Whatever happened to the concept of personal courtesy? I keep waiting for consideration to return, but I’m not holding my breath. The “human touch”, complete with decency, civility and proper etiquette appears to have vanished. Often, these cherished values have been replaced with isolation, unkindness, insensitivity, poor manners, and excuse-making.
Since I am a behavioral health provider, I recently contacted a managed care organization to check on some billing information for a patient. Most MCO’s now have a voice prompt menu which serves to conveniently block the provider from reaching a live customer service agent. The automated menu responds with, “Please say your tax identification number.” I go ahead and provide the number. They repeat the number back to me and then the machine asks me, “Is the tax identification number correct or incorrect?” I respond with “correct.” The prompt responds with, “I’m sorry I did not hear your tax identification number correctly. Please repeat.” I repeat the process and the prompts continue to block me from moving through the system. I finally press the zero key on my phone, hoping to bypass the menu and get an agent, but the system does not permit it. Through personal ingenuity, I finally find a way to reach a human agent. To my dismay, I am asked to repeat any information I provided on the prompts. I am then subjected to a written customer disclaimer script and then my call is placed on hold. This cost containment strategy is one example of the type of incivility that most Americans are exposed to in the process of trying to get their needs met.
There are other everyday examples of individual’s incivility. For instance, what about drivers who tailgate and drive carelessly while using a cell phone? How about those who make mistakes and yet refuse to acknowledge their failures? People rarely say they are sorry for hurting and offending others. What happened to a firm handshake and a smile during an introduction? What about gestures such as sending greeting cards to friends, recognizing family and friend’s birthdays and other special occasions, keeping in touch with loved ones, and learning how to forgive oneself and others for being less than perfect.
Have you ever endlessly waited in a restaurant for a friend to show up? When they arrive, do they provide a volley of excuses for being late? Promptness takes planning and consideration for the feelings of others. Promptness shows our family and friends the degree to which we cherish our relationships.
It seems like Americans are in a hurry. I’m not sure where people are going, but the speed and volume of life has been turned up. The frantic pace of living causes people to become insensitive to others. How many times have people in their haste to get somewhere fail to open a door for others? How many times have drivers forbidden you to make a lane change when they are fully aware that you are signaling for entrance? How many people are inconsiderate in canceling appointments without providing 24 hour notice to service providers? How many children show a selfish sense of entitlement, lacking a sense of gratitude for what they have been given?
Demonstrating etiquette or good manners appears to have been lost in our current way of living. Little gestures like saying “thank you,” showing kindness to others (especially toward special needs individuals), and showing proper manners needs to be resurrected.
We need the kind of civility which requires us to think more about the needs of others than our own desires. That may involve taking on volunteer service, going out of our way for friends and family members, and supporting those who are grieving significant losses. Our care and concern for others must not be conditional. It cannot be contingent upon others responses to our deeds. We need to learn to display care and concern for others because it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because others appreciate our efforts. We act with kindness because it is apart of our character, not because we assume others will value our efforts. We do it anyway, even if our efforts are not always appreciated.
As a society, we need to get back to the basics of kindness, rules of etiquette, sensitivity, and consideration for others. Many of us feel isolated due to a lack of connectedness. In this impersonal world, we must all strive to make us all feel more like a global family. We can accomplish this by showing the human touch rather than the automated responses characteristic of our current culture.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Changing Negative Child Behavior
I saw a parent in counseling whose 16 year old daughter was using alcohol, was excessively truant from school, and was enmeshed with a boyfriend. The boyfriend had a history of trouble with the law and was suspected of using methamphetamine on a regular basis. On several occasions, the teenage girl had left the house on a Friday evening with her boyfriend and did not return home until Sunday afternoon. The mother was terrified regarding the whereabouts of her daughter, but she decided that the best way to handle the conflict was to invite the boyfriend over regularly and to have him stay overnight at the request of her daughter. On the day I saw the mother she was planning on celebrating her birthday that night. She had plans to spend the evening with her two children, but her daughter insisted that her boyfriend be included in the dinner party. The mother objected, so the teenage daughter proceeded to destroy items in the house. In order to stop the violent temper tantrum, the mother agreed to let her daughter’s boyfriend join the birthday celebration. She left my office in a dejected mood.
The most striking aspect of this story was the mother’s demeanor. She told her story in a nonchalant manner, devoid of any emotional content. My first question was one I often ask parents, “Where is your anger? Where’s the kind of anger that makes you want to stick up for yourself?”
Parenting is an art. No one gave us a manual to assist in this most difficult task. Managing children is a challenging process which requires courage, connectedness, consequences, and consistency. Mistakes are inevitable, but good child caretakers learn from their failures and seek to establish new ways to change negative child behaviors.
Often, parents struggle in their relationships with their children because their own family role models were faulty. They may feel alone in their quest to get it right with their own children because they have had no positive patterns to follow from their own upbringing. It is not unusual for caretakers of children to internalize the bad parenting styles of their own parents and to project archaic, self-defeating strategies onto their children. Regardless, one cannot be excused from learning more adaptive ways of working with kids.
Life appears to consist in polarities. Parents tend to under-function or over-function on behalf of their children. Under-functioning parents are absent. They lack the skills to nurture, encourage, coach, and motivate their kids. Children in such families feel lost and perform to please in order to make a peace offering to gain approval. Out of a sense of abandonment, these children will act overly-compliant (and sometimes rebellious) in order to strive for a sense of approval. If validation is not forthcoming, these children will turn against themselves, internalizing self-blame and resentment.
Over-functioning parents tend to do for a child what he can do for himself. They overcompensate, thus taking a child’s power away. They think, feel and act for the child, rendering the child powerless as the master of his own fate. These are the parents who are terrified of disapproval. In their haste to bolster their self-esteem in the eyes of their children, they create the conditions for their children to lack realistic expectations, appropriate boundaries, civility and compassion. Since these kids have never been appropriately frustrated, enough is never enough.
Since parenting is an art, what parents are doing is always subject to change. As I tell my patients, “If what you are doing is not working, shift gears and try another approach.” Many parents will maintain the same pattern even though it may not be effective. There are no magic bullets or “right” ways to parent.
Changing negative child behaviors calls for a plan and a commitment to follow it to its conclusion. In order to avoid power-struggles parents must learn to “major in the majors.” If you feud about minor issues, you leave yourself open to passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your child. On major issues I recommend parents adopt a process that I call “non-evaluative exploration.”
Non-evaluative exploration means that you resist the urge to pontificate, moralize, give advice or lecture. Such tactics put the responsibility for change on your shoulders rather than the child’s. Instead, explore behaviors with your child, insisting he make value judgments about the issues under discussion. In this way, you “box the child in” requiring him to make assessments about his own behavior. For example, exploration of school issues might include, “How do you feel about your progress this semester? What has been holding you back? What do you think it would take for you to improve? Is your performance on target with your future goals? If not, what do you think you could do about this?”
Some behaviors may not warrant exploration. These behaviors might include one’s curfew, ways of treating others, courtesy to parents, and issues regarding self-medicating. Parents need to state their expectations and adopt logical consequences for such behaviors. Consequences should be reasonable, fit the infraction, and be consistent.
Another way to avoid power-struggles and passive-aggressive behavior is to establish positive consequences for appropriate behavior. As most children already receive an allowance, I encourage parents to tie positive consequences to an earned monetary value. Household tasks and other important household issues can also be reinforced through the use of a goal chart that is checked daily. Negative consequences, when necessary, which include removal of privileges should reserved for major violations.
It is important that a parent’s involvement with a child remain unconditional. This means that a parent must resist the urge to let one’s feelings affect the ability to keep the lines of communication open. Involvement is the cornerstone of parenting, even if the child has chosen a path of detachment. By maintaining a strong sense of involvement with your child, a parent keeps the door open for unexpected exploration and discussion.
Parents may need to adapt their parenting philosophy and strategies to the developmental level of their children. Age differences and variances in temperament may require parents to modify their parenting styles and techniques to meet the needs of their children. Parenting strategies that work for a 5 year old will not affect change in a teenager. Understanding the developmental changes which occur in children is important to the process of parenting. Changing negative child behavior requires parents who are committed to demonstrating courage, connectedness, establishing consequences, and maintaining consistency.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
The most striking aspect of this story was the mother’s demeanor. She told her story in a nonchalant manner, devoid of any emotional content. My first question was one I often ask parents, “Where is your anger? Where’s the kind of anger that makes you want to stick up for yourself?”
Parenting is an art. No one gave us a manual to assist in this most difficult task. Managing children is a challenging process which requires courage, connectedness, consequences, and consistency. Mistakes are inevitable, but good child caretakers learn from their failures and seek to establish new ways to change negative child behaviors.
Often, parents struggle in their relationships with their children because their own family role models were faulty. They may feel alone in their quest to get it right with their own children because they have had no positive patterns to follow from their own upbringing. It is not unusual for caretakers of children to internalize the bad parenting styles of their own parents and to project archaic, self-defeating strategies onto their children. Regardless, one cannot be excused from learning more adaptive ways of working with kids.
Life appears to consist in polarities. Parents tend to under-function or over-function on behalf of their children. Under-functioning parents are absent. They lack the skills to nurture, encourage, coach, and motivate their kids. Children in such families feel lost and perform to please in order to make a peace offering to gain approval. Out of a sense of abandonment, these children will act overly-compliant (and sometimes rebellious) in order to strive for a sense of approval. If validation is not forthcoming, these children will turn against themselves, internalizing self-blame and resentment.
Over-functioning parents tend to do for a child what he can do for himself. They overcompensate, thus taking a child’s power away. They think, feel and act for the child, rendering the child powerless as the master of his own fate. These are the parents who are terrified of disapproval. In their haste to bolster their self-esteem in the eyes of their children, they create the conditions for their children to lack realistic expectations, appropriate boundaries, civility and compassion. Since these kids have never been appropriately frustrated, enough is never enough.
Since parenting is an art, what parents are doing is always subject to change. As I tell my patients, “If what you are doing is not working, shift gears and try another approach.” Many parents will maintain the same pattern even though it may not be effective. There are no magic bullets or “right” ways to parent.
Changing negative child behaviors calls for a plan and a commitment to follow it to its conclusion. In order to avoid power-struggles parents must learn to “major in the majors.” If you feud about minor issues, you leave yourself open to passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your child. On major issues I recommend parents adopt a process that I call “non-evaluative exploration.”
Non-evaluative exploration means that you resist the urge to pontificate, moralize, give advice or lecture. Such tactics put the responsibility for change on your shoulders rather than the child’s. Instead, explore behaviors with your child, insisting he make value judgments about the issues under discussion. In this way, you “box the child in” requiring him to make assessments about his own behavior. For example, exploration of school issues might include, “How do you feel about your progress this semester? What has been holding you back? What do you think it would take for you to improve? Is your performance on target with your future goals? If not, what do you think you could do about this?”
Some behaviors may not warrant exploration. These behaviors might include one’s curfew, ways of treating others, courtesy to parents, and issues regarding self-medicating. Parents need to state their expectations and adopt logical consequences for such behaviors. Consequences should be reasonable, fit the infraction, and be consistent.
Another way to avoid power-struggles and passive-aggressive behavior is to establish positive consequences for appropriate behavior. As most children already receive an allowance, I encourage parents to tie positive consequences to an earned monetary value. Household tasks and other important household issues can also be reinforced through the use of a goal chart that is checked daily. Negative consequences, when necessary, which include removal of privileges should reserved for major violations.
It is important that a parent’s involvement with a child remain unconditional. This means that a parent must resist the urge to let one’s feelings affect the ability to keep the lines of communication open. Involvement is the cornerstone of parenting, even if the child has chosen a path of detachment. By maintaining a strong sense of involvement with your child, a parent keeps the door open for unexpected exploration and discussion.
Parents may need to adapt their parenting philosophy and strategies to the developmental level of their children. Age differences and variances in temperament may require parents to modify their parenting styles and techniques to meet the needs of their children. Parenting strategies that work for a 5 year old will not affect change in a teenager. Understanding the developmental changes which occur in children is important to the process of parenting. Changing negative child behavior requires parents who are committed to demonstrating courage, connectedness, establishing consequences, and maintaining consistency.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
SUPER-DADS AND THEIR SONS
Super-Dads are fathers who are perceived by their sons to possess qualities and achievements that are unattainable by the child. Super-Dad’s past or current performance seems overwhelming and larger than life. Sons put their Super-Dads on a pedestal and believe that they will never be able to measure up to their father’s expectations.
Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.
Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.
At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.
Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.
Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.
I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.
It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.
How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.
Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.
At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.
Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.
Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.
I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.
It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.
How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - WITHOUT THE FLUFF
The meaning of Christmas is not embedded in the holiday tradition itself. Although bumper stickers reading, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” are clearly noticeable, it is significant to note that the early Christian church did not celebrate the birth of Christ. Nowhere is Christmas mentioned in the New Testament as a historical and biblical account. The tradition evolved later in church history. In fact, for these and other reasons, many Christians bypass Christmas as a holiday, preferring to place emphasis on Easter, notable for the biblical account of the resurrection of Christ.
Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.
Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”
As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.
The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.
What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.
The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com
Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.
Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”
As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.
The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.
What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.
The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com
Saturday, December 09, 2006
HOW TO AVOID POWER-STRUGGLES WITH YOUR KIDS
Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your child. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your child may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.
Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Parents will attempt to get their child to manifest certain desired behaviors while the child may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Children demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Parents may employ various methods in trying to hold their children accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their children. None of these methods generally work very effectively.
Parents who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their children. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a child’s desire for more freedom, or a child merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if parents will change their tactics with their children. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:
- Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
- Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Children should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
- Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your child (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
- Don’t get “hooked” by your child’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
- Consequences for children should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a child while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
- By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a child’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with children about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome). Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your child that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a child to change his perspective about schooling.
Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits. - Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your children make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.
Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your children, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Children will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your child’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your children to emulate.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S. LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD PARENTING
Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.
Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.
The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.
For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.
The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.
For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Dixie Chicks Light up Phoenix, Dispel Predictions
The Dixie Chicks seemed surprised at the reaction that they received from their Phoenix fans. Predictions from journalist had the group performing to a half empty crowd. However, a full crowd supported them as fans stood and cheered throughout the concert. The Dixie Chicks have matured in their work and sound better than ever. They played with a passion that reflected their social and political values. I don’t believe in revering heroes, but if I had one it would be the Chicks. They reflect the values that I embrace in my book, Stepping Out of the Bubble. They are not afraid to “stick their neck out” in support of their beliefs. I like that. Their recent track songs, such as “the long way around” remind me of concepts that I embrace in my book about displaying courage and risk in stepping out of one’s psychological bubble. They have had a rough road to travel, but what they said politically has made them look prophetic.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
CONFIDENT STAY AT-HOME MOMS
Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents lose their sense of self in the process of caretaking for their children. A woman’s natural instinct to “protect her flock” may come into direct conflict with developing a strong self-identity.
Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.
In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?
I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.
Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.
At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.
It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.
Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.
Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James", through an interactive forum for parents at www.theparentstation.com.
Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.
In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?
I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.
Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.
At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.
It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.
Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.
Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James", through an interactive forum for parents at www.theparentstation.com.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
HOW TO MANAGE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
For many people, obsessive-compulsive disorder responds well to a combination of antidepressant medication and cognitive therapy. Most people with OCD appear to be predisposed to the symptoms. Usually you can find other extended family members who share a similar pattern of ritualistic behavior. Therapeutic treatment involves the following process: relabeling, reattribution, relaxation techniques and refocusing strategies. Relabeling and reattribution techniques are designed to assist in objectifying the disorder and realizing that people are more than their obsessions. For example, I teach people to internally respond by saying, "A part of my brain works in ways that make me repeat things continuously. This is merely my disorder speaking; I am more than my disorder." This way of perceiving one’s obsessive features helps people to detach the nature of their problem from their sense of self. Relaxation techniques may involve exercise, music, message, meditation and vacationing in a soothing environment. These strategies slow down the sympathetic nervous system minimizing anxiety and making it easier for people with OCD to manage their thoughts and behavior. One’s level of anxiety is directly related to the impact of compulsive behavior.
Refocusing techniques refers to assisting patients to shift from obsessional thinking and behavior to other more self-rewarding activities. A change in activities lessens the impact of the OCD thinking and behavior. For example, a child may have a ritualistic pattern of continuously changing the television remote control in a certain order. A therapeutic goal might be to get the child to leave his obsession by getting up and leaving the room, possibly departing the house for a brief walk. I have people track the intensity of their anxiety during the time that they are away from their ritualistic behavior. When removed from an obsessional behavior, anxiety initially becomes worse and then dissipates in strength over time. Once the child returns to the obsessional pattern after voluntarily leaving it, it usually has decreased in its impact and intensity. The child may say, "I was able to keep from repeating the pattern continuously. I only did it twice!" Reinforcement and encouragement are important for people attempting to minimize obsessive patterns.
Those who experience OCD are typically anxious about their symptoms and fight to get rid of them. It is essential that those who suffer from OCD learn to accept their symptoms rather than struggle with them. Acceptance of any form of anxiety helps one to minimize the symptoms. For example, one might say, “Here come those “crazy feelings” again. They sure are annoying but they won’t hurt me. If I learn to “let them be” they will eventually dissipate in their effect on me.”
It is important for those who experience OCD to share their problem with a close friend or therapist. Expressing one’s feelings about the pattern may help in dealing with any feelings of shame or embarrassment. For the OCD sufferer, it is significant to remember that most people experience features of the disorder. All behavioral problems lie on a continuum. Struggling with OCD is no exception. When we share our problems with others, we realize that we are not alone in our difficulties. It takes courage to admit that we are less than perfect and to allow ourselves to share our humanity with others. When we learn to quit fighting with our imperfections, the issue eventually seems less troublesome.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Refocusing techniques refers to assisting patients to shift from obsessional thinking and behavior to other more self-rewarding activities. A change in activities lessens the impact of the OCD thinking and behavior. For example, a child may have a ritualistic pattern of continuously changing the television remote control in a certain order. A therapeutic goal might be to get the child to leave his obsession by getting up and leaving the room, possibly departing the house for a brief walk. I have people track the intensity of their anxiety during the time that they are away from their ritualistic behavior. When removed from an obsessional behavior, anxiety initially becomes worse and then dissipates in strength over time. Once the child returns to the obsessional pattern after voluntarily leaving it, it usually has decreased in its impact and intensity. The child may say, "I was able to keep from repeating the pattern continuously. I only did it twice!" Reinforcement and encouragement are important for people attempting to minimize obsessive patterns.
Those who experience OCD are typically anxious about their symptoms and fight to get rid of them. It is essential that those who suffer from OCD learn to accept their symptoms rather than struggle with them. Acceptance of any form of anxiety helps one to minimize the symptoms. For example, one might say, “Here come those “crazy feelings” again. They sure are annoying but they won’t hurt me. If I learn to “let them be” they will eventually dissipate in their effect on me.”
It is important for those who experience OCD to share their problem with a close friend or therapist. Expressing one’s feelings about the pattern may help in dealing with any feelings of shame or embarrassment. For the OCD sufferer, it is significant to remember that most people experience features of the disorder. All behavioral problems lie on a continuum. Struggling with OCD is no exception. When we share our problems with others, we realize that we are not alone in our difficulties. It takes courage to admit that we are less than perfect and to allow ourselves to share our humanity with others. When we learn to quit fighting with our imperfections, the issue eventually seems less troublesome.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Monday, September 11, 2006
DEALING WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Many people have experience Posttraumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. One of my patients was in a highly abusive relationship with a man who physically beat her. This went on for some time as she allowed herself to remain in a pattern to be re-traumatized. Currently, relationships still terrify her. Due to mistrustful feelings, she pushes men away with her anger and rage. Then she becomes upset with herself for behaving in impulsive ways. The key to treatment for her is to isolate the traumatic feelings, explore the pain around them, and to teach her new ways of behaving that are based on rational thinking. She no longer needs to view herself as the victim in relationships. She needs to expand her psychic map to include new feeling, thoughts, and behavior. This exploration process is painful, but it will free her of the need to continue victimizing herself. She needs to flush out the negative energy that has allowed her to be re-traumatized. The cycle can be broken with proper therapeutic intervention.
Clients who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder experience the effects of psychic numbing. These people also tend to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic, anger and rage and startle response. A friend of mine, who was a Lieutenant during the Vietnam War, experiences features of this disorder. When the snowplows rumble through his hometown during a major snowstorm, it is not unusual for him to be awakened in the early morning by the sounds. Sometimes, he jumps out of the bed in total confusion and panic. It’s as if he back in the rice paddies of Vietnam waiting for the next mortar found to explode. What he is experiencing is the startle response or hypervigilence. Isn’t it amazing how the brain works? After thirty years loud noises still take him back to a place where psychic numbing was necessary for survival. All of the painful psychic energy is stored in our bodies and mind. Many times I recommend message therapy as an adjunct treatment to clients who have stored painful feelings, because it is one more entry point for ferreting out troublesome emotional energy.
It is important that we do not forget those of have been the victims of PTSD. Now that the dust has settled, do we still remember that we have an obligation as a country to treat those who have suffered for this disorder as a result of war and natural disasters? Let us not forget our families who have suffered from the ravages of our current struggle in Iraq, “the war on terror,” and those who endured Hurricane Katrina.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can “ask James” through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Clients who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder experience the effects of psychic numbing. These people also tend to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic, anger and rage and startle response. A friend of mine, who was a Lieutenant during the Vietnam War, experiences features of this disorder. When the snowplows rumble through his hometown during a major snowstorm, it is not unusual for him to be awakened in the early morning by the sounds. Sometimes, he jumps out of the bed in total confusion and panic. It’s as if he back in the rice paddies of Vietnam waiting for the next mortar found to explode. What he is experiencing is the startle response or hypervigilence. Isn’t it amazing how the brain works? After thirty years loud noises still take him back to a place where psychic numbing was necessary for survival. All of the painful psychic energy is stored in our bodies and mind. Many times I recommend message therapy as an adjunct treatment to clients who have stored painful feelings, because it is one more entry point for ferreting out troublesome emotional energy.
It is important that we do not forget those of have been the victims of PTSD. Now that the dust has settled, do we still remember that we have an obligation as a country to treat those who have suffered for this disorder as a result of war and natural disasters? Let us not forget our families who have suffered from the ravages of our current struggle in Iraq, “the war on terror,” and those who endured Hurricane Katrina.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can “ask James” through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
OUR COSMETIC CULTURE
Much of what we see in the media is cosmetic. Youth is personified and glorified. The use of steroid enhancing drugs to foster the “culture of youth” is widely role-modeled and promoted. Have you been to a high school activity lately? Can you separate many of the mothers from their daughters in terms of the “baby-doll clothes?” Cosmetic surgery has become more of a necessity, rather than an option. Recently, I was doing some marketing for my business. I went to a plastic surgeon’s office locate nearby my practice location. As the office manager approached me, I sensed that she had undergone facial surgery. Why is it that many of us have a hunch that an individual has had facial reconstruction surgery? I am told that it is not unusual for administrative staffs that work in reconstructive surgeon’s offices to have undergone the process for themselves. I guess they serve as a role model for their patients who are considering a surgical procedure.
I identified myself to the office staff member and responded with, “I am sure that there are times when you have potential clients who experience body misperception problems, who do not need surgery, and I am her to tell you that I can help them. She looked at me as if I had “ten heads.” She was clueless as to what I was trying to say regarding the emotional implications of body misperception during the screening for potential patients. I thanked her for her time and then departed. I am told that it is no longer unusual for teenage girls, in lieu of receiving new clothes, money or other gifts, to receive breast reconstruction surgery for their birthday!
Often, the media perpetuates this cosmetic image. Some of my friends have a son who has been a correspondent in Afghanistan. He has indicated on numerous occasions that the “fair and balanced” news reporting that we receive from various resources in the United States about the current war on terror is distorted. However, many people are not interested in quality journalism. They naively accept a spin on a story that will keep them awake. They are content with a story that will hold their attention through the use of sensationalism.
Often, people have an aversion to the truth about current political events. There are many Americans who still do not see the magnitude of the brutal treatment of prisoners during our current war on terrorism. We may justify or minimize our government’s mistakes. Many people don’t want to believe that there is a dark side to our institution of government. It’s too painful to ask the difficult questions such as, “Could this brutality of detainees by a systemic problem within our government?” One of the ways of avoiding reality is to exalt a person, situation, or institution.
How many flag-draped coffins have we seen coming home from Iraq? How many stories of maimed or emotionally traumatized soldiers have been covered? People and institutions tend to compartmentalize difficult and painful realities as a way of coping. Keeping things guarded protects the public from experiencing the full impact of events. By making war appear sanitized, people lose a sense of the magnitude of horrific events. With that in mind, how do we get people to “step out of the bubble” and begin viewing life as it really is? Much of our culture is cosmetic in nature because “appearances” are more important than the truth. We shun the harsh realities of life which keep us functioning in “shallow waters.” I believe that it is important to observe life the way it really is and face the emotional impact that comes with that awareness. Then we really have our eyes wide open.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available through http://www.amazon.com/. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.parentstation.com.
I identified myself to the office staff member and responded with, “I am sure that there are times when you have potential clients who experience body misperception problems, who do not need surgery, and I am her to tell you that I can help them. She looked at me as if I had “ten heads.” She was clueless as to what I was trying to say regarding the emotional implications of body misperception during the screening for potential patients. I thanked her for her time and then departed. I am told that it is no longer unusual for teenage girls, in lieu of receiving new clothes, money or other gifts, to receive breast reconstruction surgery for their birthday!
Often, the media perpetuates this cosmetic image. Some of my friends have a son who has been a correspondent in Afghanistan. He has indicated on numerous occasions that the “fair and balanced” news reporting that we receive from various resources in the United States about the current war on terror is distorted. However, many people are not interested in quality journalism. They naively accept a spin on a story that will keep them awake. They are content with a story that will hold their attention through the use of sensationalism.
Often, people have an aversion to the truth about current political events. There are many Americans who still do not see the magnitude of the brutal treatment of prisoners during our current war on terrorism. We may justify or minimize our government’s mistakes. Many people don’t want to believe that there is a dark side to our institution of government. It’s too painful to ask the difficult questions such as, “Could this brutality of detainees by a systemic problem within our government?” One of the ways of avoiding reality is to exalt a person, situation, or institution.
How many flag-draped coffins have we seen coming home from Iraq? How many stories of maimed or emotionally traumatized soldiers have been covered? People and institutions tend to compartmentalize difficult and painful realities as a way of coping. Keeping things guarded protects the public from experiencing the full impact of events. By making war appear sanitized, people lose a sense of the magnitude of horrific events. With that in mind, how do we get people to “step out of the bubble” and begin viewing life as it really is? Much of our culture is cosmetic in nature because “appearances” are more important than the truth. We shun the harsh realities of life which keep us functioning in “shallow waters.” I believe that it is important to observe life the way it really is and face the emotional impact that comes with that awareness. Then we really have our eyes wide open.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available through http://www.amazon.com/. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.parentstation.com.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
"SAVING FACE" WITH MY WIFE'S SURPRISE
My wife decided to plan a brief weekend get-away for our anniversary. We decided to stay in a beautiful resort which was nestled in the foothills of West Tucson. It was the kind of resort where every time you turned around someone for the hotel would respond with “Is there anything I can get you?”
Since were staying in a “spa-like” resort, my wife decided to surprise me with a very unique gift. Mind you, when my wife says she has a surprise for me, I get very worried – this time was no exception. Andrea decided to contact the hotel spa in advance and arrange for me to be treated to a facial.
A knew that women have these facials all the time, but I wasn’t quite sure what the process was like. My first thought was, “Here it is our 16th wedding anniversary and after all this time my wife has concluded that she dislikes the way I look. Aging has taken its toll, but I wasn’t sure about the need for this surprise! After all, isn’t it true that women are the one’s who are supposed to look good for their men?
During our anniversary stay, I began asking my wife about what I was in for with this “facial.” I felt like I was moving into the unknown and needed some reassurance. Would it be like a massage? Would there be weird music playing and incense burning? Who would be doing this to me and what plan of action would this facial take? Would she put mud on my face? How about cucumbers on my eyes? It all seemed rather scary. My wife sensed my humorous apprehension.
I decided that I needed to do what I tell my patients to do – take those deep breaths and let it all out. I was afraid that other men would see me enter the spa, so I decided to have my wife escort me to the spa center. You would have thought I was preparing for emergency surgery. While Andrea waited in the spa center, I was escorted by a gentleman to a locker room where I prepared for my adventure by putting on a robe and a pair of flip-flops. The gentleman then brought me some green tea as I waited for the arrival of the “facial masseuse.” A delightful, charming young lady came to the door and said, “Are you Mr. Krehbiel?” Nobody’s called me Mr. Krehbiel since my teaching days and very few people ever pronounce my name accurately. She had my interest. She was the master healer. The goddess of facials!
We walked down the hallway to a tiny room. I lay down on a massage table and waited for her to enter. The rest of the experience is rather foggy. I do remember that she put all kinds of creams and oils on my face, as well as my feet and hands. I recall that the room was steamy. She had the weird music playing. She talked calmly in a soothing voice. I was mesmerized. She moisturized my feet and hands and then placed them in plastic bags. They were left that way until the end of the facial.
When I left, my wife saw my new face - a softer, gentler, glowing looking me. Even though I don’t remember each step of the procedure, I know it involved creams, oils, steam and wraps for my hands and feet.
I told my wife to never tell anyone about my spa experience. But she had already told her best friends. Now I have to live with any impact on my reputation. Now I have to face them with my soft, smooth, glowing, younger looking skin. Pity me!
James P Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or his website at www.krehbielcounsling.com.
Since were staying in a “spa-like” resort, my wife decided to surprise me with a very unique gift. Mind you, when my wife says she has a surprise for me, I get very worried – this time was no exception. Andrea decided to contact the hotel spa in advance and arrange for me to be treated to a facial.
A knew that women have these facials all the time, but I wasn’t quite sure what the process was like. My first thought was, “Here it is our 16th wedding anniversary and after all this time my wife has concluded that she dislikes the way I look. Aging has taken its toll, but I wasn’t sure about the need for this surprise! After all, isn’t it true that women are the one’s who are supposed to look good for their men?
During our anniversary stay, I began asking my wife about what I was in for with this “facial.” I felt like I was moving into the unknown and needed some reassurance. Would it be like a massage? Would there be weird music playing and incense burning? Who would be doing this to me and what plan of action would this facial take? Would she put mud on my face? How about cucumbers on my eyes? It all seemed rather scary. My wife sensed my humorous apprehension.
I decided that I needed to do what I tell my patients to do – take those deep breaths and let it all out. I was afraid that other men would see me enter the spa, so I decided to have my wife escort me to the spa center. You would have thought I was preparing for emergency surgery. While Andrea waited in the spa center, I was escorted by a gentleman to a locker room where I prepared for my adventure by putting on a robe and a pair of flip-flops. The gentleman then brought me some green tea as I waited for the arrival of the “facial masseuse.” A delightful, charming young lady came to the door and said, “Are you Mr. Krehbiel?” Nobody’s called me Mr. Krehbiel since my teaching days and very few people ever pronounce my name accurately. She had my interest. She was the master healer. The goddess of facials!
We walked down the hallway to a tiny room. I lay down on a massage table and waited for her to enter. The rest of the experience is rather foggy. I do remember that she put all kinds of creams and oils on my face, as well as my feet and hands. I recall that the room was steamy. She had the weird music playing. She talked calmly in a soothing voice. I was mesmerized. She moisturized my feet and hands and then placed them in plastic bags. They were left that way until the end of the facial.
When I left, my wife saw my new face - a softer, gentler, glowing looking me. Even though I don’t remember each step of the procedure, I know it involved creams, oils, steam and wraps for my hands and feet.
I told my wife to never tell anyone about my spa experience. But she had already told her best friends. Now I have to live with any impact on my reputation. Now I have to face them with my soft, smooth, glowing, younger looking skin. Pity me!
James P Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or his website at www.krehbielcounsling.com.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
THE BASIS OF OUR BELIEFS
Many people’s belief system is a by-product of a foundation of poor parenting. If an individual has been exposed to ineffective parenting, a religious belief system may be based upon deficiencies in psychological development. Some people believe in a “tyrant God,” one who spreads gloom and doom. These individuals will talk incessantly about how they disappointed God, how they may have lost their salvation, and the guilt feelings that they experience. They live with the fear that God is mad at them. Until one deals with problems related to psychological development, one’s vision of religion and faith will be distorted. Often, people look out the lenses of their depression, anxiety, and fear and make faulty interpretations about the nature of spiritual reality.
However, along with the courage and risk of undertaking spiritual and psychological change comes a certain period of disorientation. But if we can tolerate the groan zone, we may move into a newer, fuller, richer place within. It is a place where we feel grounded, at peace with ourselves. There is a sense of humility than emanates from us as we view the world with wonder. We may sense that a Higher Power is working on our behalf. We are not afraid of those who disagree with us. We are also not afraid to look at a variety of spiritual and ethical dilemmas from different perspectives.
For example, if you are a pro-life advocate, can you build an argument to support the right to pro-choice? Some would suggest this way of thinking is sacrilegious. On the contrary, I believe that it is the only way to solidify what beliefs are really true for us. One must think in a flexible, multidimensional manner in order to develop a strong conviction on any issue. A good debater or an excellent attorney always gathers information regarding an opponent’s strongest argument. This in turn makes a case more compelling.
Spiritual growth and development calls for a change in our way of viewing God and spiritual reality. Those who embrace faith have an unreserved openness to the truth wherever they may find it. They are not afraid of doubt or new ways of navigating their spiritual journey. In fact, they view the process of doubting and changing as an integral part of their quest to find God and the truths surrounding Him.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
However, along with the courage and risk of undertaking spiritual and psychological change comes a certain period of disorientation. But if we can tolerate the groan zone, we may move into a newer, fuller, richer place within. It is a place where we feel grounded, at peace with ourselves. There is a sense of humility than emanates from us as we view the world with wonder. We may sense that a Higher Power is working on our behalf. We are not afraid of those who disagree with us. We are also not afraid to look at a variety of spiritual and ethical dilemmas from different perspectives.
For example, if you are a pro-life advocate, can you build an argument to support the right to pro-choice? Some would suggest this way of thinking is sacrilegious. On the contrary, I believe that it is the only way to solidify what beliefs are really true for us. One must think in a flexible, multidimensional manner in order to develop a strong conviction on any issue. A good debater or an excellent attorney always gathers information regarding an opponent’s strongest argument. This in turn makes a case more compelling.
Spiritual growth and development calls for a change in our way of viewing God and spiritual reality. Those who embrace faith have an unreserved openness to the truth wherever they may find it. They are not afraid of doubt or new ways of navigating their spiritual journey. In fact, they view the process of doubting and changing as an integral part of their quest to find God and the truths surrounding Him.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
SURVIVING THE ADOLESCENT PASSAGE: WHAT A PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW
Parenting a teenager is no easy task. Parenting your adolescent son or daughter during the turbulence of this transitional period is an art. Ask anyone who’s involved in doing this job. They’ll tell you that you don’t fix your kids during this time-frame; you just stay on the edge of the storm. Parenting takes a great deal of courage, patience, and learning through trial and error.
As a therapist, parents frequently ask me, “What are some guidelines to keep in mind which will help me and my youngster navigate the adolescent years?” The following principles are ones that I have found important as I have raised my own children and worked with other teens in schools and clinical counseling situations. There are no “magic bullets”, but hopefully these suggestions with be of assistance to you.
Get in touch with you own child-within.
Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? What kinds of experiences did you have? Can you unblock any painful memories? Can you relive positive memories and experience them in the present moment? What’s that feel like? It is important to recapture your own childhood so that you can stay connected to your teen and do not live vicariously through her experience. Understanding your own childhood will allow you to continue emotional contact and share lighthearted common experiences with your child. Shared playful activities, such as going to a ball game, biking together, or taking a fishing trip together can build bridges. Maintaining positive physical contact with your teen is critically important. Although your child may not request physical affection, initiating it is important to maintaining a strong emotional bond.
Teach the lessons of life through shared experience.
Resist the urge to moralize, lecture, and give unwarranted advice. Your child will tune you out. It is more effective to use positive and negative consequences as a way of setting limits. One method I used to reach my kids about current issues was through the use of the newspaper. Often, I would come across articles which had a direct impact on teen problems. For example, I would talk with my kids about their “heroes” who went astray through self-medicating. I would ask them to read the article and ask them how they felt about it. Sometimes when my teens had made mistakes, I would share my own blunders in a connecting way and then we would explore better ways of behaving.
Major in the majors issues, not the minors. Know your bottom-line expectations.
Be firm, courageous and unified on the big boundary issues. Don’t get locked into focusing on minor issues which distract from your most important values. What tint your teen decides to use as hair color may not be as critical as how he treats other people. Set consequence that are reasonable and be consistent in enforcing them!
Don’t over-function on behalf of your child.
Never do for your child what he can do for himself. Failing to follow this policy is an invitation for your teen to avoid responsibility for his behavior. I can’t tell you the number to times that I used to facilitate parent/ student/teacher conferences where the parents anxiously took notes during the conference while their child “snored” his way through the experience. Remember, who owns the problem?
Keep a sense of proper perspective.
Talk about your own feelings with your teen. By sharing yourself, you keep the doors of communications open. Learn to keep mistakes in perspective. Just how horrible is this problem? Very few mistakes are catastrophic. For example, my daughter came home extremely late from a party in high school. My first reaction was to confront her and chastise for her inconsiderate behavior. I had tried that disciplinary action before and it accomplished nothing productive. Consequently, this time when she got home, I attempted to promote understanding by telling her how afraid I was about her late arrival. My response surprised her and opened the door for us to talk about the issue from my perspective.
Discuss goal-setting with your teen.
Kids, during the teenage years, have trouble making a connection between the present moment and the future. Teenagers need the opportunity to explore their dreams. They need help in finding their niche. Talk with you child about her shot-term and long-term plans. Goal-setting helps kids stay grounded and active in the present. When my son showed an interest in music, I did everything possible to encourage his activity in that area. I paid for private lessons, and attended his concerts regularly.
Never give up hope. As difficult as things may get for you and your teenager, change is always possible. Remember, there are no sacred ways of parenting. If one plan doesn’t work, try an alternative strategy. Try a paradoxical (opposite) manner of handling a problem. You might be surprised at the results. Never forget that ultimately your teen should be held responsible for the choices he makes.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
As a therapist, parents frequently ask me, “What are some guidelines to keep in mind which will help me and my youngster navigate the adolescent years?” The following principles are ones that I have found important as I have raised my own children and worked with other teens in schools and clinical counseling situations. There are no “magic bullets”, but hopefully these suggestions with be of assistance to you.
Get in touch with you own child-within.
Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? What kinds of experiences did you have? Can you unblock any painful memories? Can you relive positive memories and experience them in the present moment? What’s that feel like? It is important to recapture your own childhood so that you can stay connected to your teen and do not live vicariously through her experience. Understanding your own childhood will allow you to continue emotional contact and share lighthearted common experiences with your child. Shared playful activities, such as going to a ball game, biking together, or taking a fishing trip together can build bridges. Maintaining positive physical contact with your teen is critically important. Although your child may not request physical affection, initiating it is important to maintaining a strong emotional bond.
Teach the lessons of life through shared experience.
Resist the urge to moralize, lecture, and give unwarranted advice. Your child will tune you out. It is more effective to use positive and negative consequences as a way of setting limits. One method I used to reach my kids about current issues was through the use of the newspaper. Often, I would come across articles which had a direct impact on teen problems. For example, I would talk with my kids about their “heroes” who went astray through self-medicating. I would ask them to read the article and ask them how they felt about it. Sometimes when my teens had made mistakes, I would share my own blunders in a connecting way and then we would explore better ways of behaving.
Major in the majors issues, not the minors. Know your bottom-line expectations.
Be firm, courageous and unified on the big boundary issues. Don’t get locked into focusing on minor issues which distract from your most important values. What tint your teen decides to use as hair color may not be as critical as how he treats other people. Set consequence that are reasonable and be consistent in enforcing them!
Don’t over-function on behalf of your child.
Never do for your child what he can do for himself. Failing to follow this policy is an invitation for your teen to avoid responsibility for his behavior. I can’t tell you the number to times that I used to facilitate parent/ student/teacher conferences where the parents anxiously took notes during the conference while their child “snored” his way through the experience. Remember, who owns the problem?
Keep a sense of proper perspective.
Talk about your own feelings with your teen. By sharing yourself, you keep the doors of communications open. Learn to keep mistakes in perspective. Just how horrible is this problem? Very few mistakes are catastrophic. For example, my daughter came home extremely late from a party in high school. My first reaction was to confront her and chastise for her inconsiderate behavior. I had tried that disciplinary action before and it accomplished nothing productive. Consequently, this time when she got home, I attempted to promote understanding by telling her how afraid I was about her late arrival. My response surprised her and opened the door for us to talk about the issue from my perspective.
Discuss goal-setting with your teen.
Kids, during the teenage years, have trouble making a connection between the present moment and the future. Teenagers need the opportunity to explore their dreams. They need help in finding their niche. Talk with you child about her shot-term and long-term plans. Goal-setting helps kids stay grounded and active in the present. When my son showed an interest in music, I did everything possible to encourage his activity in that area. I paid for private lessons, and attended his concerts regularly.
Never give up hope. As difficult as things may get for you and your teenager, change is always possible. Remember, there are no sacred ways of parenting. If one plan doesn’t work, try an alternative strategy. Try a paradoxical (opposite) manner of handling a problem. You might be surprised at the results. Never forget that ultimately your teen should be held responsible for the choices he makes.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Monday, July 17, 2006
HAVE YOU MASTERED THE ART OF CHOOSING?
One of the hallmarks of those who feel victimized is their inability to choose. It doesn’t matter whether it is a big decision or a minor one - avoiders lack the ability to make a choice. Have you ever been with someone while dining out who takes an inordinate amount of time choosing from the menu? They agonize as they contemplate the significance of what to eat. Making a wrong decision appears catastrophic. The primary fear appears to be the misfortune of making a mistake. According to those who are decision-phobic, mistakes must be avoided at all costs. Making a mistake is considered a personal failure and it can’t be tolerated. It takes courage to feel comfortable about making a decision that may involve the potential for risks and mistakes.
Many people are terrified of making mistakes. The origins of this fear may stem from parenting issues during childhood. One’s parents may have either been over-functioning adults, not allowing their children to make their own decisions - the parents may have been highly controlling, critical and intimidating; or they may have been “absent” parents. In either case, the underlying message was, “Others can do for you much better than you can do for yourself.” Powerful words originating out of childhood can be tools that affect people’s opinions, choices and behavior. Toxic words can rob a child of the courage to function independently.
We make decisions based upon the best information available to us at the time the choice is made. One can always second-guess a decision, but it is important to maintain the “mantra” of no regrets. A friend of mine once said that there is no such thing as a calculated risk. All risks ultimately involve jumping off the deep end and hoping for the best. There are no assurances in this business of taking risks. One must forgive oneself for being less than perfect and learn to live with the consequences of each action. Taking personal responsibility for change is essential and it is courageous.
In order to assist indecisive people I ask them, “What is the worst thing that can happen if your decision is a mistake? Having individuals realistically evaluate potential outcomes of their behavior helps them to get things in perspective. The process of choosing needs to be viewed apart from the decision to be made. If you choose, you are courageous whether things turn out right or go awry. The process of choosing empowers and gives us the needed courage to make future decisions. Once a decision is made, mistakes don’t seem as debilitating. A choice that doesn’t go according to plans can be changed. Once we have internalized the power of choosing, we can always select new paths for behavioral change. No one choice seems so dramatic. It’s through changing behaviors such as decision-making that we learn personal growth and development.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Many people are terrified of making mistakes. The origins of this fear may stem from parenting issues during childhood. One’s parents may have either been over-functioning adults, not allowing their children to make their own decisions - the parents may have been highly controlling, critical and intimidating; or they may have been “absent” parents. In either case, the underlying message was, “Others can do for you much better than you can do for yourself.” Powerful words originating out of childhood can be tools that affect people’s opinions, choices and behavior. Toxic words can rob a child of the courage to function independently.
We make decisions based upon the best information available to us at the time the choice is made. One can always second-guess a decision, but it is important to maintain the “mantra” of no regrets. A friend of mine once said that there is no such thing as a calculated risk. All risks ultimately involve jumping off the deep end and hoping for the best. There are no assurances in this business of taking risks. One must forgive oneself for being less than perfect and learn to live with the consequences of each action. Taking personal responsibility for change is essential and it is courageous.
In order to assist indecisive people I ask them, “What is the worst thing that can happen if your decision is a mistake? Having individuals realistically evaluate potential outcomes of their behavior helps them to get things in perspective. The process of choosing needs to be viewed apart from the decision to be made. If you choose, you are courageous whether things turn out right or go awry. The process of choosing empowers and gives us the needed courage to make future decisions. Once a decision is made, mistakes don’t seem as debilitating. A choice that doesn’t go according to plans can be changed. Once we have internalized the power of choosing, we can always select new paths for behavioral change. No one choice seems so dramatic. It’s through changing behaviors such as decision-making that we learn personal growth and development.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
THE COUPLE BUBBLE
Often partners struggle in their efforts to communicate in their relationships. They are unable to promote the kind of understanding that enhances their connection to one another. It is not unusual for a couple to express to me, “At least we don’t have the problem of fighting with each other.”
What many fail to realize is that learning to “constructively fight” is an important ingredient for a successful relationship. Many couples avoid dealing with difficult issues through distancing from their partner and I call this the “couple bubble.”
It is essential that couples address the issue of their style of relating. Does the partner play the passive role, failing to take the risk of sharing necessary thoughts and deep feelings? Is she afraid to set limits in the relationship and hold her partner accountable for his behavior? Does she acquiesce in the relationship and harbor resentment because she feels a loss of power and control?
Often individuals relate in an aggressive manner in relationships. Is he controlling about finances and other issues? Is there verbal intimidation through threats and yelling? Is there a critical, judgmental way of relating? Is he persistent, nagging, bullying, and manipulative?
A friend of mine recently told me that he was not impressed by those in a relationship who avoid conflict. Disagreeing with each other’s beliefs may be an inevitable byproduct of an honest dialogue about differences in perspective. The central issue is learning a style of relating that will permit a constructive, nonviolent expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings.
Couples need to learn to promote understanding in an assertive manner. I define assertiveness as sharing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that makes appropriate contact with others and is not aimed at intentionally inflicting emotional damage. This means that partners must be ready to listen to each other without making value judgments, and to share their thoughts and feeling in a considerate fashion. I call this process “promoting understanding.” Here are some guidelines for promoting understanding in a relationship:
When you speak to your partner about an issue, use “I” messages. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than delivering “you” messages; i.e. “You make me feel…”
Take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Soften your messages with exploratory statement such as, “Help me understand your perspective. I don’t get it, could you repeat that please?”
Take turns reflecting or paraphrasing what your partner is expressing.
Fight the urge to defend yourself and make value judgments about your partner’s perspective.
Say the difficult messages in a kind way. “One of the problems that I see in our relationship is…”
Don’t bring up relationship history; it is toxic to the communication process.
Avoid “pressing the play button.” If you see yourselves going down the “old road”, call a time out. Either state your position in a different way, or if things are too heated, wait for a better time to resume your discussion.
Remember that outside stressors can affect communications, and therefore acknowledge to each other the stressors you face.
If you acknowledge each others vulnerabilities, you can use your weaknesses as communication bridges, rather than weapons of projected anger.
In order to feel safe with your partner, you must feel that your opinions will be valued and respected. Remember that nagging, avoiding, bullying or throwing up the past has no place in honest communications. Also, aligning yourself with your children to make a point is unfair to your partner and your kids. True intimacy emerges in a relationship when both partners respect and value the process of promoting understanding to foster a more meaningful relationship.
James P. Krehbiel. Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
What many fail to realize is that learning to “constructively fight” is an important ingredient for a successful relationship. Many couples avoid dealing with difficult issues through distancing from their partner and I call this the “couple bubble.”
It is essential that couples address the issue of their style of relating. Does the partner play the passive role, failing to take the risk of sharing necessary thoughts and deep feelings? Is she afraid to set limits in the relationship and hold her partner accountable for his behavior? Does she acquiesce in the relationship and harbor resentment because she feels a loss of power and control?
Often individuals relate in an aggressive manner in relationships. Is he controlling about finances and other issues? Is there verbal intimidation through threats and yelling? Is there a critical, judgmental way of relating? Is he persistent, nagging, bullying, and manipulative?
A friend of mine recently told me that he was not impressed by those in a relationship who avoid conflict. Disagreeing with each other’s beliefs may be an inevitable byproduct of an honest dialogue about differences in perspective. The central issue is learning a style of relating that will permit a constructive, nonviolent expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings.
Couples need to learn to promote understanding in an assertive manner. I define assertiveness as sharing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that makes appropriate contact with others and is not aimed at intentionally inflicting emotional damage. This means that partners must be ready to listen to each other without making value judgments, and to share their thoughts and feeling in a considerate fashion. I call this process “promoting understanding.” Here are some guidelines for promoting understanding in a relationship:
When you speak to your partner about an issue, use “I” messages. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than delivering “you” messages; i.e. “You make me feel…”
Take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Soften your messages with exploratory statement such as, “Help me understand your perspective. I don’t get it, could you repeat that please?”
Take turns reflecting or paraphrasing what your partner is expressing.
Fight the urge to defend yourself and make value judgments about your partner’s perspective.
Say the difficult messages in a kind way. “One of the problems that I see in our relationship is…”
Don’t bring up relationship history; it is toxic to the communication process.
Avoid “pressing the play button.” If you see yourselves going down the “old road”, call a time out. Either state your position in a different way, or if things are too heated, wait for a better time to resume your discussion.
Remember that outside stressors can affect communications, and therefore acknowledge to each other the stressors you face.
If you acknowledge each others vulnerabilities, you can use your weaknesses as communication bridges, rather than weapons of projected anger.
In order to feel safe with your partner, you must feel that your opinions will be valued and respected. Remember that nagging, avoiding, bullying or throwing up the past has no place in honest communications. Also, aligning yourself with your children to make a point is unfair to your partner and your kids. True intimacy emerges in a relationship when both partners respect and value the process of promoting understanding to foster a more meaningful relationship.
James P. Krehbiel. Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
THE PERSONAL PASSION TO WRITE
People often ask me, why do you write? Writing has always fascinated me. During high school, when I was going through the turbulence of adolescence, I wrote a series of poems to soothe me. My parents moved our family to a new city during my junior year of high school and it led to some emotional upheaval as I was forced to leave my school and lifelong friends. Writing provided me with a way of managing my feelings during a time when I felt rather helpless.
It wasn’t fashionable for boys to excel in grammar and composition, but throughout school I enjoyed and was proficient in language skills. I recall diagramming sentences in elementary school. While others groaned through the experience, I found the process challenging and enjoyable.
In college, I took courses in grammar, composition and poetry, even though my undergraduate major was in sociology and anthropology. I recall taking a Victorian Poetry course, even though the entire class was composed of English majors. I was forced to become a quick learner when it came to interpreting classical poetry.
There was a period in adulthood when I was going through my “midlife crisis” that I began writing poetry again. I wrote a poem called, So I Walked the Road Home which described my need to get closure on certain aspects of my childhood experience. The poem describes how I had returned to the site of my old little league baseball diamond, only to find that the fence had been removed and the field was now used for girl’s softball. Another poem entitled, A Home Within explored my journey to find a sense of true love and inner validation.
There has always been an inner tug or urgency to write a book and publish it. Having completed that task through my work called, Stepping Out of the Bubble, I now have focused my attention on article writing. I have written a plethora of articles on topics ranging from management skills to those related to personal growth and development. Writing for me is an avocation, a calling, although I am a paid contributing writer for FamilyResource.com, an online tool for families. Some of the personal benefits one can derive from writing are:
Writing is a soothing experience which “calms the waters.”
Writing taps into passions, dreams, needs, and feelings.
Writing helps to resolve life transitions.
Writing helps to provide closure to unfinished chapters in life.
Writing provides a sense of empowerment and competency.
Writing helps to explain oneself to the world.
Writing helps to fine-tune thinking about topics that are important.
Writing provides an opportunity to dialogue with others over differences in perspective.
Writing helps to establish a sense of personal identity.
Writing provides exposure to other people and organizations.
Writing provides an avenue for conveying strongly held beliefs and convictions.
Writing is a tool for sharing other peoples’ life story.
Writing is a means for conveying our fascination with specific interests and activities.
For me, writing is a cherished gift that has no end. As long as I am alive, I will hopefully have new and fresh ideas to share with others. Those who catch the vision of writing will find a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Writing brings out our best instincts and provides us with a tool for conveying our inner yearnings and ethical and moral principles. Writing provides us with an avenue for creating meaning by sharing our deepest convictions with the world. All we really have in this life are our truest sense of self, our experiences, our valued relationships, and the memories that surround these ideals.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
It wasn’t fashionable for boys to excel in grammar and composition, but throughout school I enjoyed and was proficient in language skills. I recall diagramming sentences in elementary school. While others groaned through the experience, I found the process challenging and enjoyable.
In college, I took courses in grammar, composition and poetry, even though my undergraduate major was in sociology and anthropology. I recall taking a Victorian Poetry course, even though the entire class was composed of English majors. I was forced to become a quick learner when it came to interpreting classical poetry.
There was a period in adulthood when I was going through my “midlife crisis” that I began writing poetry again. I wrote a poem called, So I Walked the Road Home which described my need to get closure on certain aspects of my childhood experience. The poem describes how I had returned to the site of my old little league baseball diamond, only to find that the fence had been removed and the field was now used for girl’s softball. Another poem entitled, A Home Within explored my journey to find a sense of true love and inner validation.
There has always been an inner tug or urgency to write a book and publish it. Having completed that task through my work called, Stepping Out of the Bubble, I now have focused my attention on article writing. I have written a plethora of articles on topics ranging from management skills to those related to personal growth and development. Writing for me is an avocation, a calling, although I am a paid contributing writer for FamilyResource.com, an online tool for families. Some of the personal benefits one can derive from writing are:
Writing is a soothing experience which “calms the waters.”
Writing taps into passions, dreams, needs, and feelings.
Writing helps to resolve life transitions.
Writing helps to provide closure to unfinished chapters in life.
Writing provides a sense of empowerment and competency.
Writing helps to explain oneself to the world.
Writing helps to fine-tune thinking about topics that are important.
Writing provides an opportunity to dialogue with others over differences in perspective.
Writing helps to establish a sense of personal identity.
Writing provides exposure to other people and organizations.
Writing provides an avenue for conveying strongly held beliefs and convictions.
Writing is a tool for sharing other peoples’ life story.
Writing is a means for conveying our fascination with specific interests and activities.
For me, writing is a cherished gift that has no end. As long as I am alive, I will hopefully have new and fresh ideas to share with others. Those who catch the vision of writing will find a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Writing brings out our best instincts and provides us with a tool for conveying our inner yearnings and ethical and moral principles. Writing provides us with an avenue for creating meaning by sharing our deepest convictions with the world. All we really have in this life are our truest sense of self, our experiences, our valued relationships, and the memories that surround these ideals.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
DISCIPLINE THROUGH COACHING
Coaching our children is an important facet in the process of parenting. Coaching children consists of role-modeling and teaching proper ways of behaving. Often, we assume that our children are aware and understand what our expectations are for them. We may feel discouraged if our kids do not share their toys properly, do not smile and greet people with proper social skills, or manage their household chores. As parents, we become frustrated when our children display behaviors that demonstrate a lack of concern for others, behave impulsively, or lack personal independence.
Establishing positive and negative consequences are important to discipline, but first parents must coach their youngsters regarding the ways of handling a myriad of social behaviors, helping them to develop self-confidence and self-directed behavior. Coaching your children may involve:
• Teaching basic hygiene skills such as showing your child how to brush his teeth properly.
• Coaching your child in the skills necessary to promote playing fair with others.
• Educating your child in the use of proper social manners and etiquette.
• Coaching your child to respect and value personal property.
• Teaching your child to be sensitive to the feelings of others.
• Educating your child to support and assist children who are less fortunate.
• Teaching positive thinking and the development of positive character traits.
• Educating children to assist the family with household chores. Demonstrate to them how to do the chores satisfactorily. Allow for mistakes and re-teach.
Appropriate behaviors that children display must be “caught” and “taught” by their parents. Coaching your children in the proper ways of handling behavioral tasks is imperative. Without parental involvement in teaching your children how to manage their behavior, your discipline plan is a recipe for failure.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Establishing positive and negative consequences are important to discipline, but first parents must coach their youngsters regarding the ways of handling a myriad of social behaviors, helping them to develop self-confidence and self-directed behavior. Coaching your children may involve:
• Teaching basic hygiene skills such as showing your child how to brush his teeth properly.
• Coaching your child in the skills necessary to promote playing fair with others.
• Educating your child in the use of proper social manners and etiquette.
• Coaching your child to respect and value personal property.
• Teaching your child to be sensitive to the feelings of others.
• Educating your child to support and assist children who are less fortunate.
• Teaching positive thinking and the development of positive character traits.
• Educating children to assist the family with household chores. Demonstrate to them how to do the chores satisfactorily. Allow for mistakes and re-teach.
Appropriate behaviors that children display must be “caught” and “taught” by their parents. Coaching your children in the proper ways of handling behavioral tasks is imperative. Without parental involvement in teaching your children how to manage their behavior, your discipline plan is a recipe for failure.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Monday, June 12, 2006
WHAT'S SUCCESS ALL ABOUT ANYWAY?
Being successful means moving on, no matter what circumstances arise. It means being a fighter, the kind of fighter that never gives up hope. We can envision what we want the future to hold. Then we must go out into the world and make it happen. Mistakes are an option, but complete failure is not. Learning from our mistakes and moving forward is productive. We need to understand that the world isn’t going to change to accommodate out self-pity. Anything we get, we must pursue with diligence. This is what persistence is all about. It is a wonderful character trait. Persistent people are continuously knocking on the door of change. They want things to be better for themselves and others. They refuse to give in to problems and difficulties that surround them. Persistence is the quality that keeps you going when you don’t feel like trying anymore. You refuse to let obstacles stand in the way of successful living.
Many people define successful living as having the right car, living in the right neighborhood, and having the right job. Success for many is defined by the amount of money one makes. Many people have had all of these things and have watched them fade away in a moments notice. What sustains you when the American dream is no longer a reality? When you are no longer around, will you be known for you professional talent? How about your ability to make a lot of money? How about the way you look? We must think about the character traits we want to leave as our legacy.
Being a successful, fully functioning individual is about being true to whom you are and letting things be the way they are. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change our lives and reality to fit a preconceived notion that we have about life. We try to manipulate life as a way of functioning, avoiding any anguish that accompanies current awareness. By living in the rear view mirror, we cheat ourselves out of all that life has for us in the present and future. Live in the moment, let go of the past, and don’t try to anticipate the future. Move into the future with the conviction that all will work out. Your convictions will bring positive energy into the future and will help you realize your dreams. Believe that everything is possible. Nothing is out of your range of success. Your perception of events determines the kind of thinking that you will create. Reframe negative thoughts and circumstances so that things will move in a positive direction for you. Success is a choice involving your character and behavior, not a lifestyle.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released a book entitled, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.py. His book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html.
Many people define successful living as having the right car, living in the right neighborhood, and having the right job. Success for many is defined by the amount of money one makes. Many people have had all of these things and have watched them fade away in a moments notice. What sustains you when the American dream is no longer a reality? When you are no longer around, will you be known for you professional talent? How about your ability to make a lot of money? How about the way you look? We must think about the character traits we want to leave as our legacy.
Being a successful, fully functioning individual is about being true to whom you are and letting things be the way they are. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change our lives and reality to fit a preconceived notion that we have about life. We try to manipulate life as a way of functioning, avoiding any anguish that accompanies current awareness. By living in the rear view mirror, we cheat ourselves out of all that life has for us in the present and future. Live in the moment, let go of the past, and don’t try to anticipate the future. Move into the future with the conviction that all will work out. Your convictions will bring positive energy into the future and will help you realize your dreams. Believe that everything is possible. Nothing is out of your range of success. Your perception of events determines the kind of thinking that you will create. Reframe negative thoughts and circumstances so that things will move in a positive direction for you. Success is a choice involving your character and behavior, not a lifestyle.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released a book entitled, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.py. His book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
WHEN MANAGEMENT LEADERS ACT "SMALL"
Some people lack authenticity and I refer to them as “small people.” They are difficult to deal with because they have blocked many issues about competency from awareness. They are not genuine. They tend to overcompensate by trying to act important. They tend to project a sense of shallowness rather than substance. In the corporate world, these are the leaders who like to micromanage, who use boss-management techniques, and believe in a hierarchal system of organization. They use their role to control people and events. They can be arrogant, pushy, over-controlling and detached. They tend to meet their needs by dictating to others what to do and how to do it. There is no dialogue or collaboration with employees. Small people don’t role model or lead by example. They want others to believe that they are well versed on virtually every subject and want others to comply with their demands. They are highly rigid, critical, and use coercive techniques to control employees rather than demonstrate affirmation and coaching. Generally, their employees despise them and do just enough work to get by. Their employees are passive-aggressive in the work environment and the idea of creating quality work is resisted due to frustration and anger.
Small people project their insecurities onto others. They try to make their employees feel defective, and in doing so, they attempt to elevate their own sense of self. Competent employees who demonstrate strength and experience can be intimidating to small people. In order to maintain their fragile sense of self, small people try to boost their self-esteem at the expense of others. They may attack and demean those who pose a threat to their self-image. When small people feel threatened, they become defensive and go on the attack. They will do whatever it takes to humiliate those that they perceive as threatening to them. The more resistance they perceive, the more they retaliate. Small people, with their fragile sense of self, thrive on the ability to gain power and control over those who they attempt to manage. One might call boss-management leaders compulsive bureaucrats. They are focused with issues and tasks which others would consider minutiae, and are unable to grasp a larger vision of their corporate goals.
Small people are dangerous because it is difficult to “read” them accurately. They are corporate climbers who are more interested in their own success than the betterment and well-being of those they serve. Employees generally “walk on egg shells” not wanting to make any moves that might create conflict with a boss with a fragile sense of self.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Small people project their insecurities onto others. They try to make their employees feel defective, and in doing so, they attempt to elevate their own sense of self. Competent employees who demonstrate strength and experience can be intimidating to small people. In order to maintain their fragile sense of self, small people try to boost their self-esteem at the expense of others. They may attack and demean those who pose a threat to their self-image. When small people feel threatened, they become defensive and go on the attack. They will do whatever it takes to humiliate those that they perceive as threatening to them. The more resistance they perceive, the more they retaliate. Small people, with their fragile sense of self, thrive on the ability to gain power and control over those who they attempt to manage. One might call boss-management leaders compulsive bureaucrats. They are focused with issues and tasks which others would consider minutiae, and are unable to grasp a larger vision of their corporate goals.
Small people are dangerous because it is difficult to “read” them accurately. They are corporate climbers who are more interested in their own success than the betterment and well-being of those they serve. Employees generally “walk on egg shells” not wanting to make any moves that might create conflict with a boss with a fragile sense of self.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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