Those who work in the field of healthcare have known for some time that a connection exists between our underlying beliefs and thoughts and the functioning of our bodies. Dr. Herbert Benson, in his 1970’s landmark book, The Relaxation Response, articulated the concept that stressors can trigger a “fight or flight response”, an inner startle response that indicates we are about to experience an unpleasant event. Although there is a healthy fear that protects us from harms way, many times how one interprets stressful events and one’s ability to manage it, can affect the immune systems functional capacity. There is now sufficient research to validate Benson’s work, that relaxation techniques such a meditation, can have a direct link to minimizing the effect of a wide range of disorders such as high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, back problems, neurological pain, and headache problems. Relaxation strategies calm the sympathetic nervous system, making it easier for the body to heal.
In Barbara Levine’s book, Your Body Believes Every Word You Say, she explores how our thoughts and underlying beliefs about our physical maladies affect our auto-immune system which regulates our ability to ward off illness, manage pain, and promote healing. In other words, legitimate pain from various illnesses and somatic complaints can be intensified by the kind of messages we tell ourselves. Spontaneous self-defeating thoughts such as, “What’s the use, my body will always betray me and never get better.” can reinforce the pain cycle of making things worse. People with such chronic self-defeating reactions have been shown to create inner chemical changes and constricted blood flow which further erodes the individual’s ability to manage pain. How we respond to our bodily disorders, in terms of core beliefs and inner dialogue, may affect the outcome of our health.
Some time ago, I attended a presentation by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck. He talked with mental health providers about his struggles with neck pain, a problem that had plagued him for years. An operation resolved some of his pain, but he felt that there might be some negative underlying belief that was also contributing to the problem. He ultimately concluded that he was a conflict-avoider, lacking the ability to appropriately assert himself, refusing to “stick his neck out.”
Physical illnesses can be intensified by self-defeating underlying thinking that is a metaphor for the chronic condition experienced. For example, people with back pain may at times lack the “backbone” to express their thoughts and feelings courageously. Individuals with gastrointestinal problems may not be unable to “stomach” certain intolerable thoughts and feelings. People with headache syndromes may experience beliefs and thoughts about events that make them want to say, “Life is making my head hurt.” Eating disordered people may experience core assumptions such as, “I’m so angry that I could just vomit, or if I monitor my weight and eating habits, at least it’s one area in my life that I can control!” People with neurological pain such as inner ear disorders may exacerbate their pain by experiencing thoughts of panic such as, “Oh my God, here it comes again, that nasty, annoying pain. I’ll never get over this because the volume in my life is turned up too high.”
Anxiety, panic, and depression are typical characteristics associated with physical pain. The more effectively one manages these symptoms, the less troublesome the pain may be. Learning to cope with anticipatory anxiety by rationally responding, “Ok, I know that this pain can be troublesome, but when it comes I will do my deep breathing and manage just fine!”, or dealing with panic, “When a wave of pain comes, I’ll just go with it. It’s not a big deal, my scary feeling are time-limited, they’ll be over soon”), and managing depression, “Just because I feel awful doesn’t mean I can’t do things to stay active and make me feel involved” are important ways of adaptively responding to pain.
The following ideas are some guidelines for managing pain more effectively:
· Try to get you pain in perspective. Make a realistic appraisal. “In the scheme of things, how bad is my condition?”
· Don’t fight with your symptoms, it only makes them worse. The more you accept your symptoms, the more they are likely to diminish.
· Use various activities to refocus away from your pain. Dwelling on pain makes it more painful. Stretching, music, swimming, meditation, and other activities are important.
· Seek a multidisciplinary approach to your problem, if necessary. Get a team of healthcare specialists, including a quality physician, psychotherapist, physical therapist, message therapist or other providers of pain management.
· Develop a solid support system of family and friends. Also, there are many support groups in our community for people suffering from a variety of physical ailments.
· Remember, that the things we tell ourselves have an impact on our physical and emotional well-being.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.booklocker.com/. He can be reached through his website at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
WHY GROWN MEN DON'T EAT QUICHE OR GO TO COUNSELING
It has been my experience that many men have an underlying set of beliefs that run counter to the notion of pursuing personal counseling. What is it that makes many adult males experience an adverse reaction to the concept of counseling? What holds men back from a process that has the potential to provide support, nurturing and emotional healing?
I believe that men have a cultural and primal predisposition that mitigates against the vulnerability necessary for seeking therapy. The primal instinct of men and male animals in general, has been to seek power, dominate their environment, and to take care of one’s family. This instinctual pattern calls on men to protect and defend. They are the warriors, providing safety and support for their nest.
The “warrior complex” carries over to the way we view men in relation to military service. Men are culturally conditioned to be fighters. They learn at an early age that commitment and self-sacrifice in defending the well-being of one’s community is a noble endeavor. A man’s psychic energy is directed toward the need to protect others from harm – the fight and flight response works on automatic pilot.
As men have been raised in our military/industrial milieu, they have learned basic assumptions about life that promote bravery, strength and courage as all important attributes. There is no room for vulnerability – it is viewed as a sign of weakness and cowardliness not courage.
What are some of the assumptions that men absorb that shape their worldview?
Fighting is the best way to handle conflict.
Anger and rage are the only emotions that are acceptable.
Expressing fear, hurt or sadness is a sign of emotional weakness.
Fixing problems is a primary role for men.
Life is always linear, easy to understand and logical.
Deep feelings are not to be trusted.
Decision-making must always be a rational process, never based on trusting one’s instincts.
Denial, avoidance and deflecting are the best coping mechanisms.
Caretaking for others is more important than taking care of oneself.
If men are the warriors, the protectors or the strong one’s projecting their sense of “machismo,” how do we get men to entertain the concept of attending counseling?
By helping them to reframe their thinking. Getting help is a sign of strength and courage.
Reminding them of celebrities such as Terry Bradshaw who have shared their stories of emotional pain and treatment.
Going to counseling with a partner as a means of introducing them to the counseling process.
Suggesting that men consider attending a men’s retreat to develop a sense of male bonding.
Suggesting a male counselor who has experience in dealing with reluctant clients.
Humans cannot function on the emotional “high road” indefinitely. Invariably, the psychological machinery breaks down and our “dusty corners” are exposed. Witness the battle scars of those men who have valiantly served in the military but suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder and other emotional syndromes.
Eventually, the “toothpaste must come out of the tube.” The dark-side of each of us will be evident for all to see. Behaviors may deteriorate and emotional symptoms may accumulate. It is inevitable; the darkness will manifest itself in some way.
Men are typically not good at accepting the vulnerability which comes over time. But the psychic pain associated with trying to stay in control may overshadow the “self.” It is at this point that a man must ask, “Do I stay in an impasse filled with conflict and pain or do I seek the support and assistance of others who may have the wisdom to see me through the wilderness?” When the pain is too great and we are feeling most vulnerable, it is time for men to reframe their thinking and move in a direction that goes against the tide of their cultural heritage. It is time to give oneself permission to be vulnerable. Helping a man to see this truth may take a significant degree of encouragement from others.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. Hear his interview with Coach Lee on www.365daysofcoaching.com.regarding the topic of “courage and fear work together.” James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
I believe that men have a cultural and primal predisposition that mitigates against the vulnerability necessary for seeking therapy. The primal instinct of men and male animals in general, has been to seek power, dominate their environment, and to take care of one’s family. This instinctual pattern calls on men to protect and defend. They are the warriors, providing safety and support for their nest.
The “warrior complex” carries over to the way we view men in relation to military service. Men are culturally conditioned to be fighters. They learn at an early age that commitment and self-sacrifice in defending the well-being of one’s community is a noble endeavor. A man’s psychic energy is directed toward the need to protect others from harm – the fight and flight response works on automatic pilot.
As men have been raised in our military/industrial milieu, they have learned basic assumptions about life that promote bravery, strength and courage as all important attributes. There is no room for vulnerability – it is viewed as a sign of weakness and cowardliness not courage.
What are some of the assumptions that men absorb that shape their worldview?
Fighting is the best way to handle conflict.
Anger and rage are the only emotions that are acceptable.
Expressing fear, hurt or sadness is a sign of emotional weakness.
Fixing problems is a primary role for men.
Life is always linear, easy to understand and logical.
Deep feelings are not to be trusted.
Decision-making must always be a rational process, never based on trusting one’s instincts.
Denial, avoidance and deflecting are the best coping mechanisms.
Caretaking for others is more important than taking care of oneself.
If men are the warriors, the protectors or the strong one’s projecting their sense of “machismo,” how do we get men to entertain the concept of attending counseling?
By helping them to reframe their thinking. Getting help is a sign of strength and courage.
Reminding them of celebrities such as Terry Bradshaw who have shared their stories of emotional pain and treatment.
Going to counseling with a partner as a means of introducing them to the counseling process.
Suggesting that men consider attending a men’s retreat to develop a sense of male bonding.
Suggesting a male counselor who has experience in dealing with reluctant clients.
Humans cannot function on the emotional “high road” indefinitely. Invariably, the psychological machinery breaks down and our “dusty corners” are exposed. Witness the battle scars of those men who have valiantly served in the military but suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder and other emotional syndromes.
Eventually, the “toothpaste must come out of the tube.” The dark-side of each of us will be evident for all to see. Behaviors may deteriorate and emotional symptoms may accumulate. It is inevitable; the darkness will manifest itself in some way.
Men are typically not good at accepting the vulnerability which comes over time. But the psychic pain associated with trying to stay in control may overshadow the “self.” It is at this point that a man must ask, “Do I stay in an impasse filled with conflict and pain or do I seek the support and assistance of others who may have the wisdom to see me through the wilderness?” When the pain is too great and we are feeling most vulnerable, it is time for men to reframe their thinking and move in a direction that goes against the tide of their cultural heritage. It is time to give oneself permission to be vulnerable. Helping a man to see this truth may take a significant degree of encouragement from others.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. Hear his interview with Coach Lee on www.365daysofcoaching.com.regarding the topic of “courage and fear work together.” James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
IS THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT "RIGHT"?
During my undergraduate years in college, I served as student coordinator for Campus Crusade for Christ. At the peak of the Vietnam War and political protests, I participated in a faith-based initiative on the campus of the University of California at Berkeley. The campus was in turmoil at that time due to the firing of the college president, Clark Kerr. We had many speakers involved in our spiritual thrust, including the Reverend Billy Graham. The week-long theme was, “Jesus, the Revolutionary.” I was taken back by the interest that many students demonstrated as they carried signs reading, “Jesus Yes, Christianity No.” The students were open to the teachings of Jesus but were less enthusiastic and rejected many of the values associated with a traditional Christian world-view.
As I conversed with many Berkeley students, I found them to be spiritually open-minded, thoughtful and reflective. These students shared an ideological perspective that was compatible with my own. I found the students to be more spiritually mature than those from the Midwestern University where I attended. My own university school-mates were more interested in what fraternity or sorority they would join as opposed to contemplating in-depth issues regarding the meaning of life.
My week-long exposure at Berkeley got me thinking. Was it true that Jesus really was the revolutionary figure of His time? I concluded that if He were present on this earth today, He would be dismayed by the brand of Christianity professed by many who seek to follow in His footsteps.
Jesus’ teachings and lifestyle went against the grain of the religious establishment of His day. As one reads the Gospel accounts, one is struck by the extent to which He contradicted those who held the religious power of His time. When the religious leaders hid behind their scriptural literalness, He rebuked them for missing spiritual insights. When He was challenged about breaking the religious rules, He proclaimed that the rules were made to aid people, not trap them. When the religious power-brokers accused Jesus of hob-knobbing with the whores, He dismissed their insensitivity for neglecting the poor and down-trodden. He accused the religious establishment of criticizing the sins of others while refusing to “see the log in their own eye.” Jesus reminded the Scribes and Pharisees that the Bible was meant to be a scriptural account which would point people to the Lord. It was not meant to be a guidebook used as a pretense to personal piety. In (John 5:39) Jesus said to the religious leaders, “You search the scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. But the scriptures point to me.” (New-living translation).
Like the religious leaders of Jesus’ time, today’s Christian Right:
1. Displays rigidity in their interpretations of scripture, rejecting any differences in perspective as “going against God’s will.”
2. Pontificates about the obvious “sins of the flesh” such as drinking and sexual indiscretion while ignoring the other more subtle “sins of the spirit” such as pride, greed, envy and jealousy. This convenient diversion tends to take responsibility away from the more egregious sins of the spirit which we all commit.
3. Places more emphasis on a conservative political agenda rather than their religious beliefs. From a religious perspective, Mitt Romney’s beliefs are antithetical to those of the Christian Right. However, his political ideology is compatible with the Christian Right and most of the religious differences will soon be forgotten as he continues his candidacy for President.
4. Demonstrates a sense of false piety and over-spiritualizes reality. The third Biblical commandment indicates that we should “not use the Lord’s name in vain.” This is called blasphemy. Many of the Christian Right are convinced that this is a commandment about swearing. Although swearing is not desirable, this commandment is broader in scope. The context of the commandment refers to using religious language as a pretense to pious behavior. More specifically, the commandment addresses those who incessantly try to impress others with their overbearing religiosity by over-spiritualizing life. This includes chronically over-used verbiage such as, “It’s the Lord’s will” and those who say, “Praise the Lord,” in every other sentence. God’s name is to be revered, not used lightly in a blasphemous manner.
5. Has an immature concept of God. James Fowler, theologian and author, illuminates this issue in his book, Stages of Faith. Those who embrace an infantile faith appear to view God as the “Cop in the sky” who punishes those who are not obedient to His every command. In my opinion there is a difference between child-like faith and childish faith. Cooperating with God is a more mature way of defining our relationship with the Lord.
6. Uses the Bible as a vehicle for defending their position on many subjects. Like the religious establishment of Jesus’ day, the scriptures are interpreted in a preconceived manner to fit the believer’s convictions. By being overly-literal, the translation is lost for practical everyday living.
The way the Christian Right operationalizes its beliefs reminds me of the religious leaders of Jesus’ day. Those beliefs and behaviors are what He challenged the religious establishment to transcend. It was not the “letter of the law,” but the “spirit of the law” that He emphasized. The spirit of the law represents acceptance, tolerance, love, open-mindedness and personal responsibility. This is the spiritual revolution that we students were talking about so many years ago at Berkeley.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. Are you in the bubble or have you stepped out? See http://www.booklocker.com/. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
HOW TO FEEL GOOD WITHOUT TRYING SO HARD
Most people want to feel good, but they may hinder their efforts in creating a sense of well-being. In their desire to feel better, individuals assume that they must try harder to create happiness. “Avis, we try harder” characterizes their mantra. Unfortunately, those who strive to feel better, often end up defeating their own purposes.
When it comes to emotional balance, setting the expectation bar too high, excessively pushing oneself, and feeling a need to be in control of all of life’s circumstances can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety. Learning assumptions related to “the law of reverse effort” are important to living a peaceful existence. This calls to recognition the concept of mindfulness, the Eastern philosophy for staying in present experience.
Often, people associate mindfulness with inactivity or passivity although quite the opposite is true. Mindfulness is a proactive process filled with energy and conscious learning. We must take our journey “down stream” rather than continuously striving to force change. We must learn to let things be the way they are.
Often, we view life as a challenging chess game to be mastered. We will talk about doing things the “right” way, fearing and anticipating mistake-making. We may fear that if we were to lose control, our world would collapse like a house of cards. We may fight to stay in control and yet experience the feeling of being out of control. Our personality may be so tightly wound that pulling one string from the ball of yarn may make the sufferer feel like everything is unraveling.
To feel good, we must transform certain underlying assumptions that affect our state of mind:
Cease trying to please everybody because it is impossible.
Give up trying to control every situation because it is unrealistic.
Learn to set limits and back off from performing to get approval from others.
Find inner-validation rather than seeking it from others.
Welcome new challenges and risks and refuse to fear rejection and mistake-making.
Give up the notion that there is a “right” way to do everything.
Life is a series of problems to be solved, not a competitive game requiring closure.
Remove our narrow concept of success. After all, what do we want to be remembered for when we are no longer around? Do we want to be remembered for our exemplary performance or the quality of our character?
Remember that showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but of courage.
Replace our either/or thinking; either I must be totally in control of matters or I will be completely out of control.
Forgive ourselves for our past and refuse to anxiously anticipate the future.
Feeling good involves untwisting negative thinking based upon the assumptions listed above. Often, this process does not happen until we “bottom out” with depression and anxiety. We can’t get out of the trap until we sink into it. Overcoming by yielding is the key to our escape from unhappiness. Learning to be kind to ourselves takes practice. It requires a concerted effort to transform our thinking and behavior so that we learn to self- nurture. Unlearning old habits is not easy. However, learning to feel good without trying so hard is worth it.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
When it comes to emotional balance, setting the expectation bar too high, excessively pushing oneself, and feeling a need to be in control of all of life’s circumstances can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety. Learning assumptions related to “the law of reverse effort” are important to living a peaceful existence. This calls to recognition the concept of mindfulness, the Eastern philosophy for staying in present experience.
Often, people associate mindfulness with inactivity or passivity although quite the opposite is true. Mindfulness is a proactive process filled with energy and conscious learning. We must take our journey “down stream” rather than continuously striving to force change. We must learn to let things be the way they are.
Often, we view life as a challenging chess game to be mastered. We will talk about doing things the “right” way, fearing and anticipating mistake-making. We may fear that if we were to lose control, our world would collapse like a house of cards. We may fight to stay in control and yet experience the feeling of being out of control. Our personality may be so tightly wound that pulling one string from the ball of yarn may make the sufferer feel like everything is unraveling.
To feel good, we must transform certain underlying assumptions that affect our state of mind:
Cease trying to please everybody because it is impossible.
Give up trying to control every situation because it is unrealistic.
Learn to set limits and back off from performing to get approval from others.
Find inner-validation rather than seeking it from others.
Welcome new challenges and risks and refuse to fear rejection and mistake-making.
Give up the notion that there is a “right” way to do everything.
Life is a series of problems to be solved, not a competitive game requiring closure.
Remove our narrow concept of success. After all, what do we want to be remembered for when we are no longer around? Do we want to be remembered for our exemplary performance or the quality of our character?
Remember that showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but of courage.
Replace our either/or thinking; either I must be totally in control of matters or I will be completely out of control.
Forgive ourselves for our past and refuse to anxiously anticipate the future.
Feeling good involves untwisting negative thinking based upon the assumptions listed above. Often, this process does not happen until we “bottom out” with depression and anxiety. We can’t get out of the trap until we sink into it. Overcoming by yielding is the key to our escape from unhappiness. Learning to be kind to ourselves takes practice. It requires a concerted effort to transform our thinking and behavior so that we learn to self- nurture. Unlearning old habits is not easy. However, learning to feel good without trying so hard is worth it.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
FORGIVE ME GOD - THERE WILL BE POTHOLES IN MY LEGACY
As we unravel the fabric of our personal story, we are left with a mixed bag. This is the time for a spiritual guy like me to come clean – to make amends for unruly behavior. The urgency to make things right stems from an aging process that leaves me feeling vulnerable when I look at the landscape of my life. I need closure from the times in my life when I “missed the mark.”
My children have heard my “sordid” stories because I used them as teachable moments for behaviors to avoid. I typically tried to provide “real-life” stories about my misdeeds and those of others as a way of promoting character-building qualities. This concept failed quite miserably, because my kids followed in my footsteps anyway.
When I was a young teenager, my parents departed for a business trip. I was left behind in the care of my older brother. Like most teenagers, I yearned for the day that I would turn sixteen so that I could move through the rite-of-passage of getting behind the wheel of an automobile. For me, that day didn’t come fast enough and those keys hanging near the front door presented a serious temptation. Without considering consequences (a typical problem for kids), I took off on a joy ride with my friend Chrissie. I was feeling very adult-like until we cruised through a neighboring town as a police officer was traveling toward me in the opposite direction. Chrissie spotted the cop and freaked out. I responded by over-turning onto a side street and nearly ending up in the front yard of a nearby house.
The officer spotted my brilliant move and pulled me over. After asking me the question I didn’t want to hear, “Son, can I see your license?” we were escorted to the local police station. My brother came to the station where we were released into his custody. “Wait until Mom and Dad get home,” Rick kept repeating. I wanted to hide under a rock and stay there indefinitely. I wrote a long “how could I have done this” letter prior to my parents return. I even included various punishment options within the letter’s body. When my parents returned home they received the news from my brother. Although they were not as angry as I expected, they indicated that I was to appear in court to respond to my behavior. I remember that fateful day when my father and I made our way to the county courthouse where I was vigorously lectured by the judge and then released to my father because I said that I would never to stupid tricks again.
Chrissie was a chatter-box, so the news of our adventure permeated the halls of our high school. We instantly became risk-taking, law-breaking heroes. It is interesting how teenagers can reframe things and make behaviors appear so awesome, even back in the days of my youth. I still have my high school yearbook which is full of quips about the “adventure,” “the ride,” and the good-natured teasing about my anti-social behavior.
That same school year, I took Latin because my parents thought it would help me with all those long medical terms. For some inexplicable reason, my Latin class was inhabited by all the “jocks” from every imaginable sport (no girls allowed). Things were complicated by the fact that the teacher was a first year rookie who was also the head cross-country coach. Mr. P. was known by many in the class for his coaching skills. No classroom introductions were necessary. The class period was split due to a lunch period which was squeezed into the middle of Latin.
The split-class option with lunch posed various sneaky “boys will be boys” possibilities. We brought red Jell-O back from lunch and conveniently placed it on page thirty two of Tony P.’s Latin book. I think this translation page was about Caesar’s Gallic wars. I remember Mr. P. retorting in his nasal tone, “Boys, your not being very funny at all.” On another occasion, we tortured our poor teacher by taking the onions out of our hamburgers and putting them in the radiator of the classroom before he arrived. Then we waited… As the aroma permeated the air, Mr. P. responded with, “Boys, I don’t think that was a very wise thing to do.” In spite of our antics, we actually formed a very positive relationship with Mr. P.
In the mid 1990’s, more than thirty years after the fact, I learned how potent a legacy I had left behind. At that time, I worked as Director of Guidance and Counseling for a midwestern high school. I was charged with the responsibility of helping formulate a new comprehensive guidance plan for our school. In order to accomplish the task, a colleague and I visited various exemplary school models throughout the state – one of them which happened to be my old alma mater. As I visited my school as an alumni, memories of my past began to envelope me. When we entered the counseling department office, we were greeted by retired counselors who were volunteering as part of their retirement package. When I mentioned my name and that I had attended the school decades ago, the gentleman laughed. The counselor replied, “We have heard of you and your antics along with some of your classmate’s behavior.” “Throughout the years, your story has repeatedly been mentioned by alumni and the Latin teacher.” I said, “This is quite amazing. “Is Tony still teaching here?” “He certainly is and you will find him in the teacher’s lounge.” the volunteer remarked.
As I entered the teacher’s lounge with my co-worker, I immediately sat down to have lunch. After we ate, I looked around the room to find Tony. I asked a teacher where he was sitting and as I moved toward his table I noticed the older version of my teacher. I introduced myself, but it was unnecessary. Tony grasped my arms and immediately began laughing. It was his last year of teaching and we sat at that table and he reminisced with his colleagues about a story that has touched so many lives.
Forgive me God – there will be potholes in my legacy! All of my memories constitute the nature of who I am. They remind me of my humanity and the ways in which I touched the lives of others for better or worse. I have one story. I don’t have the choice to take parts back. I just hope that in the end that I am appreciated for the sum total of all its parts.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
My children have heard my “sordid” stories because I used them as teachable moments for behaviors to avoid. I typically tried to provide “real-life” stories about my misdeeds and those of others as a way of promoting character-building qualities. This concept failed quite miserably, because my kids followed in my footsteps anyway.
When I was a young teenager, my parents departed for a business trip. I was left behind in the care of my older brother. Like most teenagers, I yearned for the day that I would turn sixteen so that I could move through the rite-of-passage of getting behind the wheel of an automobile. For me, that day didn’t come fast enough and those keys hanging near the front door presented a serious temptation. Without considering consequences (a typical problem for kids), I took off on a joy ride with my friend Chrissie. I was feeling very adult-like until we cruised through a neighboring town as a police officer was traveling toward me in the opposite direction. Chrissie spotted the cop and freaked out. I responded by over-turning onto a side street and nearly ending up in the front yard of a nearby house.
The officer spotted my brilliant move and pulled me over. After asking me the question I didn’t want to hear, “Son, can I see your license?” we were escorted to the local police station. My brother came to the station where we were released into his custody. “Wait until Mom and Dad get home,” Rick kept repeating. I wanted to hide under a rock and stay there indefinitely. I wrote a long “how could I have done this” letter prior to my parents return. I even included various punishment options within the letter’s body. When my parents returned home they received the news from my brother. Although they were not as angry as I expected, they indicated that I was to appear in court to respond to my behavior. I remember that fateful day when my father and I made our way to the county courthouse where I was vigorously lectured by the judge and then released to my father because I said that I would never to stupid tricks again.
Chrissie was a chatter-box, so the news of our adventure permeated the halls of our high school. We instantly became risk-taking, law-breaking heroes. It is interesting how teenagers can reframe things and make behaviors appear so awesome, even back in the days of my youth. I still have my high school yearbook which is full of quips about the “adventure,” “the ride,” and the good-natured teasing about my anti-social behavior.
That same school year, I took Latin because my parents thought it would help me with all those long medical terms. For some inexplicable reason, my Latin class was inhabited by all the “jocks” from every imaginable sport (no girls allowed). Things were complicated by the fact that the teacher was a first year rookie who was also the head cross-country coach. Mr. P. was known by many in the class for his coaching skills. No classroom introductions were necessary. The class period was split due to a lunch period which was squeezed into the middle of Latin.
The split-class option with lunch posed various sneaky “boys will be boys” possibilities. We brought red Jell-O back from lunch and conveniently placed it on page thirty two of Tony P.’s Latin book. I think this translation page was about Caesar’s Gallic wars. I remember Mr. P. retorting in his nasal tone, “Boys, your not being very funny at all.” On another occasion, we tortured our poor teacher by taking the onions out of our hamburgers and putting them in the radiator of the classroom before he arrived. Then we waited… As the aroma permeated the air, Mr. P. responded with, “Boys, I don’t think that was a very wise thing to do.” In spite of our antics, we actually formed a very positive relationship with Mr. P.
In the mid 1990’s, more than thirty years after the fact, I learned how potent a legacy I had left behind. At that time, I worked as Director of Guidance and Counseling for a midwestern high school. I was charged with the responsibility of helping formulate a new comprehensive guidance plan for our school. In order to accomplish the task, a colleague and I visited various exemplary school models throughout the state – one of them which happened to be my old alma mater. As I visited my school as an alumni, memories of my past began to envelope me. When we entered the counseling department office, we were greeted by retired counselors who were volunteering as part of their retirement package. When I mentioned my name and that I had attended the school decades ago, the gentleman laughed. The counselor replied, “We have heard of you and your antics along with some of your classmate’s behavior.” “Throughout the years, your story has repeatedly been mentioned by alumni and the Latin teacher.” I said, “This is quite amazing. “Is Tony still teaching here?” “He certainly is and you will find him in the teacher’s lounge.” the volunteer remarked.
As I entered the teacher’s lounge with my co-worker, I immediately sat down to have lunch. After we ate, I looked around the room to find Tony. I asked a teacher where he was sitting and as I moved toward his table I noticed the older version of my teacher. I introduced myself, but it was unnecessary. Tony grasped my arms and immediately began laughing. It was his last year of teaching and we sat at that table and he reminisced with his colleagues about a story that has touched so many lives.
Forgive me God – there will be potholes in my legacy! All of my memories constitute the nature of who I am. They remind me of my humanity and the ways in which I touched the lives of others for better or worse. I have one story. I don’t have the choice to take parts back. I just hope that in the end that I am appreciated for the sum total of all its parts.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Friday, April 13, 2007
THE ENERGY IS IN THE NAME
My name is James P. Krehbiel. One day my dear 92 year old mother called my business office. I can’t recollect what she wanted, but I knew that it had never happened before. I recall that Tammy, my business administrator, was working the switchboard at lunch and took the call. “Is Petey there?” my mother said. Tammy responded with, “We have no Petey that works in our office complex. “Oh yes you do,” my mother replied. “You have a Petey Krehbiel and he is my son.” Tammy, with a bit of laughter and eyes wide open said, “We know your son as James, but I will get your son Petey right away.” From that moment on, Tammy has referred to me by the name that nobody in my professional life had heard - Petey.
Names hold meaning, history, cherished values, and energy. They also may represent, in some symbolic way, the essence of our relationships. Names explain to other people who we are, but more importantly, they provide us with awareness as they distinguish us from others. Our names are reminders of the way we project ourselves to the world.
Maybe I have a split personality? James and Petey don’t carry the same energy. James is the softer, gentler, more professional side of me. Petey is the part of me that likes to take risks, gets feisty, and can be impulsive at times. I think these two energy systems actually compliment one another quite well. I actually believe that we all have various energy systems or subpersonalities that crystallize early in life as way of coping with the world.
Often, certain versions of a name may represent a parent’s desire to maintain their parenting rights. We have Markey, Bobby and Tommy. Unless you live in the South, these names represent a parent’s desire to cling to the connection of one’s child. I think that is why I call my adult son little Peter. Through the use of affectionate forms of a name, parents can sustain a sense of connectedness long after the children have left.
Isn’t it interesting how names can change when people leave one relationship for another? Recently, a woman told me that her first husband called her Barbara even though her family refers to her as Bobbi. Her first marriage was an abusive relationship that fortunately ended. When she remarried, her new husband followed the path of her ex-husband by also calling her Barbara. The energy fostered by that name was too sad and consequently she opted to have her new partner call her the name that characterized the best of her history - Bobbi.
Sometimes names can create embarrassment. People are prone to slips of the tongue and may call someone by the wrong name. To make matters worse, sometimes politicians make goofy comments using wrong names that cause them trouble with the media and adversaries. Have you ever called a friend by the wrong name, because you were too preoccupied? Even more debilitating, have you ever called your partner by another name during an intimate moment?
Did you every wonder why prospective parents spend so much time reviewing names prior to the arrival of a new baby? Names are powerful tools, like words. We want them to characterize our children in a positive light. It’s hard to take a name back, so it is important to get it right the first time. For parents, names are filled with all the hopes, dreams and aspirations for those we love.
There certainly are lots of names. There are trendy names, biblical ones, political names, “cutsy” names, and titles from yesteryear. It’s interesting that many of the names of our elderly are now in vogue! Some people select names based upon the meaning of the words. My daughter’s name Amy means “the beloved.” Her daughter’s name Malia means “peace” in Hawaiian.
Sometimes people hate their names, particularly their last names, and go to the courthouse to change them. Others are fascinated by their last names, and go to the library to search for clues to their family history. People, after divorce, may change their last names to remove any vestiges of negative energy from their past as they build a new beginning.
Our names will be connected to our legacy. People may not remember our professional lives, but hopefully they will remember our names and what we stood for. I like my names. My mother said her grandfather, James, was a kind and considerate man. I like that energy, so I will keep the name along with Petey, the little boy who liked to slide in the street playing a pick-up game of baseball.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available through www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Names hold meaning, history, cherished values, and energy. They also may represent, in some symbolic way, the essence of our relationships. Names explain to other people who we are, but more importantly, they provide us with awareness as they distinguish us from others. Our names are reminders of the way we project ourselves to the world.
Maybe I have a split personality? James and Petey don’t carry the same energy. James is the softer, gentler, more professional side of me. Petey is the part of me that likes to take risks, gets feisty, and can be impulsive at times. I think these two energy systems actually compliment one another quite well. I actually believe that we all have various energy systems or subpersonalities that crystallize early in life as way of coping with the world.
Often, certain versions of a name may represent a parent’s desire to maintain their parenting rights. We have Markey, Bobby and Tommy. Unless you live in the South, these names represent a parent’s desire to cling to the connection of one’s child. I think that is why I call my adult son little Peter. Through the use of affectionate forms of a name, parents can sustain a sense of connectedness long after the children have left.
Isn’t it interesting how names can change when people leave one relationship for another? Recently, a woman told me that her first husband called her Barbara even though her family refers to her as Bobbi. Her first marriage was an abusive relationship that fortunately ended. When she remarried, her new husband followed the path of her ex-husband by also calling her Barbara. The energy fostered by that name was too sad and consequently she opted to have her new partner call her the name that characterized the best of her history - Bobbi.
Sometimes names can create embarrassment. People are prone to slips of the tongue and may call someone by the wrong name. To make matters worse, sometimes politicians make goofy comments using wrong names that cause them trouble with the media and adversaries. Have you ever called a friend by the wrong name, because you were too preoccupied? Even more debilitating, have you ever called your partner by another name during an intimate moment?
Did you every wonder why prospective parents spend so much time reviewing names prior to the arrival of a new baby? Names are powerful tools, like words. We want them to characterize our children in a positive light. It’s hard to take a name back, so it is important to get it right the first time. For parents, names are filled with all the hopes, dreams and aspirations for those we love.
There certainly are lots of names. There are trendy names, biblical ones, political names, “cutsy” names, and titles from yesteryear. It’s interesting that many of the names of our elderly are now in vogue! Some people select names based upon the meaning of the words. My daughter’s name Amy means “the beloved.” Her daughter’s name Malia means “peace” in Hawaiian.
Sometimes people hate their names, particularly their last names, and go to the courthouse to change them. Others are fascinated by their last names, and go to the library to search for clues to their family history. People, after divorce, may change their last names to remove any vestiges of negative energy from their past as they build a new beginning.
Our names will be connected to our legacy. People may not remember our professional lives, but hopefully they will remember our names and what we stood for. I like my names. My mother said her grandfather, James, was a kind and considerate man. I like that energy, so I will keep the name along with Petey, the little boy who liked to slide in the street playing a pick-up game of baseball.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available through www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
IF THE EARRING FITS, WEAR IT
My personal experience has led me to propose a theory about the life-changing passages affecting my life and other men. Contrary to the writings of those who specialize in adult development, I believe that men are entitled to two mid-life crises rather than the one we all talk about. One transitional passage is not enough for most men. The second passage, not previously explored, allows my comrades to make necessary changes that were not resolved during the first crisis. According to my theory, the first mid-life crisis is designed to provide men with the opportunity to act like rebellious teenagers. It is an emotional transition which grants the experiencer a means for throwing aspects of his life overboard. As he plays with newly discovered toys, he sifts through the “why” of his life and determines what’s worth hanging onto. This existential process which involves reflecting on one’s meaning and purpose may result in dramatic life changes. People in a man’s way may be unintentionally hurt as he reflects on the psychological forces affecting his life.
The second, and milder crisis, is one that has been ignored by scholars who seek to understand human behavior. I call it the “cosmetic crisis.” As a man reaches his AARP years, he begins to get the hint that women are no longer looking at him in an endearing manner. He discovers that his physicians and clients look more like teenagers than adults. He comes to the conclusion that an older man can no longer gauge the age of other people. He finds that his short term memory begins to fade; and as he peers into a mirror, he has images of his parents looking a lot like him not too long ago. His body begins to fail as he finds himself peeing more often, sagging in unappealing places, gaining weight, and growing breasts along with hair in all the wrong places. His eyes appear puffy, his hairline recedes, and he struggles to get out of bed in the morning due to unusual aches and pains. The mid-life man begins to yearn for the days of his youth. He pulls out old pictures of himself which are reminders of his youthful potency. With desperation, he begins the grieving process over the loss of his youthful physical prowess.
These deteriorating changes in physical image ultimately lead to the emergence of the second mid-life crisis. Prior to my 60th birthday, I decided that I’d had enough. I needed a new me. I had seen an advertisement on television touting the benefits of “Hollywood hair.” As the infomercial explained, this was not a hair transplant, but a “hair system” consisting of real hair follicles. I became curious because I liked the idea of being able to make my hair look the way I wanted it to look. After much agonizing, I took the leap and decided to let the hairstylists remake me. My wife supported me in this passage and liked the finished product. She said she thought I looked too cute. My comment to her was, “So what did I look like before this project started?” My clients were somewhat confused because the blend looks pretty natural. Many would say, “I like your new hairdo.” When I told a few of my clients what I had done, they gave the look a thumbs-up.
My next goal was to compliment my new hair with an earring. Why not? I had remembered when my son purchased an earring and how I felt about it at the time. He wore it as he toured the country playing in drum and bugle corp. That way, I didn’t have to see it very often. Now it was my turn. I concluded that it is never too late to turn back the clock. But this venture took immense courage. I stalled for months as my wife kept encouraging me to get my ear pierced. I didn’t even know which ear was supposed to be pierced. My wife said, “If your straight, left ear, if you’re gay right ear.” “But what if you’re not sure? I told my wife.
Earring day finally arrived. We headed for Claire’s Boutique incognito. We went early because I was hoping that no one would be in the store other than the employees. I sheepishly told the clerk what I wanted and she told me sit in a stool which faced the window to the mall – so much for anonymity. To make matters worse, there were two ten year old girls in the store with a mother who wanted to see the “piercing procedure.” Both of these young ladies were contemplating getting their ears pierced and asked me if I would be their role model for this painful process. With eyes wide open, these two darling girls watched the pinching of my ear. I tried to be a big boy and act like it didn’t hurt.
My next mid-life hurdle was dealing with my children’s reaction as they had flown into Scottsdale for my 60th birthday. When my son first saw me, he cracked up. There are no words to express the look on his face. He proceeded to give me my payback for the browbeating I gave him about his adolescent experiment on his left ear. In desperation I exclaimed, “I can do anything I want, I’m 60 years old! My friend did a great job of convincing my 92 year old mother that my mental faculties are still intact. His support helped her to stop perseverating about my well-being.
Men, don’t forget the second mid-life crisis. Although human behavior experts don’t acknowledge this passage, you are entitled to it no matter what others may think. Remember, you can be innovative in recreating yourself cosmetically. It’s never too late to develop a new you.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
The second, and milder crisis, is one that has been ignored by scholars who seek to understand human behavior. I call it the “cosmetic crisis.” As a man reaches his AARP years, he begins to get the hint that women are no longer looking at him in an endearing manner. He discovers that his physicians and clients look more like teenagers than adults. He comes to the conclusion that an older man can no longer gauge the age of other people. He finds that his short term memory begins to fade; and as he peers into a mirror, he has images of his parents looking a lot like him not too long ago. His body begins to fail as he finds himself peeing more often, sagging in unappealing places, gaining weight, and growing breasts along with hair in all the wrong places. His eyes appear puffy, his hairline recedes, and he struggles to get out of bed in the morning due to unusual aches and pains. The mid-life man begins to yearn for the days of his youth. He pulls out old pictures of himself which are reminders of his youthful potency. With desperation, he begins the grieving process over the loss of his youthful physical prowess.
These deteriorating changes in physical image ultimately lead to the emergence of the second mid-life crisis. Prior to my 60th birthday, I decided that I’d had enough. I needed a new me. I had seen an advertisement on television touting the benefits of “Hollywood hair.” As the infomercial explained, this was not a hair transplant, but a “hair system” consisting of real hair follicles. I became curious because I liked the idea of being able to make my hair look the way I wanted it to look. After much agonizing, I took the leap and decided to let the hairstylists remake me. My wife supported me in this passage and liked the finished product. She said she thought I looked too cute. My comment to her was, “So what did I look like before this project started?” My clients were somewhat confused because the blend looks pretty natural. Many would say, “I like your new hairdo.” When I told a few of my clients what I had done, they gave the look a thumbs-up.
My next goal was to compliment my new hair with an earring. Why not? I had remembered when my son purchased an earring and how I felt about it at the time. He wore it as he toured the country playing in drum and bugle corp. That way, I didn’t have to see it very often. Now it was my turn. I concluded that it is never too late to turn back the clock. But this venture took immense courage. I stalled for months as my wife kept encouraging me to get my ear pierced. I didn’t even know which ear was supposed to be pierced. My wife said, “If your straight, left ear, if you’re gay right ear.” “But what if you’re not sure? I told my wife.
Earring day finally arrived. We headed for Claire’s Boutique incognito. We went early because I was hoping that no one would be in the store other than the employees. I sheepishly told the clerk what I wanted and she told me sit in a stool which faced the window to the mall – so much for anonymity. To make matters worse, there were two ten year old girls in the store with a mother who wanted to see the “piercing procedure.” Both of these young ladies were contemplating getting their ears pierced and asked me if I would be their role model for this painful process. With eyes wide open, these two darling girls watched the pinching of my ear. I tried to be a big boy and act like it didn’t hurt.
My next mid-life hurdle was dealing with my children’s reaction as they had flown into Scottsdale for my 60th birthday. When my son first saw me, he cracked up. There are no words to express the look on his face. He proceeded to give me my payback for the browbeating I gave him about his adolescent experiment on his left ear. In desperation I exclaimed, “I can do anything I want, I’m 60 years old! My friend did a great job of convincing my 92 year old mother that my mental faculties are still intact. His support helped her to stop perseverating about my well-being.
Men, don’t forget the second mid-life crisis. Although human behavior experts don’t acknowledge this passage, you are entitled to it no matter what others may think. Remember, you can be innovative in recreating yourself cosmetically. It’s never too late to develop a new you.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
IS AMERICA SLEEP WALKING THROUGH ITS POLITICAL ISSUES?
A patient of mine recently experienced an unusual problem. Apparently, she got out of bed in the middle of the night, walked outside into her garage and entered her sports car. She was changing her car clock when her partner, who was in a panic, located her in the car. My patient was awakened by her partner and was confused and bewildered as they left the garage to resume their evening’s sleep.
Sleep walking is not an unusual pattern. For many, it is an infrequent occurrence, but for others it is a lifelong experience. Recently, I have been wondering about the manner in which many of our citizens are “sleep walking” through the impact of our political landscape. As a society, we appear to be distracted and asleep at the wheel. It seems as if there is a chronic pathology among of our people characterized by naivety, indifference, and a lack of awareness to political and cultural issues.
I recall Jay Leno canvassing the streets of Los Angeles trying to find one American who could tell him how many Supreme Court justices serve on our highest bench and to identify one of their names. The responses were pathetic and called attention to the lack of political awareness of our citizenry. Recently, as my wife and I boarded a plane to return to Arizona, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was sitting in the third row of the plane. I was not aware of one on-coming passenger who seemed to recognize her or acknowledge her presence. When we deplaned and headed for the luggage area, while other passengers appeared to be oblivious to the relevance of the situation, I proceeded to introduce myself and carry on a brief conversation with her. As one of my 15 year old patients once said, “Why should I care about politics, I can’t change anything anyway.” Nevertheless, it is my belief that feeling powerless is never an excuse for sleeping through the political process.
Although I certainly respect and support our current troops deployed in Iraq and other locations, there is something quite disturbing about the false sense of patriotism displayed by Americans. For example, I believe many of us have trivialized the concept of war through the simplistic use of bumper stickers, ribbons and other insignias signifying troop support. What do these symbols really mean for most Americans? Are they true signs of patriotism by those who fully understand the impact and implications of our current war in Iraq? My brother, who was a Lieutenant and company commander in Viet Nam cringes at the naivety and lack of awareness that many Americans possess about the nature of terrorism, combat and military missions. Maybe if the military adopted a conscription policy, some Americans might rethink their form of patriotism? Maybe if they knew their own children would be subject to going off to Baghdad, they would reconsider the way they demonstrate their loyalty to our military efforts. You might recall what happened when the President tried to make nice with Congressman Jim Webb over the involvement of Mr. Webb’s son in the Iraq war. Congressman Webb bluntly told the President to mind his own business.
Americans tend to believe that if they project an image of patriotism, they are exempt from a deeper understanding of the implications of the war in Iraq. How many of our people are aware of how our wounded soldiers are being treated at Building #18 in Walter Reed Hospital? Do we understand that the hospital is under constant review for improper patient treatment and deplorable conditions? Are we aware that inpatient soldiers have complained about the unsanitary conditions at the hospital including rodents infesting the environment? How many in the Bush administration or Congress are aware of the conditions our soldiers are subjected to and do they care? Would any of us send our loved ones to heal in an environment like that? Is this how we support our troops? Shouldn’t we all be concerned about this issue? Instead we sleep walk through the military and political debate over the mission and purposes of the Iraq war. We believe that the political voices in Washington D.C. are more competent and convincing than our own. We take the easy way out from committing ourselves to being patriotic in the truest since of the word. We must walk the walk through political action, not words.
Will we sleep walk though the debate on global warming as our oil companies try to pay off researchers so they will reinterpret their findings to soften the implications of global warming? We minimize the problem by either ignoring it or by pretending to care by talking about minutiae such as using HOV lanes and not burning wood in our fireplaces as means of eradicating the problem of pollution. Is Al Gore’s documentary, Inconvenient Truth, really that inconvenient that we are willing to deny its truth? Our war in Iraq will continue to kill and maim many, but global warming has the potential to kill us all. Will we sleep walk through this problem by displaying our symbolic bumper stickers or will we attack the problem with action? It will not be the terrorists who do us in, for the enemy is at home.
Americans can no longer afford to sleep walk through the critical political issues that we face globally. Our indifference, lack of awareness, denial, shallowness, and lack of motivation will only serve to escalate the dangers that we confront. It will not be “the axis of evil” that consumes us but our own ignorance and laziness.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sleep walking is not an unusual pattern. For many, it is an infrequent occurrence, but for others it is a lifelong experience. Recently, I have been wondering about the manner in which many of our citizens are “sleep walking” through the impact of our political landscape. As a society, we appear to be distracted and asleep at the wheel. It seems as if there is a chronic pathology among of our people characterized by naivety, indifference, and a lack of awareness to political and cultural issues.
I recall Jay Leno canvassing the streets of Los Angeles trying to find one American who could tell him how many Supreme Court justices serve on our highest bench and to identify one of their names. The responses were pathetic and called attention to the lack of political awareness of our citizenry. Recently, as my wife and I boarded a plane to return to Arizona, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was sitting in the third row of the plane. I was not aware of one on-coming passenger who seemed to recognize her or acknowledge her presence. When we deplaned and headed for the luggage area, while other passengers appeared to be oblivious to the relevance of the situation, I proceeded to introduce myself and carry on a brief conversation with her. As one of my 15 year old patients once said, “Why should I care about politics, I can’t change anything anyway.” Nevertheless, it is my belief that feeling powerless is never an excuse for sleeping through the political process.
Although I certainly respect and support our current troops deployed in Iraq and other locations, there is something quite disturbing about the false sense of patriotism displayed by Americans. For example, I believe many of us have trivialized the concept of war through the simplistic use of bumper stickers, ribbons and other insignias signifying troop support. What do these symbols really mean for most Americans? Are they true signs of patriotism by those who fully understand the impact and implications of our current war in Iraq? My brother, who was a Lieutenant and company commander in Viet Nam cringes at the naivety and lack of awareness that many Americans possess about the nature of terrorism, combat and military missions. Maybe if the military adopted a conscription policy, some Americans might rethink their form of patriotism? Maybe if they knew their own children would be subject to going off to Baghdad, they would reconsider the way they demonstrate their loyalty to our military efforts. You might recall what happened when the President tried to make nice with Congressman Jim Webb over the involvement of Mr. Webb’s son in the Iraq war. Congressman Webb bluntly told the President to mind his own business.
Americans tend to believe that if they project an image of patriotism, they are exempt from a deeper understanding of the implications of the war in Iraq. How many of our people are aware of how our wounded soldiers are being treated at Building #18 in Walter Reed Hospital? Do we understand that the hospital is under constant review for improper patient treatment and deplorable conditions? Are we aware that inpatient soldiers have complained about the unsanitary conditions at the hospital including rodents infesting the environment? How many in the Bush administration or Congress are aware of the conditions our soldiers are subjected to and do they care? Would any of us send our loved ones to heal in an environment like that? Is this how we support our troops? Shouldn’t we all be concerned about this issue? Instead we sleep walk through the military and political debate over the mission and purposes of the Iraq war. We believe that the political voices in Washington D.C. are more competent and convincing than our own. We take the easy way out from committing ourselves to being patriotic in the truest since of the word. We must walk the walk through political action, not words.
Will we sleep walk though the debate on global warming as our oil companies try to pay off researchers so they will reinterpret their findings to soften the implications of global warming? We minimize the problem by either ignoring it or by pretending to care by talking about minutiae such as using HOV lanes and not burning wood in our fireplaces as means of eradicating the problem of pollution. Is Al Gore’s documentary, Inconvenient Truth, really that inconvenient that we are willing to deny its truth? Our war in Iraq will continue to kill and maim many, but global warming has the potential to kill us all. Will we sleep walk through this problem by displaying our symbolic bumper stickers or will we attack the problem with action? It will not be the terrorists who do us in, for the enemy is at home.
Americans can no longer afford to sleep walk through the critical political issues that we face globally. Our indifference, lack of awareness, denial, shallowness, and lack of motivation will only serve to escalate the dangers that we confront. It will not be “the axis of evil” that consumes us but our own ignorance and laziness.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
THE COURAGE TO CONFRONT
One of the most significant underlying assumptions that many people internalize is, “I must avoid conflict at all costs; if I let others know what I think and feel, I might get disappointed and hurt. However, “sweeping things under the rug” tends to eventually magnify unresolved interactions and events. Resentment, which looms on the other side of our passive behavior, clouds our confidence and judgment.
I define assertiveness as expressing one’s needs and wants in a way that does not intentionally hurt others feelings. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy avoiding the process of telling others what we specifically want from them. As a result, we carry around negative energy as we seethe over what we are missing in our relationships. A friend of mine told me that there is nothing admirable about avoiding hurt. Sometimes emotional pain is an inevitable byproduct of making difficult decisions that involve honest emotional expressiveness. I am amused at couples who proudly proclaim that they never argue or fight but nevertheless find their relationship in jeopardy. Insulating themselves from the inevitability of conflict provides partners with refuge from everyday struggles. However, intimacy requires emotional expressiveness, and many couples either lack the skills or desire to confront life’s problems.
Managing conflict is a process that is uncomfortable for most of us. Many of us have had no role models for understanding how to constructively fight and emerge from conflict to closure. We may have watched our parents suffer in silence and witnessed the resentment that characterized their relationship. Our parents may have used sarcasm, nagging, or open hostility when problems got to the boiling point. They may have danced around issues like two stallions circling each other in a corral. We may have learned to thwart our feelings in response to our parent’s passive-aggressive style of relating.
Many of us are able to confront people and issues in our business life appropriately. We often can assert ourselves with our business colleagues, but feel lost in communicating honestly and openly with those closest to us. We wonder why there is a disconnect between our work persona and our way of communicating at home. The difference exists because it is more frightening to be vulnerable with our loved ones than it is with our business associates. There is more “on the line” with those we care about and therefore we may avoid facing the emotional ramifications of being upfront.
In order to be assertive, we must let go of the power of others approval or disapproval. At times, all of us may be afraid to share our deepest needs, wants, and feelings because of the negative reaction we might anticipate from others. We may assume that our friends will judge us for being authentic. In the 1970’s, Father John Powell of Loyola University in Chicago reflected on this dilemma in a book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? None of us are comfortable with the feeling of being vulnerable, although it seems that the most confident people are those who can allow themselves to be fragile when necessary.
I often tell people to think of assertiveness the way television detective Colombo responded during his investigations. Occasionally he would respond by saying, “Help me understand something, sir? By the way, can you run that by me once again?” Assertiveness involves respecting and valuing the promotion of understanding. I like to call it non-evaluative exploration. This process involves learning to create dialogue, with true appreciation for differences in opinion. It may also mean learning to say no or setting boundaries that are acceptable and not being manipulated into changing them. It may mean the possibility of getting a negative counter-reaction from others and learning to accept their disapproval. The courage to confront means respecting oneself enough to stand firm on what you want and think without getting caught up in the burden of others feelings.
There is a price to pay for discounting one’s emotional feelings. A number of years ago I heard author M. Scott Peck present to a group of mental health professionals in Chicago. He talked about having chronic neck pain and how troublesome the condition was. After many medical tests, and self-reflection, he came to the conclusion that his problem was primarily a metaphor for his life-long pattern of avoidance. Rather than trying to fix everyone else’s problems, he needed to learn to “stick his neck out” and finally face the courage to confront. Appropriately confronting people and events can be accomplished by promoting understanding through non-evaluative exploration. Through this process, individuals and couples can learn to get closure on issues that affect their everyday living.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
I define assertiveness as expressing one’s needs and wants in a way that does not intentionally hurt others feelings. Many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy avoiding the process of telling others what we specifically want from them. As a result, we carry around negative energy as we seethe over what we are missing in our relationships. A friend of mine told me that there is nothing admirable about avoiding hurt. Sometimes emotional pain is an inevitable byproduct of making difficult decisions that involve honest emotional expressiveness. I am amused at couples who proudly proclaim that they never argue or fight but nevertheless find their relationship in jeopardy. Insulating themselves from the inevitability of conflict provides partners with refuge from everyday struggles. However, intimacy requires emotional expressiveness, and many couples either lack the skills or desire to confront life’s problems.
Managing conflict is a process that is uncomfortable for most of us. Many of us have had no role models for understanding how to constructively fight and emerge from conflict to closure. We may have watched our parents suffer in silence and witnessed the resentment that characterized their relationship. Our parents may have used sarcasm, nagging, or open hostility when problems got to the boiling point. They may have danced around issues like two stallions circling each other in a corral. We may have learned to thwart our feelings in response to our parent’s passive-aggressive style of relating.
Many of us are able to confront people and issues in our business life appropriately. We often can assert ourselves with our business colleagues, but feel lost in communicating honestly and openly with those closest to us. We wonder why there is a disconnect between our work persona and our way of communicating at home. The difference exists because it is more frightening to be vulnerable with our loved ones than it is with our business associates. There is more “on the line” with those we care about and therefore we may avoid facing the emotional ramifications of being upfront.
In order to be assertive, we must let go of the power of others approval or disapproval. At times, all of us may be afraid to share our deepest needs, wants, and feelings because of the negative reaction we might anticipate from others. We may assume that our friends will judge us for being authentic. In the 1970’s, Father John Powell of Loyola University in Chicago reflected on this dilemma in a book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? None of us are comfortable with the feeling of being vulnerable, although it seems that the most confident people are those who can allow themselves to be fragile when necessary.
I often tell people to think of assertiveness the way television detective Colombo responded during his investigations. Occasionally he would respond by saying, “Help me understand something, sir? By the way, can you run that by me once again?” Assertiveness involves respecting and valuing the promotion of understanding. I like to call it non-evaluative exploration. This process involves learning to create dialogue, with true appreciation for differences in opinion. It may also mean learning to say no or setting boundaries that are acceptable and not being manipulated into changing them. It may mean the possibility of getting a negative counter-reaction from others and learning to accept their disapproval. The courage to confront means respecting oneself enough to stand firm on what you want and think without getting caught up in the burden of others feelings.
There is a price to pay for discounting one’s emotional feelings. A number of years ago I heard author M. Scott Peck present to a group of mental health professionals in Chicago. He talked about having chronic neck pain and how troublesome the condition was. After many medical tests, and self-reflection, he came to the conclusion that his problem was primarily a metaphor for his life-long pattern of avoidance. Rather than trying to fix everyone else’s problems, he needed to learn to “stick his neck out” and finally face the courage to confront. Appropriately confronting people and events can be accomplished by promoting understanding through non-evaluative exploration. Through this process, individuals and couples can learn to get closure on issues that affect their everyday living.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
LET THINGS BE THE WAY THEY ARE
According to Eugene O’Kelly, author of Chasing Daylight, the most difficult task an individual can undertake is learning to live in the moment. O’Kelly should know, since his quest to manage the process of his own death from a brain tumor underscored his intense desire to learn to cherish the moment during his ordeal. Eugene’s story is an inspiration to all of us who seek to understand the practice of mindfulness, the Eastern terminology for staying in the here-and-now.
Our fast-paced lifestyle, filled with excessive activity, multiple deadlines, and over-stimulation counteracts our capacity to relax and let go. Often, we either embrace what’s in the “rear view mirror” or we anticipate the future with much trepidation. Life becomes an anxious proposition when we ruminate about the past and assume the worst about the future.
Often, people get mired in the past because they have failed to emotionally process it. Unresolved grief and psychic pain keeps us immobilized and robs us of energy for the here-and-now. A friend of mine once said, “Never live with regret.” Our past must be appropriately expressed, forgiven, and healed of the impact that it has in keeping us from moving forward with our lives. One’s past is not truly in the past if there are resentments that continue to be projected into the present. One must forgive in order to let go of any painful vestiges from our history.
Often, individuals sabotage their future goals by making erroneous assumptions that shatter confidence. People thwart their ability to make changes by using prior experience as the benchmark for making adaptations. Staying in the moment involves letting go of the past and not making faulty assumptions about the future. All we have is the present. Life is not a fixed entity; it is an ever-changing, fluid experience. We must seize the moment as well as embrace it. When we try to control life, we tend to feel out of control. We must learn to go downstream with the flow of life rather than fighting the rapids. Trying to hang onto life is like attempting to hold water in one’s hands. It is futile. One’s mantra must be, whatever is will be, whether I like it or not.
There are numerous techniques that people can try as ways of learning the practice of mindfulness. Learning them takes patience and persistence. Mindfulness is heightened awareness. For example, when showering, what are most people doing? They are thinking about the activities that will fill their day. Instead, feel the beads of water gently touching your skin. Immerse yourself in the pleasure of the moment. When drinking a hot cup of tea, feel the liquid as it touches your lips. Hold the cup in both hands to better feel the heat that is generated. Practice simple tasks every day until they become a conscious part of your experience.
Meditation is the most effective way to stay focused in the here-and-now. Meditation does not need to be complicated. It involves simple steps:
· Find a quiet place and sit in a comfortable chair with both feet on the floor.
· Work on breathing from the diaphragm (belly breathing).
· Establish a mantra, such as a number, name or religious symbol as you breathe out.
· Focus on your breathing and redirect your thinking when you tend to wander.
· You may prefer to use prerecorded CD’s or tapes that guide you through the meditative process.
The goal of meditation is to relax the mind and body. This increases awareness, energy and serenity. The most difficult task in meditation is to learn to keep one’s thoughts centered in the moment. It is our natural tendency to wander off into past and future thoughts and feelings. Meditation is both a metaphor and a catalyst for learning to live in the moment. As Eugene Kelly has taught, living in the present is a worthy goal that has the rewards of opening us all to the wonder of life through a much clearer window.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Our fast-paced lifestyle, filled with excessive activity, multiple deadlines, and over-stimulation counteracts our capacity to relax and let go. Often, we either embrace what’s in the “rear view mirror” or we anticipate the future with much trepidation. Life becomes an anxious proposition when we ruminate about the past and assume the worst about the future.
Often, people get mired in the past because they have failed to emotionally process it. Unresolved grief and psychic pain keeps us immobilized and robs us of energy for the here-and-now. A friend of mine once said, “Never live with regret.” Our past must be appropriately expressed, forgiven, and healed of the impact that it has in keeping us from moving forward with our lives. One’s past is not truly in the past if there are resentments that continue to be projected into the present. One must forgive in order to let go of any painful vestiges from our history.
Often, individuals sabotage their future goals by making erroneous assumptions that shatter confidence. People thwart their ability to make changes by using prior experience as the benchmark for making adaptations. Staying in the moment involves letting go of the past and not making faulty assumptions about the future. All we have is the present. Life is not a fixed entity; it is an ever-changing, fluid experience. We must seize the moment as well as embrace it. When we try to control life, we tend to feel out of control. We must learn to go downstream with the flow of life rather than fighting the rapids. Trying to hang onto life is like attempting to hold water in one’s hands. It is futile. One’s mantra must be, whatever is will be, whether I like it or not.
There are numerous techniques that people can try as ways of learning the practice of mindfulness. Learning them takes patience and persistence. Mindfulness is heightened awareness. For example, when showering, what are most people doing? They are thinking about the activities that will fill their day. Instead, feel the beads of water gently touching your skin. Immerse yourself in the pleasure of the moment. When drinking a hot cup of tea, feel the liquid as it touches your lips. Hold the cup in both hands to better feel the heat that is generated. Practice simple tasks every day until they become a conscious part of your experience.
Meditation is the most effective way to stay focused in the here-and-now. Meditation does not need to be complicated. It involves simple steps:
· Find a quiet place and sit in a comfortable chair with both feet on the floor.
· Work on breathing from the diaphragm (belly breathing).
· Establish a mantra, such as a number, name or religious symbol as you breathe out.
· Focus on your breathing and redirect your thinking when you tend to wander.
· You may prefer to use prerecorded CD’s or tapes that guide you through the meditative process.
The goal of meditation is to relax the mind and body. This increases awareness, energy and serenity. The most difficult task in meditation is to learn to keep one’s thoughts centered in the moment. It is our natural tendency to wander off into past and future thoughts and feelings. Meditation is both a metaphor and a catalyst for learning to live in the moment. As Eugene Kelly has taught, living in the present is a worthy goal that has the rewards of opening us all to the wonder of life through a much clearer window.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Where Has Common Courtesy Gone?
Whatever happened to the concept of personal courtesy? I keep waiting for consideration to return, but I’m not holding my breath. The “human touch”, complete with decency, civility and proper etiquette appears to have vanished. Often, these cherished values have been replaced with isolation, unkindness, insensitivity, poor manners, and excuse-making.
Since I am a behavioral health provider, I recently contacted a managed care organization to check on some billing information for a patient. Most MCO’s now have a voice prompt menu which serves to conveniently block the provider from reaching a live customer service agent. The automated menu responds with, “Please say your tax identification number.” I go ahead and provide the number. They repeat the number back to me and then the machine asks me, “Is the tax identification number correct or incorrect?” I respond with “correct.” The prompt responds with, “I’m sorry I did not hear your tax identification number correctly. Please repeat.” I repeat the process and the prompts continue to block me from moving through the system. I finally press the zero key on my phone, hoping to bypass the menu and get an agent, but the system does not permit it. Through personal ingenuity, I finally find a way to reach a human agent. To my dismay, I am asked to repeat any information I provided on the prompts. I am then subjected to a written customer disclaimer script and then my call is placed on hold. This cost containment strategy is one example of the type of incivility that most Americans are exposed to in the process of trying to get their needs met.
There are other everyday examples of individual’s incivility. For instance, what about drivers who tailgate and drive carelessly while using a cell phone? How about those who make mistakes and yet refuse to acknowledge their failures? People rarely say they are sorry for hurting and offending others. What happened to a firm handshake and a smile during an introduction? What about gestures such as sending greeting cards to friends, recognizing family and friend’s birthdays and other special occasions, keeping in touch with loved ones, and learning how to forgive oneself and others for being less than perfect.
Have you ever endlessly waited in a restaurant for a friend to show up? When they arrive, do they provide a volley of excuses for being late? Promptness takes planning and consideration for the feelings of others. Promptness shows our family and friends the degree to which we cherish our relationships.
It seems like Americans are in a hurry. I’m not sure where people are going, but the speed and volume of life has been turned up. The frantic pace of living causes people to become insensitive to others. How many times have people in their haste to get somewhere fail to open a door for others? How many times have drivers forbidden you to make a lane change when they are fully aware that you are signaling for entrance? How many people are inconsiderate in canceling appointments without providing 24 hour notice to service providers? How many children show a selfish sense of entitlement, lacking a sense of gratitude for what they have been given?
Demonstrating etiquette or good manners appears to have been lost in our current way of living. Little gestures like saying “thank you,” showing kindness to others (especially toward special needs individuals), and showing proper manners needs to be resurrected.
We need the kind of civility which requires us to think more about the needs of others than our own desires. That may involve taking on volunteer service, going out of our way for friends and family members, and supporting those who are grieving significant losses. Our care and concern for others must not be conditional. It cannot be contingent upon others responses to our deeds. We need to learn to display care and concern for others because it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because others appreciate our efforts. We act with kindness because it is apart of our character, not because we assume others will value our efforts. We do it anyway, even if our efforts are not always appreciated.
As a society, we need to get back to the basics of kindness, rules of etiquette, sensitivity, and consideration for others. Many of us feel isolated due to a lack of connectedness. In this impersonal world, we must all strive to make us all feel more like a global family. We can accomplish this by showing the human touch rather than the automated responses characteristic of our current culture.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Since I am a behavioral health provider, I recently contacted a managed care organization to check on some billing information for a patient. Most MCO’s now have a voice prompt menu which serves to conveniently block the provider from reaching a live customer service agent. The automated menu responds with, “Please say your tax identification number.” I go ahead and provide the number. They repeat the number back to me and then the machine asks me, “Is the tax identification number correct or incorrect?” I respond with “correct.” The prompt responds with, “I’m sorry I did not hear your tax identification number correctly. Please repeat.” I repeat the process and the prompts continue to block me from moving through the system. I finally press the zero key on my phone, hoping to bypass the menu and get an agent, but the system does not permit it. Through personal ingenuity, I finally find a way to reach a human agent. To my dismay, I am asked to repeat any information I provided on the prompts. I am then subjected to a written customer disclaimer script and then my call is placed on hold. This cost containment strategy is one example of the type of incivility that most Americans are exposed to in the process of trying to get their needs met.
There are other everyday examples of individual’s incivility. For instance, what about drivers who tailgate and drive carelessly while using a cell phone? How about those who make mistakes and yet refuse to acknowledge their failures? People rarely say they are sorry for hurting and offending others. What happened to a firm handshake and a smile during an introduction? What about gestures such as sending greeting cards to friends, recognizing family and friend’s birthdays and other special occasions, keeping in touch with loved ones, and learning how to forgive oneself and others for being less than perfect.
Have you ever endlessly waited in a restaurant for a friend to show up? When they arrive, do they provide a volley of excuses for being late? Promptness takes planning and consideration for the feelings of others. Promptness shows our family and friends the degree to which we cherish our relationships.
It seems like Americans are in a hurry. I’m not sure where people are going, but the speed and volume of life has been turned up. The frantic pace of living causes people to become insensitive to others. How many times have people in their haste to get somewhere fail to open a door for others? How many times have drivers forbidden you to make a lane change when they are fully aware that you are signaling for entrance? How many people are inconsiderate in canceling appointments without providing 24 hour notice to service providers? How many children show a selfish sense of entitlement, lacking a sense of gratitude for what they have been given?
Demonstrating etiquette or good manners appears to have been lost in our current way of living. Little gestures like saying “thank you,” showing kindness to others (especially toward special needs individuals), and showing proper manners needs to be resurrected.
We need the kind of civility which requires us to think more about the needs of others than our own desires. That may involve taking on volunteer service, going out of our way for friends and family members, and supporting those who are grieving significant losses. Our care and concern for others must not be conditional. It cannot be contingent upon others responses to our deeds. We need to learn to display care and concern for others because it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because others appreciate our efforts. We act with kindness because it is apart of our character, not because we assume others will value our efforts. We do it anyway, even if our efforts are not always appreciated.
As a society, we need to get back to the basics of kindness, rules of etiquette, sensitivity, and consideration for others. Many of us feel isolated due to a lack of connectedness. In this impersonal world, we must all strive to make us all feel more like a global family. We can accomplish this by showing the human touch rather than the automated responses characteristic of our current culture.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Changing Negative Child Behavior
I saw a parent in counseling whose 16 year old daughter was using alcohol, was excessively truant from school, and was enmeshed with a boyfriend. The boyfriend had a history of trouble with the law and was suspected of using methamphetamine on a regular basis. On several occasions, the teenage girl had left the house on a Friday evening with her boyfriend and did not return home until Sunday afternoon. The mother was terrified regarding the whereabouts of her daughter, but she decided that the best way to handle the conflict was to invite the boyfriend over regularly and to have him stay overnight at the request of her daughter. On the day I saw the mother she was planning on celebrating her birthday that night. She had plans to spend the evening with her two children, but her daughter insisted that her boyfriend be included in the dinner party. The mother objected, so the teenage daughter proceeded to destroy items in the house. In order to stop the violent temper tantrum, the mother agreed to let her daughter’s boyfriend join the birthday celebration. She left my office in a dejected mood.
The most striking aspect of this story was the mother’s demeanor. She told her story in a nonchalant manner, devoid of any emotional content. My first question was one I often ask parents, “Where is your anger? Where’s the kind of anger that makes you want to stick up for yourself?”
Parenting is an art. No one gave us a manual to assist in this most difficult task. Managing children is a challenging process which requires courage, connectedness, consequences, and consistency. Mistakes are inevitable, but good child caretakers learn from their failures and seek to establish new ways to change negative child behaviors.
Often, parents struggle in their relationships with their children because their own family role models were faulty. They may feel alone in their quest to get it right with their own children because they have had no positive patterns to follow from their own upbringing. It is not unusual for caretakers of children to internalize the bad parenting styles of their own parents and to project archaic, self-defeating strategies onto their children. Regardless, one cannot be excused from learning more adaptive ways of working with kids.
Life appears to consist in polarities. Parents tend to under-function or over-function on behalf of their children. Under-functioning parents are absent. They lack the skills to nurture, encourage, coach, and motivate their kids. Children in such families feel lost and perform to please in order to make a peace offering to gain approval. Out of a sense of abandonment, these children will act overly-compliant (and sometimes rebellious) in order to strive for a sense of approval. If validation is not forthcoming, these children will turn against themselves, internalizing self-blame and resentment.
Over-functioning parents tend to do for a child what he can do for himself. They overcompensate, thus taking a child’s power away. They think, feel and act for the child, rendering the child powerless as the master of his own fate. These are the parents who are terrified of disapproval. In their haste to bolster their self-esteem in the eyes of their children, they create the conditions for their children to lack realistic expectations, appropriate boundaries, civility and compassion. Since these kids have never been appropriately frustrated, enough is never enough.
Since parenting is an art, what parents are doing is always subject to change. As I tell my patients, “If what you are doing is not working, shift gears and try another approach.” Many parents will maintain the same pattern even though it may not be effective. There are no magic bullets or “right” ways to parent.
Changing negative child behaviors calls for a plan and a commitment to follow it to its conclusion. In order to avoid power-struggles parents must learn to “major in the majors.” If you feud about minor issues, you leave yourself open to passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your child. On major issues I recommend parents adopt a process that I call “non-evaluative exploration.”
Non-evaluative exploration means that you resist the urge to pontificate, moralize, give advice or lecture. Such tactics put the responsibility for change on your shoulders rather than the child’s. Instead, explore behaviors with your child, insisting he make value judgments about the issues under discussion. In this way, you “box the child in” requiring him to make assessments about his own behavior. For example, exploration of school issues might include, “How do you feel about your progress this semester? What has been holding you back? What do you think it would take for you to improve? Is your performance on target with your future goals? If not, what do you think you could do about this?”
Some behaviors may not warrant exploration. These behaviors might include one’s curfew, ways of treating others, courtesy to parents, and issues regarding self-medicating. Parents need to state their expectations and adopt logical consequences for such behaviors. Consequences should be reasonable, fit the infraction, and be consistent.
Another way to avoid power-struggles and passive-aggressive behavior is to establish positive consequences for appropriate behavior. As most children already receive an allowance, I encourage parents to tie positive consequences to an earned monetary value. Household tasks and other important household issues can also be reinforced through the use of a goal chart that is checked daily. Negative consequences, when necessary, which include removal of privileges should reserved for major violations.
It is important that a parent’s involvement with a child remain unconditional. This means that a parent must resist the urge to let one’s feelings affect the ability to keep the lines of communication open. Involvement is the cornerstone of parenting, even if the child has chosen a path of detachment. By maintaining a strong sense of involvement with your child, a parent keeps the door open for unexpected exploration and discussion.
Parents may need to adapt their parenting philosophy and strategies to the developmental level of their children. Age differences and variances in temperament may require parents to modify their parenting styles and techniques to meet the needs of their children. Parenting strategies that work for a 5 year old will not affect change in a teenager. Understanding the developmental changes which occur in children is important to the process of parenting. Changing negative child behavior requires parents who are committed to demonstrating courage, connectedness, establishing consequences, and maintaining consistency.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
The most striking aspect of this story was the mother’s demeanor. She told her story in a nonchalant manner, devoid of any emotional content. My first question was one I often ask parents, “Where is your anger? Where’s the kind of anger that makes you want to stick up for yourself?”
Parenting is an art. No one gave us a manual to assist in this most difficult task. Managing children is a challenging process which requires courage, connectedness, consequences, and consistency. Mistakes are inevitable, but good child caretakers learn from their failures and seek to establish new ways to change negative child behaviors.
Often, parents struggle in their relationships with their children because their own family role models were faulty. They may feel alone in their quest to get it right with their own children because they have had no positive patterns to follow from their own upbringing. It is not unusual for caretakers of children to internalize the bad parenting styles of their own parents and to project archaic, self-defeating strategies onto their children. Regardless, one cannot be excused from learning more adaptive ways of working with kids.
Life appears to consist in polarities. Parents tend to under-function or over-function on behalf of their children. Under-functioning parents are absent. They lack the skills to nurture, encourage, coach, and motivate their kids. Children in such families feel lost and perform to please in order to make a peace offering to gain approval. Out of a sense of abandonment, these children will act overly-compliant (and sometimes rebellious) in order to strive for a sense of approval. If validation is not forthcoming, these children will turn against themselves, internalizing self-blame and resentment.
Over-functioning parents tend to do for a child what he can do for himself. They overcompensate, thus taking a child’s power away. They think, feel and act for the child, rendering the child powerless as the master of his own fate. These are the parents who are terrified of disapproval. In their haste to bolster their self-esteem in the eyes of their children, they create the conditions for their children to lack realistic expectations, appropriate boundaries, civility and compassion. Since these kids have never been appropriately frustrated, enough is never enough.
Since parenting is an art, what parents are doing is always subject to change. As I tell my patients, “If what you are doing is not working, shift gears and try another approach.” Many parents will maintain the same pattern even though it may not be effective. There are no magic bullets or “right” ways to parent.
Changing negative child behaviors calls for a plan and a commitment to follow it to its conclusion. In order to avoid power-struggles parents must learn to “major in the majors.” If you feud about minor issues, you leave yourself open to passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your child. On major issues I recommend parents adopt a process that I call “non-evaluative exploration.”
Non-evaluative exploration means that you resist the urge to pontificate, moralize, give advice or lecture. Such tactics put the responsibility for change on your shoulders rather than the child’s. Instead, explore behaviors with your child, insisting he make value judgments about the issues under discussion. In this way, you “box the child in” requiring him to make assessments about his own behavior. For example, exploration of school issues might include, “How do you feel about your progress this semester? What has been holding you back? What do you think it would take for you to improve? Is your performance on target with your future goals? If not, what do you think you could do about this?”
Some behaviors may not warrant exploration. These behaviors might include one’s curfew, ways of treating others, courtesy to parents, and issues regarding self-medicating. Parents need to state their expectations and adopt logical consequences for such behaviors. Consequences should be reasonable, fit the infraction, and be consistent.
Another way to avoid power-struggles and passive-aggressive behavior is to establish positive consequences for appropriate behavior. As most children already receive an allowance, I encourage parents to tie positive consequences to an earned monetary value. Household tasks and other important household issues can also be reinforced through the use of a goal chart that is checked daily. Negative consequences, when necessary, which include removal of privileges should reserved for major violations.
It is important that a parent’s involvement with a child remain unconditional. This means that a parent must resist the urge to let one’s feelings affect the ability to keep the lines of communication open. Involvement is the cornerstone of parenting, even if the child has chosen a path of detachment. By maintaining a strong sense of involvement with your child, a parent keeps the door open for unexpected exploration and discussion.
Parents may need to adapt their parenting philosophy and strategies to the developmental level of their children. Age differences and variances in temperament may require parents to modify their parenting styles and techniques to meet the needs of their children. Parenting strategies that work for a 5 year old will not affect change in a teenager. Understanding the developmental changes which occur in children is important to the process of parenting. Changing negative child behavior requires parents who are committed to demonstrating courage, connectedness, establishing consequences, and maintaining consistency.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
SUPER-DADS AND THEIR SONS
Super-Dads are fathers who are perceived by their sons to possess qualities and achievements that are unattainable by the child. Super-Dad’s past or current performance seems overwhelming and larger than life. Sons put their Super-Dads on a pedestal and believe that they will never be able to measure up to their father’s expectations.
Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.
Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.
At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.
Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.
Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.
I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.
It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.
How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.
Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.
At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.
Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.
Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.
I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.
It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.
How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - WITHOUT THE FLUFF
The meaning of Christmas is not embedded in the holiday tradition itself. Although bumper stickers reading, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” are clearly noticeable, it is significant to note that the early Christian church did not celebrate the birth of Christ. Nowhere is Christmas mentioned in the New Testament as a historical and biblical account. The tradition evolved later in church history. In fact, for these and other reasons, many Christians bypass Christmas as a holiday, preferring to place emphasis on Easter, notable for the biblical account of the resurrection of Christ.
Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.
Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”
As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.
The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.
What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.
The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com
Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.
Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”
As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.
The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.
What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.
The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com
Saturday, December 09, 2006
HOW TO AVOID POWER-STRUGGLES WITH YOUR KIDS
Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your child. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your child may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.
Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Parents will attempt to get their child to manifest certain desired behaviors while the child may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Children demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Parents may employ various methods in trying to hold their children accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their children. None of these methods generally work very effectively.
Parents who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their children. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a child’s desire for more freedom, or a child merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if parents will change their tactics with their children. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:
- Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
- Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Children should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
- Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your child (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
- Don’t get “hooked” by your child’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
- Consequences for children should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a child while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
- By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a child’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with children about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome). Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your child that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a child to change his perspective about schooling.
Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits. - Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your children make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.
Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your children, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Children will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your child’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your children to emulate.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S. LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD PARENTING
Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.
Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.
The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.
For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.
The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.
For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Dixie Chicks Light up Phoenix, Dispel Predictions
The Dixie Chicks seemed surprised at the reaction that they received from their Phoenix fans. Predictions from journalist had the group performing to a half empty crowd. However, a full crowd supported them as fans stood and cheered throughout the concert. The Dixie Chicks have matured in their work and sound better than ever. They played with a passion that reflected their social and political values. I don’t believe in revering heroes, but if I had one it would be the Chicks. They reflect the values that I embrace in my book, Stepping Out of the Bubble. They are not afraid to “stick their neck out” in support of their beliefs. I like that. Their recent track songs, such as “the long way around” remind me of concepts that I embrace in my book about displaying courage and risk in stepping out of one’s psychological bubble. They have had a rough road to travel, but what they said politically has made them look prophetic.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com or www.leavingthebubble.blogspot.com.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
CONFIDENT STAY AT-HOME MOMS
Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents lose their sense of self in the process of caretaking for their children. A woman’s natural instinct to “protect her flock” may come into direct conflict with developing a strong self-identity.
Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.
In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?
I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.
Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.
At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.
It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.
Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.
Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James", through an interactive forum for parents at www.theparentstation.com.
Often, mother’s “lose themselves” by giving their power away in relationships, particularly with their children. They may develop a connection with their children, but it may be established in an unhealthy manner. One of my parental slogans is, “Never do for a child what she can do for herself.” Mothers may overfunction on behalf on their children, giving away their sense of self while inhibiting their kids’ opportunity to become self directed.
In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at home mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries. Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extension of their children. They may vicariously live through their children and meet their needs in this manner. An example is the parent who becomes overly enmeshed in their child’s activities. They may inadvertently put pressure on a child to perform admirably to compensate for their own perceived shortcomings.
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able to distinguish herself from her children. Personal boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must be able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are my feelings separate from those of my children, or do I get swallowed up in the burden of how they experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in the caretaking process for my children? Do I have separate wants, desires and needs apart from those of my children?
I think an empowered mother must learn what I call “detached identification.” Mothers are responsible to their children, not for them. Understanding this distinction determines whether a stay-at-home mother will cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unable to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior from the pattern of their children. They may worry endlessly about their children instead of demonstrating appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence. Appropriate concern empowers a mother to problem-solve new ways of assisting their children in managing problems.
Some mother’s groups advocate what I call “extreme parenting.” The parental bonding process does not take into consideration the mother’s well-being and personal identity. There are groups that advocate that the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on a regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In my opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well as the mother.
At times, a mother will pursue her children when it would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my daughter visited me along with her toddler. We were walking down the street during a shopping trip and my granddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to pick her up and my daughter intervened. “Dad, leave her alone. Let her handle this by herself.” My daughter was right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of getting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to pursue and let children handle their journey to learn new skills.
It is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life apart from their children. Developing a business from home, joining parenting support groups, spending time with adult friends and volunteering a small amount of one’s time are important ways of refocusing one’s energy and validating personal identity. Finding someone to caretake for the children may be difficult, but necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in this regard and provides the mom with time away from her children. This is in the best interest of the adult relationship as well as the adult-child relationship. Mothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter doesn’t meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a self-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the children and allowing the children to be “raised by the village.” If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a healthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her children to significant others.
Suggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating and maintaining a strong self-image are:
Don’t be an overly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your power away to your children.
Listen and respond to your own needs. This is not being selfish but honest and empowering.
Always trying to please your children will backfire. They will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.
If your children make mistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you are ok as long as you allow children to become self-directed through learning from their own experiences.
Create a life for yourself apart from your children. Involve family, friends and significant others to support you in your self-rewarding activities.
Eradicate the words “selfish” and “guilty” from your vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth and keep you from developing confidence.
Recognize the harsh reality that your children don’t always need you. It’s amazing what they can do for themselves.
Let go of the illusion of being the perfect mother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts an unreasonable burden on you.
Stay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel empowered if they can learn to meet their own needs apart from their children. Setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive, and giving your children appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a mother’s sense of self-determination and confidence.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James", through an interactive forum for parents at www.theparentstation.com.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
HOW TO MANAGE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
For many people, obsessive-compulsive disorder responds well to a combination of antidepressant medication and cognitive therapy. Most people with OCD appear to be predisposed to the symptoms. Usually you can find other extended family members who share a similar pattern of ritualistic behavior. Therapeutic treatment involves the following process: relabeling, reattribution, relaxation techniques and refocusing strategies. Relabeling and reattribution techniques are designed to assist in objectifying the disorder and realizing that people are more than their obsessions. For example, I teach people to internally respond by saying, "A part of my brain works in ways that make me repeat things continuously. This is merely my disorder speaking; I am more than my disorder." This way of perceiving one’s obsessive features helps people to detach the nature of their problem from their sense of self. Relaxation techniques may involve exercise, music, message, meditation and vacationing in a soothing environment. These strategies slow down the sympathetic nervous system minimizing anxiety and making it easier for people with OCD to manage their thoughts and behavior. One’s level of anxiety is directly related to the impact of compulsive behavior.
Refocusing techniques refers to assisting patients to shift from obsessional thinking and behavior to other more self-rewarding activities. A change in activities lessens the impact of the OCD thinking and behavior. For example, a child may have a ritualistic pattern of continuously changing the television remote control in a certain order. A therapeutic goal might be to get the child to leave his obsession by getting up and leaving the room, possibly departing the house for a brief walk. I have people track the intensity of their anxiety during the time that they are away from their ritualistic behavior. When removed from an obsessional behavior, anxiety initially becomes worse and then dissipates in strength over time. Once the child returns to the obsessional pattern after voluntarily leaving it, it usually has decreased in its impact and intensity. The child may say, "I was able to keep from repeating the pattern continuously. I only did it twice!" Reinforcement and encouragement are important for people attempting to minimize obsessive patterns.
Those who experience OCD are typically anxious about their symptoms and fight to get rid of them. It is essential that those who suffer from OCD learn to accept their symptoms rather than struggle with them. Acceptance of any form of anxiety helps one to minimize the symptoms. For example, one might say, “Here come those “crazy feelings” again. They sure are annoying but they won’t hurt me. If I learn to “let them be” they will eventually dissipate in their effect on me.”
It is important for those who experience OCD to share their problem with a close friend or therapist. Expressing one’s feelings about the pattern may help in dealing with any feelings of shame or embarrassment. For the OCD sufferer, it is significant to remember that most people experience features of the disorder. All behavioral problems lie on a continuum. Struggling with OCD is no exception. When we share our problems with others, we realize that we are not alone in our difficulties. It takes courage to admit that we are less than perfect and to allow ourselves to share our humanity with others. When we learn to quit fighting with our imperfections, the issue eventually seems less troublesome.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Refocusing techniques refers to assisting patients to shift from obsessional thinking and behavior to other more self-rewarding activities. A change in activities lessens the impact of the OCD thinking and behavior. For example, a child may have a ritualistic pattern of continuously changing the television remote control in a certain order. A therapeutic goal might be to get the child to leave his obsession by getting up and leaving the room, possibly departing the house for a brief walk. I have people track the intensity of their anxiety during the time that they are away from their ritualistic behavior. When removed from an obsessional behavior, anxiety initially becomes worse and then dissipates in strength over time. Once the child returns to the obsessional pattern after voluntarily leaving it, it usually has decreased in its impact and intensity. The child may say, "I was able to keep from repeating the pattern continuously. I only did it twice!" Reinforcement and encouragement are important for people attempting to minimize obsessive patterns.
Those who experience OCD are typically anxious about their symptoms and fight to get rid of them. It is essential that those who suffer from OCD learn to accept their symptoms rather than struggle with them. Acceptance of any form of anxiety helps one to minimize the symptoms. For example, one might say, “Here come those “crazy feelings” again. They sure are annoying but they won’t hurt me. If I learn to “let them be” they will eventually dissipate in their effect on me.”
It is important for those who experience OCD to share their problem with a close friend or therapist. Expressing one’s feelings about the pattern may help in dealing with any feelings of shame or embarrassment. For the OCD sufferer, it is significant to remember that most people experience features of the disorder. All behavioral problems lie on a continuum. Struggling with OCD is no exception. When we share our problems with others, we realize that we are not alone in our difficulties. It takes courage to admit that we are less than perfect and to allow ourselves to share our humanity with others. When we learn to quit fighting with our imperfections, the issue eventually seems less troublesome.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can "ask James" through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Monday, September 11, 2006
DEALING WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Many people have experience Posttraumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. One of my patients was in a highly abusive relationship with a man who physically beat her. This went on for some time as she allowed herself to remain in a pattern to be re-traumatized. Currently, relationships still terrify her. Due to mistrustful feelings, she pushes men away with her anger and rage. Then she becomes upset with herself for behaving in impulsive ways. The key to treatment for her is to isolate the traumatic feelings, explore the pain around them, and to teach her new ways of behaving that are based on rational thinking. She no longer needs to view herself as the victim in relationships. She needs to expand her psychic map to include new feeling, thoughts, and behavior. This exploration process is painful, but it will free her of the need to continue victimizing herself. She needs to flush out the negative energy that has allowed her to be re-traumatized. The cycle can be broken with proper therapeutic intervention.
Clients who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder experience the effects of psychic numbing. These people also tend to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic, anger and rage and startle response. A friend of mine, who was a Lieutenant during the Vietnam War, experiences features of this disorder. When the snowplows rumble through his hometown during a major snowstorm, it is not unusual for him to be awakened in the early morning by the sounds. Sometimes, he jumps out of the bed in total confusion and panic. It’s as if he back in the rice paddies of Vietnam waiting for the next mortar found to explode. What he is experiencing is the startle response or hypervigilence. Isn’t it amazing how the brain works? After thirty years loud noises still take him back to a place where psychic numbing was necessary for survival. All of the painful psychic energy is stored in our bodies and mind. Many times I recommend message therapy as an adjunct treatment to clients who have stored painful feelings, because it is one more entry point for ferreting out troublesome emotional energy.
It is important that we do not forget those of have been the victims of PTSD. Now that the dust has settled, do we still remember that we have an obligation as a country to treat those who have suffered for this disorder as a result of war and natural disasters? Let us not forget our families who have suffered from the ravages of our current struggle in Iraq, “the war on terror,” and those who endured Hurricane Katrina.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can “ask James” through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Clients who suffer from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder experience the effects of psychic numbing. These people also tend to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic, anger and rage and startle response. A friend of mine, who was a Lieutenant during the Vietnam War, experiences features of this disorder. When the snowplows rumble through his hometown during a major snowstorm, it is not unusual for him to be awakened in the early morning by the sounds. Sometimes, he jumps out of the bed in total confusion and panic. It’s as if he back in the rice paddies of Vietnam waiting for the next mortar found to explode. What he is experiencing is the startle response or hypervigilence. Isn’t it amazing how the brain works? After thirty years loud noises still take him back to a place where psychic numbing was necessary for survival. All of the painful psychic energy is stored in our bodies and mind. Many times I recommend message therapy as an adjunct treatment to clients who have stored painful feelings, because it is one more entry point for ferreting out troublesome emotional energy.
It is important that we do not forget those of have been the victims of PTSD. Now that the dust has settled, do we still remember that we have an obligation as a country to treat those who have suffered for this disorder as a result of war and natural disasters? Let us not forget our families who have suffered from the ravages of our current struggle in Iraq, “the war on terror,” and those who endured Hurricane Katrina.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. Now you can “ask James” through his interactive forum at www.theparentstation.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
