A friend of mine who is a high school English teacher in our local schools has been perplexed by the behavior of some of her current students. She said, "Help me understand why a third of my students can't sit still in their desks? They wiggle, they squirm, they tap their pencils and their feet and are constantly in motion." She is experiencing a dose of today's "hard-wired" youngsters.
Although some of this student behavior is developmentally appropriate, our society has rapidly experienced a metamorphosis that fosters and perpetuates the kind of fidgety behavior that my teacher friend is observing. Our fast-paced, complex culture places stress and strain on all of us. Many times our children feel overwhelmed by the "juggling act" that is performed in trying to keep their lives in balance.
What are some of the factors that create an environment of overstimulation and hyperactivity among our young people? Some clinicians in the field of behavioral health suggest that Attention Deficit Disorder accounts for most of our restlessness in children. However, many of our hyperactive students do not meet the criteria for ADHD. I believe that children are suffering from agitation, restlessness and hyperactivity due to other situational factors.
What is it about our culture that contributes to the restlessness experienced by our youth?
Violent lightening fast-paced movies and videos. I believe that students who are consistently immersed in watching movies and videos filled with acts of violence are much more susceptible to restless agitation. Many children are unable to detach themselves from the overstimulation of violent behavior in the media. As they absorb multiple acts of violent sociopathic behavior, they are unable to process and disengage from the material without it affecting their current behavior.
Excessive use of video games and computers. Many children become obsessively connected to electronic gadgetry and it may have a direct link to the quality of their mood, level of concentration, and quality of sleep. Some children use the electronic media as a means for avoiding more meaningful activity such as socialization with age mates. Electronic stimulation may be referred to as the "companion symptom." Children can carry it around like a friend and the activity takes on a life of its own.
· Loud, hard-wired music. Have you ever pulled up next to a car that was blasting the radio playing heavy metal or rap music? Did it sound like they were having a peaceful experience? Children are not always aware of the affects that certain styles of music can have on the sympathetic nervous system. These children may complain of irritability, moodiness and agitation as a result of this exposure.
· The problem of over-scheduling activity. Many children are unable to find a balance between creative free time and structured activity. Although karate and dance lessons may be important, children need time to play creatively. This may include artistic activity, hiking, camping, cycling, playing board games or doing nothing. The excessive activity level of many students makes it difficult for them to complete school responsibilities, such as homework, creating unnecessary stress and anxiety. Parents may perpetuate the problem by insisting that their children "stay on the move" at all times. Excessive preoccupation with activity creates overstimulation. How many birthday parties does your child need to attend before you say, "enough is enough?"
Several years ago my wife and I toured the nation of Israel with her family. I recall being in the mountainous village of Safed that is home to an artist colony. I remember a young boy who was using an easel to draw some ancient ruins. He looked serene and content. I asked him if I could take his picture and he agreed. He smiled and I snapped the image. I think it was his innocence and creativity that sparked me to want that image. I mentioned the encounter with our tour guide and he replied by saying, "The entrepreneurs in America have ruined a whole generation of children with their electronic gadgetry." Although his point is overstated, his premise is accurate.
As parents, it is important to guide your children in setting reasonable limits regarding exposure to the media and activity. This can be accomplished by monitoring your children's level of electronic exposure and degree and quality of structured activity. Parents can help their children develop an awareness and appreciation for the connection between excessive media stimulation and over- involvement in activity and the symptoms of irritability, agitation, and hyperactivity that may develop.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
THE ART OF PARENTING
Parenting is an art. There are no manuals to give us all the answers. Sometimes we learn through trial and error. The key for parents is to not continue doing the same things repeatedly that don't work. Try a different approach. Remember that mistakes are a necessary function of change. The goal of parenting is to help your children develop a sense of autonomy. Teaching them to be self-directed and responsible means that one must learn not to underfunction or overfunction as a parent. Underfunctioning or being an "absent parent" leaves a child feeling alone without support. The lack of encouragement, nurturing, and affirmation can have a detrimental impact on a child's current behavior.
Many parents overfunction in the process of parenting. They get overly involved in every aspect of their child's life. They vicariously live their lives through their children. I always tell my parents, "Never do for a child what he can do for himself." Children learn to manipulate overfunctioning parents to get what they want. Since overfuntioning parents fear the disapproval of their children, they cater and give in to their wants and needs even if they are unreasonable requests. Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapist used to remark, "Kids need to be appropriately frustrated." What he meant was that overparenting creates an environment whereby children do not learn the skills necessary for self-regulation. Sometimes we need to let our kids figure things out without interference.
Parents often tend to parent the way they were disciplined. This may involve some archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today's world with children. For parents, this may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes a parent will swallow the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. As parents we need to get in touch with the kid within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn't fun, then we need to grieve it and vow to make things different for our own children. If our "inner parent" is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectations for our children. The inner critic is full or moral injunctions and is the judge and jury of our behavior. Parents need to get in touch with the critic, understand its contents and then detach from the oughts, musts and shoulds. Parents will want to rationally respond to the inner critic with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process will assist in clearing up the "muddy water" when it comes to coaching and advising our children.
In parenting, using positive reinforcement when your child gets things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child to do something for you. Asking kids to make value judgments about choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, "Is what you're doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from the teacher?" Do not accept excuses, such as I hate this teacher, or I forgot to do some assignments. State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making him accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or with a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how he will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat detached and persistent. Remember, parenting is an art.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer for familyresource.com, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Many parents overfunction in the process of parenting. They get overly involved in every aspect of their child's life. They vicariously live their lives through their children. I always tell my parents, "Never do for a child what he can do for himself." Children learn to manipulate overfunctioning parents to get what they want. Since overfuntioning parents fear the disapproval of their children, they cater and give in to their wants and needs even if they are unreasonable requests. Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapist used to remark, "Kids need to be appropriately frustrated." What he meant was that overparenting creates an environment whereby children do not learn the skills necessary for self-regulation. Sometimes we need to let our kids figure things out without interference.
Parents often tend to parent the way they were disciplined. This may involve some archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today's world with children. For parents, this may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes a parent will swallow the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. As parents we need to get in touch with the kid within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn't fun, then we need to grieve it and vow to make things different for our own children. If our "inner parent" is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectations for our children. The inner critic is full or moral injunctions and is the judge and jury of our behavior. Parents need to get in touch with the critic, understand its contents and then detach from the oughts, musts and shoulds. Parents will want to rationally respond to the inner critic with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process will assist in clearing up the "muddy water" when it comes to coaching and advising our children.
In parenting, using positive reinforcement when your child gets things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child to do something for you. Asking kids to make value judgments about choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, "Is what you're doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from the teacher?" Do not accept excuses, such as I hate this teacher, or I forgot to do some assignments. State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making him accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or with a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how he will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat detached and persistent. Remember, parenting is an art.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer for familyresource.com, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
MY BOOK: A NECESSARY PART OF ME
Several years ago I had some time on my hands. I was trapped in working in a mental health agency that was not functioning well. I was merely one of many therapist’s trying to make a living – but I was unhappy. The overall business environment was struggling and I was apart of it.
Since I was a part-time provider, I began to think of ways that I could manage my time between patients. I remembered that my Uncle Eddie had written a manuscript, but never had it published. I recall my parents talking about “the dream that never materialized.”
I always loved to write, and as long as I can recall (like Eddie) I had a desire to write a book. I felt that it was a “calling”, a passion, and apart of my legacy to accomplish the publication of a book.
So, in those lonely moments in my office that I despised, I started writing. This was a journey of self-discovery. I wrote about the nature of what I do best – help people manage their problems. Not only did I write about others’ problems, I chose to write about my own. I felt that it was only fair that my patients and readers knew the “real me.”
My writing was a pilgrimage that took me through the wilderness of human suffering and healing. I tapped into the resources of my clinical expertise, and wrote about how life looked for those who struggled and confronted everyday challenges. I wrote about the courage, the risk, and the passion that is necessary for personal growth and development to occur.
Redeeming my time was important to me. I began to build confidence in my writing and sensed the emergence of a manuscript. I put the finishing touches on my work and submitted it for publication. Rather than endure the long wait for a traditional publisher, I decided to self-publish through http://www.booklocker.com.
I am grateful that I did not wait. The rewards of self-publishing have been worth it. Many now know the story of who I am as a therapist and some of the issues that I have overcome in my struggles with life. I am so thankful that this aspect of my legacy is now complete. Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is finally a reality.
I am now self-employed as a private practice counselor in a new office and I have never looked back. I continue to write frequently. I am pleased that I had the time during a gloomy season in my life to finish a necessary part of my personal and professional history.
Often people play out their lives without ever completing their dreams. People will live in the world of their regrets – “if only”, “I should have”, or “why didn’t I?” But life is too short. The fear of passing time may create an urgency about finishing the tapestry of our life. We must listen to that urgent voice and complete our unfinished business. It is imperative that we don’t wait, don’t procrastinate, or make excuses, but act on our inner convictions to accomplish all that we are capable of being.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, a contributing writer for familyresource.com and a therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released his first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Since I was a part-time provider, I began to think of ways that I could manage my time between patients. I remembered that my Uncle Eddie had written a manuscript, but never had it published. I recall my parents talking about “the dream that never materialized.”
I always loved to write, and as long as I can recall (like Eddie) I had a desire to write a book. I felt that it was a “calling”, a passion, and apart of my legacy to accomplish the publication of a book.
So, in those lonely moments in my office that I despised, I started writing. This was a journey of self-discovery. I wrote about the nature of what I do best – help people manage their problems. Not only did I write about others’ problems, I chose to write about my own. I felt that it was only fair that my patients and readers knew the “real me.”
My writing was a pilgrimage that took me through the wilderness of human suffering and healing. I tapped into the resources of my clinical expertise, and wrote about how life looked for those who struggled and confronted everyday challenges. I wrote about the courage, the risk, and the passion that is necessary for personal growth and development to occur.
Redeeming my time was important to me. I began to build confidence in my writing and sensed the emergence of a manuscript. I put the finishing touches on my work and submitted it for publication. Rather than endure the long wait for a traditional publisher, I decided to self-publish through http://www.booklocker.com.
I am grateful that I did not wait. The rewards of self-publishing have been worth it. Many now know the story of who I am as a therapist and some of the issues that I have overcome in my struggles with life. I am so thankful that this aspect of my legacy is now complete. Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is finally a reality.
I am now self-employed as a private practice counselor in a new office and I have never looked back. I continue to write frequently. I am pleased that I had the time during a gloomy season in my life to finish a necessary part of my personal and professional history.
Often people play out their lives without ever completing their dreams. People will live in the world of their regrets – “if only”, “I should have”, or “why didn’t I?” But life is too short. The fear of passing time may create an urgency about finishing the tapestry of our life. We must listen to that urgent voice and complete our unfinished business. It is imperative that we don’t wait, don’t procrastinate, or make excuses, but act on our inner convictions to accomplish all that we are capable of being.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, a contributing writer for familyresource.com and a therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released his first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
REFLECTIONS ON AUTHENTICITY
Stepping out of the bubble and learning to be transparent is an important step in personal growth. One may say, “I want you to accept the part of me that appears unacceptable, because that is all I have.” The healing comes when the person realizes that their less than admirable side can be integrated into the whole of their personality. “I am good enough. I can live within my own skin.”
Authentic people demonstrate integrity. They are honest with themselves and others and are respected for their values and convictions. They are not afraid to tell you who they are. There is a transparency about the way they communicate. You really know these people. You don’t have to try to get to know them. They radiate enthusiasm and positive energy. They understand their limitations and utilize their strengths. They are a joy be around. Authentic people are relaxed because they are not afraid of what other think of them. They recognize that their inner voice is more convincing and important than all the other clamoring voices in their sphere of influence. They are not afraid to make difficult decisions, after recognizing what the consequences might be. They stay out of the bubble because life is more enriching and fulfilling.
Those who are authentic understand their limits. They perform within a set of reasonable boundaries. They are not unrealistic about expectations for themselves and others. They do not get caught up in the burden of other’s feelings. They are able to stay appropriately detached. They are neither too weak nor arrogant. They are not overly impressed by their own success and material possessions, and do not compare their worth or financial status with others. They treat people with respect regardless of one’s economic status or financial resources.
Sheldon B. Kopp, author and psychotherapist used to say, “No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else. The moment we think we are, we have deceived ourselves.” Authenticity means learning to accept our place in life. Authentic people live rather effortlessly, without striving, anticipating, or comparing themselves to others.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Authentic people demonstrate integrity. They are honest with themselves and others and are respected for their values and convictions. They are not afraid to tell you who they are. There is a transparency about the way they communicate. You really know these people. You don’t have to try to get to know them. They radiate enthusiasm and positive energy. They understand their limitations and utilize their strengths. They are a joy be around. Authentic people are relaxed because they are not afraid of what other think of them. They recognize that their inner voice is more convincing and important than all the other clamoring voices in their sphere of influence. They are not afraid to make difficult decisions, after recognizing what the consequences might be. They stay out of the bubble because life is more enriching and fulfilling.
Those who are authentic understand their limits. They perform within a set of reasonable boundaries. They are not unrealistic about expectations for themselves and others. They do not get caught up in the burden of other’s feelings. They are able to stay appropriately detached. They are neither too weak nor arrogant. They are not overly impressed by their own success and material possessions, and do not compare their worth or financial status with others. They treat people with respect regardless of one’s economic status or financial resources.
Sheldon B. Kopp, author and psychotherapist used to say, “No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else. The moment we think we are, we have deceived ourselves.” Authenticity means learning to accept our place in life. Authentic people live rather effortlessly, without striving, anticipating, or comparing themselves to others.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. His book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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