10 Insights to Help Couples Resolve Conflict

Many couples get caught up in arguing over the typical problems that plague relationships. A list of topics that couples encounter is actually quite simple. Couples feud over finances, household tasks, in-laws, parenting issues, lack of trust and so on.

Partners tend to play out a relationship dance as their way of managing the stress associated with the aforementioned themes. They will press the play button and chronically create the same interactional pattern of behavior. The conflict generally takes on a life of its own and leads to a heightened state of reactivity or passivity. One partner may be visibly angry, while the other mate shuts down and distances from the conflict.

It is not unusual for partners to become aggressive or fluctuate to the other extreme by passively pretending that the conflict does not exist. In their denial they may say, "I don't know what our problem is; I don’t see it because we never seemed to argue."

Continuous silence and avoidance are not impressive qualities of a healthy relationship. Learning how to fight appropriately is an integral part of promoting understanding among couples. Assertive, honest communication involves sharing intense feelings that validate a partner’s concerns. Couples must learn to feel safe enough in a relationship to allow for the expression of difficult thoughts and feelings. Here are some insights that may assist couples to fight more constructively and bring healing to their relationships:

• Recognize that some conflict is inevitable, an avoidable by-product of any meaningful relationship.
• Learn to respond rather than react. Reactivity is borne out of stress and anxiety. Promote understanding in the relationship by remaining calm, listening carefully and asking your partner questions for clarification.
• It's perfectly acceptable and understandable to disagree, at times. You don't always have to be right! Accept and respect differences in your partner's opinions.
• Listen carefully to each other without making value judgments. Respect differences in perspective.
• Avoid getting defensive and intent on justifying your point of view.
• Avoid shutting the conversation down unless you sense you're navigating a slippery slope and need a time out. Mutually decide when to resume conflict resolution toward closure.
• Stressors, including unresolved family-of-origin issues, can affect current communications. Recognize the stressors, acknowledge them to your partner and refrain from using them as psychological weapons.
• Avoid manipulating your partner, by bringing up issues involving family history. This pattern only exacerbates reactivity and defensiveness.
• If you get off track in your communications and you feel unsafe, call a truce and resume your discussion later.
• Reinforce one another when you are successful at processing conflict into closure.

Communicating through conflict takes courage, patience and perseverance. Remember, that conflict is inevitable, and that one’s style of relating may affect the outcome. Unfortunately, temporary hurt is often the byproduct of honest, forthright communicating. However, if couples can learn to make their point in a kind, considerate manner, that will help foster successful conflict resolution and heal troublesome emotional scars.

Filling the Feeling of Boredom with Meaning

Several decades ago, I was privileged to attend a presentation in the Chicago area held by psychiatrist Victor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl's family members were the unfortunate victims of the Holocaust during Nazi Germany's reign in Europe. His family was killed, but he spent years in a concentration camp and survived. Frankl's foundation for therapy was based on his experience and desire to see his patients develop a sense of meaning and purpose for their lives. I recall him saying, "When everything was taken away from me, all I had left was my attitude about was happening; I made a conscious choice not to be bitter."

Often I deal with people who claim they're bored with life. They complain incessantly about their relationships, prior history, level of activity, children and the vacuum that they feel within. There is no sense of direction or structure to their lives. Often, they turn to various forms of self-medicating or chronic activity to fill the void. Also, they may tend to derive their feeble sense of satisfaction from being an extension of other people's lives. They have an exaggerated need to control or "fix others" and idealize about those who appear to have their lives in order. They're fascinated by "heroes" and elevate them at the expense of their own self-identity.

There are little ways for all of us to find meaning and purpose for our life by becoming less self-absorbed. In the process of genuine involvement or sharing, it is important to remember that meaning is derived from what we accomplish, not because others choose to reciprocate. Sometimes the right thing to do is to be compassionate to others, whether they appreciated it or not. Finding meaning and purpose is about our responsibility, not how others react to us.

It is important to do the right thing because it makes us feel grateful, empowered and creates integrity. There are many ways all us can feel connected to the larger global community. Here are some examples:

• Attend worship services and pray for the needs of others.
• Treat people that annoy you with respect.
• Volunteer time and service to community agencies, such as libraries, nursing homes and political organizations.
• Give charitable donations to relief projects.
• Give to the needs of those that are less fortunate.
• Learn to be tolerant of other people's perspectives that vary from your own.
• Donate to breast cancer walks and other promotions for serious illnesses.

It is important to get your thinking in perspective. Look around you and then ask yourself, "How bad do I really have it?" If you're whining or complaining, you may need a dose of reality by connecting with those who are vulnerable and less fortunate. Remember, doing good deeds is about deriving meaning, not focusing on the reactions and responses of others. Those who are involved in helping others and give graciously will find a sense of joy, purpose and satisfaction they never thought possible. All we have left when all is said and done is the content of our character and the quality of the relationships that we leave behind.