THE COURAGE TO CONFRONT

One of the most significant underlying assumptions that many people internalize is, “I must avoid conflict at all costs; if I let others know what I think and feel, I might get disappointed and hurt. However, “sweeping things under the rug” tends to eventually magnify unresolved interactions and events. Resentment, which looms on the other side of our passive behavior, clouds our confidence and judgment.

I define assertiveness as expressing one’s needs and wants in a way that does not intentionally hurt others feelings. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy avoiding the process of telling others what we specifically want from them. As a result, we carry around negative energy as we seethe over what we are missing in our relationships. A friend of mine told me that there is nothing admirable about avoiding hurt. Sometimes emotional pain is an inevitable byproduct of making difficult decisions that involve honest emotional expressiveness. I am amused at couples who proudly proclaim that they never argue or fight but nevertheless find their relationship in jeopardy. Insulating themselves from the inevitability of conflict provides partners with refuge from everyday struggles. However, intimacy requires emotional expressiveness, and many couples either lack the skills or desire to confront life’s problems.

Managing conflict is a process that is uncomfortable for most of us. Many of us have had no role models for understanding how to constructively fight and emerge from conflict to closure. We may have watched our parents suffer in silence and witnessed the resentment that characterized their relationship. Our parents may have used sarcasm, nagging, or open hostility when problems got to the boiling point. They may have danced around issues like two stallions circling each other in a corral. We may have learned to thwart our feelings in response to our parent’s passive-aggressive style of relating.

Many of us are able to confront people and issues in our business life appropriately. We often can assert ourselves with our business colleagues, but feel lost in communicating honestly and openly with those closest to us. We wonder why there is a disconnect between our work persona and our way of communicating at home. The difference exists because it is more frightening to be vulnerable with our loved ones than it is with our business associates. There is more “on the line” with those we care about and therefore we may avoid facing the emotional ramifications of being upfront.

In order to be assertive, we must let go of the power of others approval or disapproval. At times, all of us may be afraid to share our deepest needs, wants, and feelings because of the negative reaction we might anticipate from others. We may assume that our friends will judge us for being authentic. In the 1970’s, Father John Powell of Loyola University in Chicago reflected on this dilemma in a book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? None of us are comfortable with the feeling of being vulnerable, although it seems that the most confident people are those who can allow themselves to be fragile when necessary.

I often tell people to think of assertiveness the way television detective Colombo responded during his investigations. Occasionally he would respond by saying, “Help me understand something, sir? By the way, can you run that by me once again?” Assertiveness involves respecting and valuing the promotion of understanding. I like to call it non-evaluative exploration. This process involves learning to create dialogue, with true appreciation for differences in opinion. It may also mean learning to say no or setting boundaries that are acceptable and not being manipulated into changing them. It may mean the possibility of getting a negative counter-reaction from others and learning to accept their disapproval. The courage to confront means respecting oneself enough to stand firm on what you want and think without getting caught up in the burden of others feelings.

There is a price to pay for discounting one’s emotional feelings. A number of years ago I heard author M. Scott Peck present to a group of mental health professionals in Chicago. He talked about having chronic neck pain and how troublesome the condition was. After many medical tests, and self-reflection, he came to the conclusion that his problem was primarily a metaphor for his life-long pattern of avoidance. Rather than trying to fix everyone else’s problems, he needed to learn to “stick his neck out” and finally face the courage to confront. Appropriately confronting people and events can be accomplished by promoting understanding through non-evaluative exploration. Through this process, individuals and couples can learn to get closure on issues that affect their everyday living.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

LET THINGS BE THE WAY THEY ARE

According to Eugene O’Kelly, author of Chasing Daylight, the most difficult task an individual can undertake is learning to live in the moment. O’Kelly should know, since his quest to manage the process of his own death from a brain tumor underscored his intense desire to learn to cherish the moment during his ordeal. Eugene’s story is an inspiration to all of us who seek to understand the practice of mindfulness, the Eastern terminology for staying in the here-and-now.

Our fast-paced lifestyle, filled with excessive activity, multiple deadlines, and over-stimulation counteracts our capacity to relax and let go. Often, we either embrace what’s in the “rear view mirror” or we anticipate the future with much trepidation. Life becomes an anxious proposition when we ruminate about the past and assume the worst about the future.

Often, people get mired in the past because they have failed to emotionally process it. Unresolved grief and psychic pain keeps us immobilized and robs us of energy for the here-and-now. A friend of mine once said, “Never live with regret.” Our past must be appropriately expressed, forgiven, and healed of the impact that it has in keeping us from moving forward with our lives. One’s past is not truly in the past if there are resentments that continue to be projected into the present. One must forgive in order to let go of any painful vestiges from our history.

Often, individuals sabotage their future goals by making erroneous assumptions that shatter confidence. People thwart their ability to make changes by using prior experience as the benchmark for making adaptations. Staying in the moment involves letting go of the past and not making faulty assumptions about the future. All we have is the present. Life is not a fixed entity; it is an ever-changing, fluid experience. We must seize the moment as well as embrace it. When we try to control life, we tend to feel out of control. We must learn to go downstream with the flow of life rather than fighting the rapids. Trying to hang onto life is like attempting to hold water in one’s hands. It is futile. One’s mantra must be, whatever is will be, whether I like it or not.

There are numerous techniques that people can try as ways of learning the practice of mindfulness. Learning them takes patience and persistence. Mindfulness is heightened awareness. For example, when showering, what are most people doing? They are thinking about the activities that will fill their day. Instead, feel the beads of water gently touching your skin. Immerse yourself in the pleasure of the moment. When drinking a hot cup of tea, feel the liquid as it touches your lips. Hold the cup in both hands to better feel the heat that is generated. Practice simple tasks every day until they become a conscious part of your experience.

Meditation is the most effective way to stay focused in the here-and-now. Meditation does not need to be complicated. It involves simple steps:
· Find a quiet place and sit in a comfortable chair with both feet on the floor.
· Work on breathing from the diaphragm (belly breathing).
· Establish a mantra, such as a number, name or religious symbol as you breathe out.
· Focus on your breathing and redirect your thinking when you tend to wander.
· You may prefer to use prerecorded CD’s or tapes that guide you through the meditative process.

The goal of meditation is to relax the mind and body. This increases awareness, energy and serenity. The most difficult task in meditation is to learn to keep one’s thoughts centered in the moment. It is our natural tendency to wander off into past and future thoughts and feelings. Meditation is both a metaphor and a catalyst for learning to live in the moment. As Eugene Kelly has taught, living in the present is a worthy goal that has the rewards of opening us all to the wonder of life through a much clearer window.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.