SUPER-DADS AND THEIR SONS

Super-Dads are fathers who are perceived by their sons to possess qualities and achievements that are unattainable by the child. Super-Dad’s past or current performance seems overwhelming and larger than life. Sons put their Super-Dads on a pedestal and believe that they will never be able to measure up to their father’s expectations.

Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.

Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.

At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.

Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.

Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.


I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.

It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.

How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.



James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - WITHOUT THE FLUFF

The meaning of Christmas is not embedded in the holiday tradition itself. Although bumper stickers reading, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” are clearly noticeable, it is significant to note that the early Christian church did not celebrate the birth of Christ. Nowhere is Christmas mentioned in the New Testament as a historical and biblical account. The tradition evolved later in church history. In fact, for these and other reasons, many Christians bypass Christmas as a holiday, preferring to place emphasis on Easter, notable for the biblical account of the resurrection of Christ.

Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.

Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”

As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.

The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.

What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.

The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com

HOW TO AVOID POWER-STRUGGLES WITH YOUR KIDS

Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your child. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your child may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.

Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Parents will attempt to get their child to manifest certain desired behaviors while the child may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Children demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Parents may employ various methods in trying to hold their children accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their children. None of these methods generally work very effectively.

Parents who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their children. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a child’s desire for more freedom, or a child merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if parents will change their tactics with their children. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:

• Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
• Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Children should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
• Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your child (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
• Don’t get “hooked” by your child’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
• Consequences for children should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a child while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
• By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a child’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with children about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome). Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your child that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a child to change his perspective about schooling.
  Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits.
• Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
  Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your children make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.

Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your children, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Children will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your child’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your children to emulate.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S. LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.

THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD PARENTING

Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.

Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.

The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.

For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

Dixie Chicks Light up Phoenix, Dispel Predictions

The Dixie Chicks seemed surprised at the reaction that they received from their Phoenix fans. Predictions from journalist had the group performing to a half empty crowd. However, a full crowd supported them as fans stood and cheered throughout the concert. The Dixie Chicks have matured in their work and sound better than ever. They played with a passion that reflected their social and political values. I don’t believe in revering heroes, but if I had one it would be the Chicks. They reflect the values that I embrace in my book, Stepping Out of the Bubble. They are not afraid to “stick their neck out” in support of their beliefs. I like that. Their recent track songs, such as “the long way around” remind me of concepts that I embrace in my book about displaying courage and risk in stepping out of one’s psychological bubble. They have had a rough road to travel, but what they said politically has made them look prophetic.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.

CONFIDENT STAY AT-HOME MOMS

Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents lose their sense of self in the process of caretaking for their children. A woman’s natural instinct to “protect her flock” may come into direct conflict with developing a strong self-identity.

Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.

In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.

A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?

I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.

Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.

At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.

It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.

Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.

Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James", through an interactive forum for parents at www.theparentstation.com.

HOW TO MANAGE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR

For many people, obsessive-compulsive disorder responds well to a combination of antidepressant medication and cognitive therapy. Most people with OCD appear to be predisposed to the symptoms. Usually you can find other extended family members who share a similar pattern of ritualistic behavior. Therapeutic treatment involves the following process: relabeling, reattribution, relaxation techniques and refocusing strategies. Relabeling and reattribution techniques are designed to assist in objectifying the disorder and realizing that people are more than their obsessions. For example, I teach people to internally respond by saying, "A part of my brain works in ways that make me repeat things continuously. This is merely my disorder speaking; I am more than my disorder." This way of perceiving one’s obsessive features helps people to detach the nature of their problem from their sense of self. Relaxation techniques may involve exercise, music, message, meditation and vacationing in a soothing environment. These strategies slow down the sympathetic nervous system minimizing anxiety and making it easier for people with OCD to manage their thoughts and behavior. One’s level of anxiety is directly related to the impact of compulsive behavior.
Refocusing techniques refers to assisting patients to shift from obsessional thinking and behavior to other more self-rewarding activities. A change in activities lessens the impact of the OCD thinking and behavior. For example, a child may have a ritualistic pattern of continuously changing the television remote control in a certain order. A therapeutic goal might be to get the child to leave his obsession by getting up and leaving the room, possibly departing the house for a brief walk. I have people track the intensity of their anxiety during the time that they are away from their ritualistic behavior. When removed from an obsessional behavior, anxiety initially becomes worse and then dissipates in strength over time. Once the child returns to the obsessional pattern after voluntarily leaving it, it usually has decreased in its impact and intensity. The child may say, "I was able to keep from repeating the pattern continuously. I only did it twice!" Reinforcement and encouragement are important for people attempting to minimize obsessive patterns.

Those who experience OCD are typically anxious about their symptoms and fight to get rid of them. It is essential that those who suffer from OCD learn to accept their symptoms rather than struggle with them. Acceptance of any form of anxiety helps one to minimize the symptoms. For example, one might say, “Here come those “crazy feelings” again. They sure are annoying but they won’t hurt me. If I learn to “let them be” they will eventually dissipate in their effect on me.”

It is important for those who experience OCD to share their problem with a close friend or therapist. Expressing one’s feelings about the pattern may help in dealing with any feelings of shame or embarrassment. For the OCD sufferer, it is significant to remember that most people experience features of the disorder. All behavioral problems lie on a continuum. Struggling with OCD is no exception. When we share our problems with others, we realize that we are not alone in our difficulties. It takes courage to admit that we are less than perfect and to allow ourselves to share our humanity with others. When we learn to quit fighting with our imperfections, the issue eventually seems less troublesome.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.

DEALING WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

Many people have experience Posttraumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. One of my patients was in a highly abusive relationship with a man who physically beat her. This went on for some time as she allowed herself to remain in a pattern to be re-traumatized. Currently, relationships still terrify her. Due to mistrustful feelings, she pushes men away with her anger and rage. Then she becomes upset with herself for behaving in impulsive ways. The key to treatment for her is to isolate the traumatic feelings, explore the pain around them, and to teach her new ways of behaving that are based on rational thinking. She no longer needs to view herself as the victim in relationships. She needs to expand her psychic map to include new feeling, thoughts, and behavior. This exploration process is painful, but it will free her of the need to continue victimizing herself. She needs to flush out the negative energy that has allowed her to be re-traumatized. The cycle can be broken with proper therapeutic intervention.

Clients who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder experience the effects of psychic numbing. These people also tend to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic, anger and rage and startle response. A friend of mine, who was a Lieutenant during the Vietnam War, experiences features of this disorder. When the snowplows rumble through his hometown during a major snowstorm, it is not unusual for him to be awakened in the early morning by the sounds. Sometimes, he jumps out of the bed in total confusion and panic. It’s as if he back in the rice paddies of Vietnam waiting for the next mortar found to explode. What he is experiencing is the startle response or hypervigilence. Isn’t it amazing how the brain works? After thirty years loud noises still take him back to a place where psychic numbing was necessary for survival. All of the painful psychic energy is stored in our bodies and mind. Many times I recommend message therapy as an adjunct treatment to clients who have stored painful feelings, because it is one more entry point for ferreting out troublesome emotional energy.

It is important that we do not forget those of have been the victims of PTSD. Now that the dust has settled, do we still remember that we have an obligation as a country to treat those who have suffered for this disorder as a result of war and natural disasters? Let us not forget our families who have suffered from the ravages of our current struggle in Iraq, “the war on terror,” and those who endured Hurricane Katrina.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can “ask James” through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.

OUR COSMETIC CULTURE

Much of what we see in the media is cosmetic. Youth is personified and glorified. The use of steroid enhancing drugs to foster the “culture of youth” is widely role-modeled and promoted. Have you been to a high school activity lately? Can you separate many of the mothers from their daughters in terms of the “baby-doll clothes?” Cosmetic surgery has become more of a necessity, rather than an option. Recently, I was doing some marketing for my business. I went to a plastic surgeon’s office locate nearby my practice location. As the office manager approached me, I sensed that she had undergone facial surgery. Why is it that many of us have a hunch that an individual has had facial reconstruction surgery? I am told that it is not unusual for administrative staffs that work in reconstructive surgeon’s offices to have undergone the process for themselves. I guess they serve as a role model for their patients who are considering a surgical procedure.

I identified myself to the office staff member and responded with, “I am sure that there are times when you have potential clients who experience body misperception problems, who do not need surgery, and I am her to tell you that I can help them. She looked at me as if I had “ten heads.” She was clueless as to what I was trying to say regarding the emotional implications of body misperception during the screening for potential patients. I thanked her for her time and then departed. I am told that it is no longer unusual for teenage girls, in lieu of receiving new clothes, money or other gifts, to receive breast reconstruction surgery for their birthday!

Often, the media perpetuates this cosmetic image. Some of my friends have a son who has been a correspondent in Afghanistan. He has indicated on numerous occasions that the “fair and balanced” news reporting that we receive from various resources in the United States about the current war on terror is distorted. However, many people are not interested in quality journalism. They naively accept a spin on a story that will keep them awake. They are content with a story that will hold their attention through the use of sensationalism.

Often, people have an aversion to the truth about current political events. There are many Americans who still do not see the magnitude of the brutal treatment of prisoners during our current war on terrorism. We may justify or minimize our government’s mistakes. Many people don’t want to believe that there is a dark side to our institution of government. It’s too painful to ask the difficult questions such as, “Could this brutality of detainees by a systemic problem within our government?” One of the ways of avoiding reality is to exalt a person, situation, or institution.

How many flag-draped coffins have we seen coming home from Iraq? How many stories of maimed or emotionally traumatized soldiers have been covered? People and institutions tend to compartmentalize difficult and painful realities as a way of coping. Keeping things guarded protects the public from experiencing the full impact of events. By making war appear sanitized, people lose a sense of the magnitude of horrific events. With that in mind, how do we get people to “step out of the bubble” and begin viewing life as it really is? Much of our culture is cosmetic in nature because “appearances” are more important than the truth. We shun the harsh realities of life which keep us functioning in “shallow waters.” I believe that it is important to observe life the way it really is and face the emotional impact that comes with that awareness. Then we really have our eyes wide open.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available through http://www.amazon.com/. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.parentstation.com.

"SAVING FACE" WITH MY WIFE'S SURPRISE

My wife decided to plan a brief weekend get-away for our anniversary. We decided to stay in a beautiful resort which was nestled in the foothills of West Tucson. It was the kind of resort where every time you turned around someone for the hotel would respond with “Is there anything I can get you?”

Since were staying in a “spa-like” resort, my wife decided to surprise me with a very unique gift. Mind you, when my wife says she has a surprise for me, I get very worried – this time was no exception. Andrea decided to contact the hotel spa in advance and arrange for me to be treated to a facial.

A knew that women have these facials all the time, but I wasn’t quite sure what the process was like. My first thought was, “Here it is our 16th wedding anniversary and after all this time my wife has concluded that she dislikes the way I look. Aging has taken its toll, but I wasn’t sure about the need for this surprise! After all, isn’t it true that women are the one’s who are supposed to look good for their men?

During our anniversary stay, I began asking my wife about what I was in for with this “facial.” I felt like I was moving into the unknown and needed some reassurance. Would it be like a massage? Would there be weird music playing and incense burning? Who would be doing this to me and what plan of action would this facial take? Would she put mud on my face? How about cucumbers on my eyes? It all seemed rather scary. My wife sensed my humorous apprehension.

I decided that I needed to do what I tell my patients to do – take those deep breaths and let it all out. I was afraid that other men would see me enter the spa, so I decided to have my wife escort me to the spa center. You would have thought I was preparing for emergency surgery. While Andrea waited in the spa center, I was escorted by a gentleman to a locker room where I prepared for my adventure by putting on a robe and a pair of flip-flops. The gentleman then brought me some green tea as I waited for the arrival of the “facial masseuse.” A delightful, charming young lady came to the door and said, “Are you Mr. Krehbiel?” Nobody’s called me Mr. Krehbiel since my teaching days and very few people ever pronounce my name accurately. She had my interest. She was the master healer. The goddess of facials!

We walked down the hallway to a tiny room. I lay down on a massage table and waited for her to enter. The rest of the experience is rather foggy. I do remember that she put all kinds of creams and oils on my face, as well as my feet and hands. I recall that the room was steamy. She had the weird music playing. She talked calmly in a soothing voice. I was mesmerized. She moisturized my feet and hands and then placed them in plastic bags. They were left that way until the end of the facial.

When I left, my wife saw my new face - a softer, gentler, glowing looking me. Even though I don’t remember each step of the procedure, I know it involved creams, oils, steam and wraps for my hands and feet.

I told my wife to never tell anyone about my spa experience. But she had already told her best friends. Now I have to live with any impact on my reputation. Now I have to face them with my soft, smooth, glowing, younger looking skin. Pity me!



James P Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or his website at www.krehbielcounsling.com.

THE BASIS OF OUR BELIEFS

Many people’s belief system is a by-product of a foundation of poor parenting. If an individual has been exposed to ineffective parenting, a religious belief system may be based upon deficiencies in psychological development. Some people believe in a “tyrant God,” one who spreads gloom and doom. These individuals will talk incessantly about how they disappointed God, how they may have lost their salvation, and the guilt feelings that they experience. They live with the fear that God is mad at them. Until one deals with problems related to psychological development, one’s vision of religion and faith will be distorted. Often, people look out the lenses of their depression, anxiety, and fear and make faulty interpretations about the nature of spiritual reality.

However, along with the courage and risk of undertaking spiritual and psychological change comes a certain period of disorientation. But if we can tolerate the groan zone, we may move into a newer, fuller, richer place within. It is a place where we feel grounded, at peace with ourselves. There is a sense of humility than emanates from us as we view the world with wonder. We may sense that a Higher Power is working on our behalf. We are not afraid of those who disagree with us. We are also not afraid to look at a variety of spiritual and ethical dilemmas from different perspectives.

For example, if you are a pro-life advocate, can you build an argument to support the right to pro-choice? Some would suggest this way of thinking is sacrilegious. On the contrary, I believe that it is the only way to solidify what beliefs are really true for us. One must think in a flexible, multidimensional manner in order to develop a strong conviction on any issue. A good debater or an excellent attorney always gathers information regarding an opponent’s strongest argument. This in turn makes a case more compelling.

Spiritual growth and development calls for a change in our way of viewing God and spiritual reality. Those who embrace faith have an unreserved openness to the truth wherever they may find it. They are not afraid of doubt or new ways of navigating their spiritual journey. In fact, they view the process of doubting and changing as an integral part of their quest to find God and the truths surrounding Him.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

SURVIVING THE ADOLESCENT PASSAGE: WHAT A PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW

Parenting a teenager is no easy task. Parenting your adolescent son or daughter during the turbulence of this transitional period is an art. Ask anyone who’s involved in doing this job. They’ll tell you that you don’t fix your kids during this time-frame; you just stay on the edge of the storm. Parenting takes a great deal of courage, patience, and learning through trial and error.

As a therapist, parents frequently ask me, “What are some guidelines to keep in mind which will help me and my youngster navigate the adolescent years?” The following principles are ones that I have found important as I have raised my own children and worked with other teens in schools and clinical counseling situations. There are no “magic bullets”, but hopefully these suggestions with be of assistance to you.

Get in touch with you own child-within.
Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? What kinds of experiences did you have? Can you unblock any painful memories? Can you relive positive memories and experience them in the present moment? What’s that feel like? It is important to recapture your own childhood so that you can stay connected to your teen and do not live vicariously through her experience. Understanding your own childhood will allow you to continue emotional contact and share lighthearted common experiences with your child. Shared playful activities, such as going to a ball game, biking together, or taking a fishing trip together can build bridges. Maintaining positive physical contact with your teen is critically important. Although your child may not request physical affection, initiating it is important to maintaining a strong emotional bond.

Teach the lessons of life through shared experience.
Resist the urge to moralize, lecture, and give unwarranted advice. Your child will tune you out. It is more effective to use positive and negative consequences as a way of setting limits. One method I used to reach my kids about current issues was through the use of the newspaper. Often, I would come across articles which had a direct impact on teen problems. For example, I would talk with my kids about their “heroes” who went astray through self-medicating. I would ask them to read the article and ask them how they felt about it. Sometimes when my teens had made mistakes, I would share my own blunders in a connecting way and then we would explore better ways of behaving.

Major in the majors issues, not the minors. Know your bottom-line expectations.
Be firm, courageous and unified on the big boundary issues. Don’t get locked into focusing on minor issues which distract from your most important values. What tint your teen decides to use as hair color may not be as critical as how he treats other people. Set consequence that are reasonable and be consistent in enforcing them!

Don’t over-function on behalf of your child.
Never do for your child what he can do for himself. Failing to follow this policy is an invitation for your teen to avoid responsibility for his behavior. I can’t tell you the number to times that I used to facilitate parent/ student/teacher conferences where the parents anxiously took notes during the conference while their child “snored” his way through the experience. Remember, who owns the problem?

Keep a sense of proper perspective.
Talk about your own feelings with your teen. By sharing yourself, you keep the doors of communications open. Learn to keep mistakes in perspective. Just how horrible is this problem? Very few mistakes are catastrophic. For example, my daughter came home extremely late from a party in high school. My first reaction was to confront her and chastise for her inconsiderate behavior. I had tried that disciplinary action before and it accomplished nothing productive. Consequently, this time when she got home, I attempted to promote understanding by telling her how afraid I was about her late arrival. My response surprised her and opened the door for us to talk about the issue from my perspective.

Discuss goal-setting with your teen.
Kids, during the teenage years, have trouble making a connection between the present moment and the future. Teenagers need the opportunity to explore their dreams. They need help in finding their niche. Talk with you child about her shot-term and long-term plans. Goal-setting helps kids stay grounded and active in the present. When my son showed an interest in music, I did everything possible to encourage his activity in that area. I paid for private lessons, and attended his concerts regularly.

Never give up hope. As difficult as things may get for you and your teenager, change is always possible. Remember, there are no sacred ways of parenting. If one plan doesn’t work, try an alternative strategy. Try a paradoxical (opposite) manner of handling a problem. You might be surprised at the results. Never forget that ultimately your teen should be held responsible for the choices he makes.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

HAVE YOU MASTERED THE ART OF CHOOSING?

One of the hallmarks of those who feel victimized is their inability to choose. It doesn’t matter whether it is a big decision or a minor one - avoiders lack the ability to make a choice. Have you ever been with someone while dining out who takes an inordinate amount of time choosing from the menu? They agonize as they contemplate the significance of what to eat. Making a wrong decision appears catastrophic. The primary fear appears to be the misfortune of making a mistake. According to those who are decision-phobic, mistakes must be avoided at all costs. Making a mistake is considered a personal failure and it can’t be tolerated. It takes courage to feel comfortable about making a decision that may involve the potential for risks and mistakes.

Many people are terrified of making mistakes. The origins of this fear may stem from parenting issues during childhood. One’s parents may have either been over-functioning adults, not allowing their children to make their own decisions - the parents may have been highly controlling, critical and intimidating; or they may have been “absent” parents. In either case, the underlying message was, “Others can do for you much better than you can do for yourself.” Powerful words originating out of childhood can be tools that affect people’s opinions, choices and behavior. Toxic words can rob a child of the courage to function independently.

We make decisions based upon the best information available to us at the time the choice is made. One can always second-guess a decision, but it is important to maintain the “mantra” of no regrets. A friend of mine once said that there is no such thing as a calculated risk. All risks ultimately involve jumping off the deep end and hoping for the best. There are no assurances in this business of taking risks. One must forgive oneself for being less than perfect and learn to live with the consequences of each action. Taking personal responsibility for change is essential and it is courageous.

In order to assist indecisive people I ask them, “What is the worst thing that can happen if your decision is a mistake? Having individuals realistically evaluate potential outcomes of their behavior helps them to get things in perspective. The process of choosing needs to be viewed apart from the decision to be made. If you choose, you are courageous whether things turn out right or go awry. The process of choosing empowers and gives us the needed courage to make future decisions. Once a decision is made, mistakes don’t seem as debilitating. A choice that doesn’t go according to plans can be changed. Once we have internalized the power of choosing, we can always select new paths for behavioral change. No one choice seems so dramatic. It’s through changing behaviors such as decision-making that we learn personal growth and development.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE COUPLE BUBBLE

Often partners struggle in their efforts to communicate in their relationships. They are unable to promote the kind of understanding that enhances their connection to one another. It is not unusual for a couple to express to me, “At least we don’t have the problem of fighting with each other.”

What many fail to realize is that learning to “constructively fight” is an important ingredient for a successful relationship. Many couples avoid dealing with difficult issues through distancing from their partner and I call this the “couple bubble.”

It is essential that couples address the issue of their style of relating. Does the partner play the passive role, failing to take the risk of sharing necessary thoughts and deep feelings? Is she afraid to set limits in the relationship and hold her partner accountable for his behavior? Does she acquiesce in the relationship and harbor resentment because she feels a loss of power and control?

Often individuals relate in an aggressive manner in relationships. Is he controlling about finances and other issues? Is there verbal intimidation through threats and yelling? Is there a critical, judgmental way of relating? Is he persistent, nagging, bullying, and manipulative?

A friend of mine recently told me that he was not impressed by those in a relationship who avoid conflict. Disagreeing with each other’s beliefs may be an inevitable byproduct of an honest dialogue about differences in perspective. The central issue is learning a style of relating that will permit a constructive, nonviolent expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings.

Couples need to learn to promote understanding in an assertive manner. I define assertiveness as sharing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that makes appropriate contact with others and is not aimed at intentionally inflicting emotional damage. This means that partners must be ready to listen to each other without making value judgments, and to share their thoughts and feeling in a considerate fashion. I call this process “promoting understanding.” Here are some guidelines for promoting understanding in a relationship:

When you speak to your partner about an issue, use “I” messages. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than delivering “you” messages; i.e. “You make me feel…”
Take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Soften your messages with exploratory statement such as, “Help me understand your perspective. I don’t get it, could you repeat that please?”
Take turns reflecting or paraphrasing what your partner is expressing.
Fight the urge to defend yourself and make value judgments about your partner’s perspective.
Say the difficult messages in a kind way. “One of the problems that I see in our relationship is…”
Don’t bring up relationship history; it is toxic to the communication process.
Avoid “pressing the play button.” If you see yourselves going down the “old road”, call a time out. Either state your position in a different way, or if things are too heated, wait for a better time to resume your discussion.
Remember that outside stressors can affect communications, and therefore acknowledge to each other the stressors you face.
If you acknowledge each others vulnerabilities, you can use your weaknesses as communication bridges, rather than weapons of projected anger.

In order to feel safe with your partner, you must feel that your opinions will be valued and respected. Remember that nagging, avoiding, bullying or throwing up the past has no place in honest communications. Also, aligning yourself with your children to make a point is unfair to your partner and your kids. True intimacy emerges in a relationship when both partners respect and value the process of promoting understanding to foster a more meaningful relationship.

James P. Krehbiel. Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE PERSONAL PASSION TO WRITE

People often ask me, why do you write? Writing has always fascinated me. During high school, when I was going through the turbulence of adolescence, I wrote a series of poems to soothe me. My parents moved our family to a new city during my junior year of high school and it led to some emotional upheaval as I was forced to leave my school and lifelong friends. Writing provided me with a way of managing my feelings during a time when I felt rather helpless.

It wasn’t fashionable for boys to excel in grammar and composition, but throughout school I enjoyed and was proficient in language skills. I recall diagramming sentences in elementary school. While others groaned through the experience, I found the process challenging and enjoyable.

In college, I took courses in grammar, composition and poetry, even though my undergraduate major was in sociology and anthropology. I recall taking a Victorian Poetry course, even though the entire class was composed of English majors. I was forced to become a quick learner when it came to interpreting classical poetry.

There was a period in adulthood when I was going through my “midlife crisis” that I began writing poetry again. I wrote a poem called, So I Walked the Road Home which described my need to get closure on certain aspects of my childhood experience. The poem describes how I had returned to the site of my old little league baseball diamond, only to find that the fence had been removed and the field was now used for girl’s softball. Another poem entitled, A Home Within explored my journey to find a sense of true love and inner validation.

There has always been an inner tug or urgency to write a book and publish it. Having completed that task through my work called, Stepping Out of the Bubble, I now have focused my attention on article writing. I have written a plethora of articles on topics ranging from management skills to those related to personal growth and development. Writing for me is an avocation, a calling, although I am a paid contributing writer for FamilyResource.com, an online tool for families. Some of the personal benefits one can derive from writing are:

Writing is a soothing experience which “calms the waters.”
Writing taps into passions, dreams, needs, and feelings.
Writing helps to resolve life transitions.
Writing helps to provide closure to unfinished chapters in life.
Writing provides a sense of empowerment and competency.
Writing helps to explain oneself to the world.
Writing helps to fine-tune thinking about topics that are important.
Writing provides an opportunity to dialogue with others over differences in perspective.
Writing helps to establish a sense of personal identity.
Writing provides exposure to other people and organizations.
Writing provides an avenue for conveying strongly held beliefs and convictions.
Writing is a tool for sharing other peoples’ life story.
Writing is a means for conveying our fascination with specific interests and activities.

For me, writing is a cherished gift that has no end. As long as I am alive, I will hopefully have new and fresh ideas to share with others. Those who catch the vision of writing will find a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Writing brings out our best instincts and provides us with a tool for conveying our inner yearnings and ethical and moral principles. Writing provides us with an avenue for creating meaning by sharing our deepest convictions with the world. All we really have in this life are our truest sense of self, our experiences, our valued relationships, and the memories that surround these ideals.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

DISCIPLINE THROUGH COACHING

Coaching our children is an important facet in the process of parenting. Coaching children consists of role-modeling and teaching proper ways of behaving. Often, we assume that our children are aware and understand what our expectations are for them. We may feel discouraged if our kids do not share their toys properly, do not smile and greet people with proper social skills, or manage their household chores. As parents, we become frustrated when our children display behaviors that demonstrate a lack of concern for others, behave impulsively, or lack personal independence.

Establishing positive and negative consequences are important to discipline, but first parents must coach their youngsters regarding the ways of handling a myriad of social behaviors, helping them to develop self-confidence and self-directed behavior. Coaching your children may involve:

• Teaching basic hygiene skills such as showing your child how to brush his teeth properly.
• Coaching your child in the skills necessary to promote playing fair with others.
• Educating your child in the use of proper social manners and etiquette.
• Coaching your child to respect and value personal property.
• Teaching your child to be sensitive to the feelings of others.
• Educating your child to support and assist children who are less fortunate.
• Teaching positive thinking and the development of positive character traits.
• Educating children to assist the family with household chores. Demonstrate to them how to do the chores satisfactorily. Allow for mistakes and re-teach.

Appropriate behaviors that children display must be “caught” and “taught” by their parents. Coaching your children in the proper ways of handling behavioral tasks is imperative. Without parental involvement in teaching your children how to manage their behavior, your discipline plan is a recipe for failure.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

WHAT'S SUCCESS ALL ABOUT ANYWAY?

Being successful means moving on, no matter what circumstances arise. It means being a fighter, the kind of fighter that never gives up hope. We can envision what we want the future to hold. Then we must go out into the world and make it happen. Mistakes are an option, but complete failure is not. Learning from our mistakes and moving forward is productive. We need to understand that the world isn’t going to change to accommodate out self-pity. Anything we get, we must pursue with diligence. This is what persistence is all about. It is a wonderful character trait. Persistent people are continuously knocking on the door of change. They want things to be better for themselves and others. They refuse to give in to problems and difficulties that surround them. Persistence is the quality that keeps you going when you don’t feel like trying anymore. You refuse to let obstacles stand in the way of successful living.

Many people define successful living as having the right car, living in the right neighborhood, and having the right job. Success for many is defined by the amount of money one makes. Many people have had all of these things and have watched them fade away in a moments notice. What sustains you when the American dream is no longer a reality? When you are no longer around, will you be known for you professional talent? How about your ability to make a lot of money? How about the way you look? We must think about the character traits we want to leave as our legacy.

Being a successful, fully functioning individual is about being true to whom you are and letting things be the way they are. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change our lives and reality to fit a preconceived notion that we have about life. We try to manipulate life as a way of functioning, avoiding any anguish that accompanies current awareness. By living in the rear view mirror, we cheat ourselves out of all that life has for us in the present and future. Live in the moment, let go of the past, and don’t try to anticipate the future. Move into the future with the conviction that all will work out. Your convictions will bring positive energy into the future and will help you realize your dreams. Believe that everything is possible. Nothing is out of your range of success. Your perception of events determines the kind of thinking that you will create. Reframe negative thoughts and circumstances so that things will move in a positive direction for you. Success is a choice involving your character and behavior, not a lifestyle.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released a book entitled, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.py. His book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html.

WHEN MANAGEMENT LEADERS ACT "SMALL"

Some people lack authenticity and I refer to them as “small people.” They are difficult to deal with because they have blocked many issues about competency from awareness. They are not genuine. They tend to overcompensate by trying to act important. They tend to project a sense of shallowness rather than substance. In the corporate world, these are the leaders who like to micromanage, who use boss-management techniques, and believe in a hierarchal system of organization. They use their role to control people and events. They can be arrogant, pushy, over-controlling and detached. They tend to meet their needs by dictating to others what to do and how to do it. There is no dialogue or collaboration with employees. Small people don’t role model or lead by example. They want others to believe that they are well versed on virtually every subject and want others to comply with their demands. They are highly rigid, critical, and use coercive techniques to control employees rather than demonstrate affirmation and coaching. Generally, their employees despise them and do just enough work to get by. Their employees are passive-aggressive in the work environment and the idea of creating quality work is resisted due to frustration and anger.

Small people project their insecurities onto others. They try to make their employees feel defective, and in doing so, they attempt to elevate their own sense of self. Competent employees who demonstrate strength and experience can be intimidating to small people. In order to maintain their fragile sense of self, small people try to boost their self-esteem at the expense of others. They may attack and demean those who pose a threat to their self-image. When small people feel threatened, they become defensive and go on the attack. They will do whatever it takes to humiliate those that they perceive as threatening to them. The more resistance they perceive, the more they retaliate. Small people, with their fragile sense of self, thrive on the ability to gain power and control over those who they attempt to manage. One might call boss-management leaders compulsive bureaucrats. They are focused with issues and tasks which others would consider minutiae, and are unable to grasp a larger vision of their corporate goals.

Small people are dangerous because it is difficult to “read” them accurately. They are corporate climbers who are more interested in their own success than the betterment and well-being of those they serve. Employees generally “walk on egg shells” not wanting to make any moves that might create conflict with a boss with a fragile sense of self.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released, Stepping out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE THREADS THAT LINK ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR

Many people have features of an addictive personality. They heed the call to the “pleasure center”, located in the frontal lobe of the brain. As many of us yield to the urges and cravings of the pleasure center, our negative beliefs and behaviors reinforce the need to continue self-defeating addictive behavior.

Beneath the addiction, one finds personality characteristics which sustain the addiction. According the Charlie Whitfield, an author on addictive behavior, these characteristics are common to all addictions. People most likely experience problems with trust, dependency, abandonment, shame, guilt, and the expression of deep feelings. Once the addiction is uncovered, these issues must be addressed through group addiction's meeting or individual therapy. Often adults whose parents were alcoholics choose to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings in order to resolve the fallout from family behavior. Family members can be affected by addictive behavior and may adopt behavioral characteristics similar to the addict.

Addictive behavior lies on a continuum. For some of us, our tendency to compulsively engage in a particular behavior may not affect our everyday functioning. For example, many people may engage in a pattern of ritualistic jogging. This may be considered a positive addiction because the activity promotes physical fitness and can release endorphins which elevate one’s mood and behavior. If, however, the jogger begins to dismiss friendships, social activities and responsibilities in order to sustain the jogging pattern, then the activity takes on a different meaning. Furthermore, many joggers may become so obsessive about their interest that they begin experiencing significant weight loss, making them appear too thin and fostering body misperception problems.

People struggle with addictive patterns such as weight gain, gambling, sexual addictions, eating disorders, compulsive shopping and self-cutting. I am merely providing a brief list of addictive behaviors. A comprehensive list is too exhaustive to print.

Many people ask me, “Are there any common characteristics or features that link all of the various addictions into a pattern? The following is my perception of the common threads that link all addictive behaviors:

Ÿ Most addictive behaviors are an attempt at avoiding unpleasant and painful experiences.
Ÿ Most addictive urges and cravings are triggered by underlying self-defeating beliefs.
Ÿ Most people with addictions experience masked emotional problems such as anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive characteristics.
Ÿ Most addictions are fueled by thwarted anger and self-blame, particularly among adolescents.
Ÿ Shame-based beliefs and feelings are at the core of all addictions.
Ÿ Most people who experience addictions complete a “repetition cycle” of abuse. The cycle starts with experiencing an urge, yielding to the cravings, feeling numb with a decrease in anxiety, manifesting guilt and remorse, followed by an escalation of anxiety and a repeat of the cycle.
Ÿ The primary goal of addictive behavior is to decrease anxiety.

People who experience addictions that are affecting their lifestyle and relationships can benefit from finding a quality counselor who is trained in addressing issues related to addictions treatment. There are also many outpatient and inpatient treatment programs within the Phoenix metropolitan area available to assist children and adults experiencing addictive behavior. If you think you might have a problem with addictions, listen to your partner, listen to your friends, and listen to your own inner-voice. Don’t wait until you “hit rock bottom.” Demonstrate courage by addressing your problems now.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, cognitive-behavioral therapist, and freelance writer. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

REFLECTIONS ON THE RUN-AWAY WEDDING

While many of us have spent an inordinate amount of time analyzing the reasons why the “bride-to-be” would avoid her marriage vows, I have wondered about the wedding itself. What role does our “bigger is better” mentality play in creating conflict, pressure, and social relationships built on a lack of authenticity?

It is my understanding that the institution of marriage represents an intimate, committed, respectful and sacramental bond between two people and the social community that honors the partners. Those who choose to marry hopefully spend a significant amount of time developing a loving relationship based on a psychological and spiritual commitment to each others well-being. The courting process takes time, patience and understanding. It is not easy.

So why complicate that which is already difficult by planning a wedding consisting of 14 bridesmaids, 14 bridegrooms and 600 guests? Since extravagant weddings are culturally condoned and accepted, very few of us ponder over the implications of such an event. I can’t even imagine the planning that is entailed in holding a wedding of this magnitude!

I think it is appropriate to ask the question, for what purpose is such a wedding desirable? Who benefits from such an extravagant affair? Is it about the parent trying to impress others with their financial means? Does it have to do with the parents feeling the need to seal the approval of their daughter? Do the parents or daughter feel that a bigger wedding will make for a more meaningful, committed marriage? This certainly was not the case with the run-away bride.

When parents spend huge sums of money to put on a wedding, I wonder about the dynamics of the family. Are the relationships loving and authentic? Whose wedding plan is it? To what extent do the bride and groom have a vested interest in the plan? How does the planning and extravagant wedding affect the ability of the bride-to-be to discuss her insecurity about the up-coming marriage? Do the dynamics within the family create an artificial barrier which inhibits communications about the marriage event?

The stress and pressure involved in getting married is significant. One of the reasons why the run-away bride episode has created so much attention is that many women can identify with the feelings of fear and avoidance. But most comparisons stop there.

What is it about our culture that makes us feel that overindulgence in any manner makes things better? We talk about our “spoiled” children, but as adults we do very little to prevent over functioning on their behalf. As parents, we complain about our rebellious children, but are often reluctant to set reasonable limits. Many of us give our children everything they want and then pay a price by having to deal with their attitude of entitlement.

As I “gaze into my crystal ball,” I wonder if the run-away bride’s parents are still in bewilderment over what has happened to their wonderful daughter. Could it be that the enormity of a wedding itself plays a role in the insecurity that couples feel prior to the ceremony?
Postscript: Is anyone surprised that this marriage has now been called off for good? Obviously, after further contemplation, the fiance realized that there was too much baggage.

James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE POWER OF WORDS

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Don Ruiz, in his book called the Four Agreements, talks about the power of words. Most of us have had things said about us that were emotionally damaging. Early childhood recollections of slights and criticisms impact all of us in negative ways. We tend to vividly remember comments that were expressed in a way that made us feel small. I can still remember how embarrassed I felt when a girl I dated to the homecoming dance turned on me in front of her friends. I felt devastated. I couldn’t understand how a night I enjoyed turned out to be such a humiliating experience because of the words and body language expressed by this young girl that I was infatuated with. I never wanted to date again. Negative early recollections have a way of crystallizing and emerging as “hot buttons" later on in life.

I had a client who had a first grade teacher who was intimidating and mean. He is a sensitive guy, and the mere mention of that experience caused an emotional reaction. In fact, it was a presenting issue that we dealt with within the first several sessions. When a partner in a relationship continues to get beaten down through the use of negative communication, those words ultimately create a sense of indifference. After a period of time, the partner quits caring. One shuts down to the power of words and gives up on the relationship. The Bible says that “love covers a multitude of sins" but some words are so damaging that irreparable harm may be done. Forgiveness no longer has much meaning. Trust and respect have been broken.

Words that others communicate are either uplifting or destructive. Destructive comments are often internalized and later recycled as we repeat the intergenerational pattern of pain. It is imperative that we take responsibility for the pain of our past and commit ourselves to not re-offend at the expense of our loved ones.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE URGENCY OF DOING

Life is too short. But the fear of passing time may give us an urgency about making things right. Such a feeling of urgency may create the conditions for changing the quality of our character and behavior. We don’t have forever to redeem the losses from our personal history. We must make amends with those we have offended, heal our relationships with those we care about, and move on. This is what fully functioning people do. They don’t wait, they don’t procrastinate, but rather they act. It was Roberto Assagioli, the great Italian physician and psychiatrist who wrote the book, The Act of the Will. The entire book is based on the assumption that people can learn to mobilize, to act. Assagioli actually teaches people how to act rather than react to life.

When I worked in educational systems as a guidance counselor, I would invariably meet with a child who would respond to a request that I have made by saying, “I’ll try to do that!" To demonstrate to the student the impact of trying, I would say to him, “Try to get up out of the chair you are sitting in." The child would look at me dumbfounded, and I can assure you in thirty years of working with children no one ever stood up following my request. Next I would say, “Get up out of that chair!" No problem, every student would stand up immediately. Trying is another word for excuse making. People don’t try to change, they commit themselves to doing it. It is only when one gives up the illusion of trying and makes a serious effort to alter one’s behavior that real change emerges.


James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He has released a book entitled Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. Copies are available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE

I think my mother has finally "stepped out of the bubble." After years of being in a fog due to an unfortunate series of painful ailments, she has recently told me that she feels alive again. Her attitude has changed for the better, and she still climbs on the bus at her independent living facility to go the the grocery store. It's never too late to change! My mother is 91 years old.

HOW TO PROMOTE BABY BONDING

Recently my daughter came to visit me with her one year old daughter, Malia. I was so excited to see them. They came to visit as my daughter was involved in some business matters. Amy was selected to accept a marketing award for her company for a plan she orchestrated involving a high-rise condominium in Washington, D.C.

The night of the awards ceremony, my daughter left Malia alone with me. As Amy walked out the door for the evening, Malia stood next to me and began sobbing. Tears filled her little face as she fell to the floor. I watched with curiosity. Abruptly, Malia shook off her distress, got up and meandered into our family room.

Sensing that she was over her troubled feelings about her mother’s departure, I proceeded to check some e-mail messages in my office. Soon afterwards, as I glanced back across my shoulder, I observed this little figure approaching me with a very big book. Malia was pointing at the book and making sounds that let me clearly know that she wanted it read. She gently handed me the book and then she surprised me. With arms wide open, she was gesturing for me to hold her. I took her into my arms and read her favorite book about spring-time flowers. After we read the story and looked at all the pictures, she nestled into my arms. I put a blanket around us and relished the moments of bonding with my baby granddaughter.

Afterwards, I thought about what my daughter was doing right, and ways in which all mothers can foster their child’s bonding:

Don’t “put the breaks” on your life. As soon as possible, take your baby outside the home. Put your child in a stroller, and resume normal activity. Go shopping, walking, do errands, and take your baby to be around other children.
Don’t react to temper tantrums. Don’t display anxiousness, anger, or a desire to fix things for your child. Maintain a sense of detachment, wait patiently, and move on.
Don’t get hooked into over-dramatizing when your child gets hurt. Kids can “read” a parent’s anxiety and will learn to “awfulize” negative events.
Never do for a child what he can do for himself. Let your baby experience frustration about handling play tasks without interference. Appropriate frustration teaches self-reliance.
Get your baby involved with other children and adults. Don’t worry if your baby is cautious at first. Keep exposing him to new social situations.
If you drop your child off at a day-care center or baby-sitter, promptly leave. Don’t get caught up in worrying about any emotional fallout that your baby might experience.
If you are married or have a partner, make sure that your connection does not get short-changed because of the baby. You need to have alone-time, so hire a baby sitter you trust.
Your partner needs to be involved in every aspect of your baby’s care. If he is unwilling, he should seek counseling to address the issue. It is that important.
Displaying affection to your baby is critical. Put your negative energy aside, and have fun with your baby. Make mundane experiences like changing a diaper a playful event.
Surround your child with stimulating toys, games, dolls and activities. Take your baby to the zoo, ball-games, art fairs, and social events.
Read to your child often, and play soft, soothing music for comfort.
Read up on child-care topics to develop self-confidence and choose your pediatrician wisely.
Remember that parenting is an art, and that mistakes will be made. As the Good Book says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”

Babies will bond with others when they are given the freedom to do so. Don’t get so caught up in “stranger danger” that you inhibit your child from learning ways to connect with others.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. The book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.

MOMS WHO HAVE THE BABY JITTERS

Although I personally have never given birth to a baby, I have “heard” that it is not an easy task. At least that’s what my wife tells me, and I don’t question her assessment for a moment! It is a profoundly difficult event for a mother.

After the baby is born, how does a mother navigate the equally difficult task of parenting her new child? Even for those of us who have studied child development, or the art of parenting, what plan of action is necessary to make sure that a child is nurtured and cared for without undue anxiousness and stress on the part of the mother?

Often, a mother who is anxious about parenting will over-function by be overly-protective. A mother who lacks confidence will display her tentativeness with her baby in many ways. A mother may withhold the baby from other children, adults, and social situations outside of the home. Withholding the child from other potential caretakers, such as relatives, day-care programs, and friends may also pose a problem. Often, a mother may over-react to a baby’s symptoms or illnesses through repeated visits to the doctor’s office. Another potential problem may be protecting the baby from exploring his environment and developing natural curiosity. The jitters may show when a mother is excessively reactive to her child if the baby cries or sustains a minor injury. A tentative mother may be afraid to establish logical consequences for a toddler when she misbehaves. Being overly-emotionally attached to the baby or displaying the opposite pattern of detachment can create problems. There are also those mothers who avoid delegating responsibilities to significant others. There may be the jitters about the perception “that others can’t manage my child as well as I can.”

Most of these problems can be alleviated if you have appropriate support. For example:

How much emotional and practical support do you receive from your partner? Telling your partner (if you have one) what you need and want from him in terms of caretaking is important.
Are you giving yourself time for your own personal needs, interests and desires apart from your baby? Carving out time for yourself is important to maintaining a strong sense of self and rejuvenating your emotional battery.
Do you lean on parents, friends, or neighbors to assist you in the parenting of your child?
Do you have a quality pediatrician who will answer your questions and return your calls without making you feel neurotic? The choice of doctors is important in making you and your baby feel secure.

It is not unusual that I find a process of triangulation established when a baby becomes the buffer for a couple’s relationship that is strained. This unnecessary stress may cause a mother to cling co-dependently to her child in order to get her needs met. This pattern is unhealthy for the entire family. I recommend couples counseling in order to promote relationship harmony and unlock partners from this damaging interactional pattern.

The concept that “it takes a village to raise a child” is not far from the truth. Young children need the support of the entire family community. If the family is broken due to strained relationships, fix it for the well-being of your baby. You and your child will need parenting, nurturing, coaching, encouragement, and a host of mentors along the path of your child’s development. There is no need to have the parental jitters if you can utilize all the resources of the village.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. The book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.

HOW TO MANAGE OUR HARD-WIRED YOUTH

A friend of mine who is a high school English teacher in our local schools has been perplexed by the behavior of some of her current students. She said, "Help me understand why a third of my students can't sit still in their desks? They wiggle, they squirm, they tap their pencils and their feet and are constantly in motion." She is experiencing a dose of today's "hard-wired" youngsters.

Although some of this student behavior is developmentally appropriate, our society has rapidly experienced a metamorphosis that fosters and perpetuates the kind of fidgety behavior that my teacher friend is observing. Our fast-paced, complex culture places stress and strain on all of us. Many times our children feel overwhelmed by the "juggling act" that is performed in trying to keep their lives in balance.

What are some of the factors that create an environment of overstimulation and hyperactivity among our young people? Some clinicians in the field of behavioral health suggest that Attention Deficit Disorder accounts for most of our restlessness in children. However, many of our hyperactive students do not meet the criteria for ADHD. I believe that children are suffering from agitation, restlessness and hyperactivity due to other situational factors.

What is it about our culture that contributes to the restlessness experienced by our youth?
Violent lightening fast-paced movies and videos. I believe that students who are consistently immersed in watching movies and videos filled with acts of violence are much more susceptible to restless agitation. Many children are unable to detach themselves from the overstimulation of violent behavior in the media. As they absorb multiple acts of violent sociopathic behavior, they are unable to process and disengage from the material without it affecting their current behavior.
Excessive use of video games and computers. Many children become obsessively connected to electronic gadgetry and it may have a direct link to the quality of their mood, level of concentration, and quality of sleep. Some children use the electronic media as a means for avoiding more meaningful activity such as socialization with age mates. Electronic stimulation may be referred to as the "companion symptom." Children can carry it around like a friend and the activity takes on a life of its own.
· Loud, hard-wired music. Have you ever pulled up next to a car that was blasting the radio playing heavy metal or rap music? Did it sound like they were having a peaceful experience? Children are not always aware of the affects that certain styles of music can have on the sympathetic nervous system. These children may complain of irritability, moodiness and agitation as a result of this exposure.
· The problem of over-scheduling activity. Many children are unable to find a balance between creative free time and structured activity. Although karate and dance lessons may be important, children need time to play creatively. This may include artistic activity, hiking, camping, cycling, playing board games or doing nothing. The excessive activity level of many students makes it difficult for them to complete school responsibilities, such as homework, creating unnecessary stress and anxiety. Parents may perpetuate the problem by insisting that their children "stay on the move" at all times. Excessive preoccupation with activity creates overstimulation. How many birthday parties does your child need to attend before you say, "enough is enough?"

Several years ago my wife and I toured the nation of Israel with her family. I recall being in the mountainous village of Safed that is home to an artist colony. I remember a young boy who was using an easel to draw some ancient ruins. He looked serene and content. I asked him if I could take his picture and he agreed. He smiled and I snapped the image. I think it was his innocence and creativity that sparked me to want that image. I mentioned the encounter with our tour guide and he replied by saying, "The entrepreneurs in America have ruined a whole generation of children with their electronic gadgetry." Although his point is overstated, his premise is accurate.

As parents, it is important to guide your children in setting reasonable limits regarding exposure to the media and activity. This can be accomplished by monitoring your children's level of electronic exposure and degree and quality of structured activity. Parents can help their children develop an awareness and appreciation for the connection between excessive media stimulation and over- involvement in activity and the symptoms of irritability, agitation, and hyperactivity that may develop.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.

THE ART OF PARENTING

Parenting is an art. There are no manuals to give us all the answers. Sometimes we learn through trial and error. The key for parents is to not continue doing the same things repeatedly that don't work. Try a different approach. Remember that mistakes are a necessary function of change. The goal of parenting is to help your children develop a sense of autonomy. Teaching them to be self-directed and responsible means that one must learn not to underfunction or overfunction as a parent. Underfunctioning or being an "absent parent" leaves a child feeling alone without support. The lack of encouragement, nurturing, and affirmation can have a detrimental impact on a child's current behavior.

Many parents overfunction in the process of parenting. They get overly involved in every aspect of their child's life. They vicariously live their lives through their children. I always tell my parents, "Never do for a child what he can do for himself." Children learn to manipulate overfunctioning parents to get what they want. Since overfuntioning parents fear the disapproval of their children, they cater and give in to their wants and needs even if they are unreasonable requests. Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapist used to remark, "Kids need to be appropriately frustrated." What he meant was that overparenting creates an environment whereby children do not learn the skills necessary for self-regulation. Sometimes we need to let our kids figure things out without interference.

Parents often tend to parent the way they were disciplined. This may involve some archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today's world with children. For parents, this may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes a parent will swallow the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. As parents we need to get in touch with the kid within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn't fun, then we need to grieve it and vow to make things different for our own children. If our "inner parent" is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectations for our children. The inner critic is full or moral injunctions and is the judge and jury of our behavior. Parents need to get in touch with the critic, understand its contents and then detach from the oughts, musts and shoulds. Parents will want to rationally respond to the inner critic with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process will assist in clearing up the "muddy water" when it comes to coaching and advising our children.

In parenting, using positive reinforcement when your child gets things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child to do something for you. Asking kids to make value judgments about choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, "Is what you're doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from the teacher?" Do not accept excuses, such as I hate this teacher, or I forgot to do some assignments. State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making him accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or with a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how he will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat detached and persistent. Remember, parenting is an art.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer for familyresource.com, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.