HOW TO PROMOTE BABY BONDING

Recently my daughter came to visit me with her one year old daughter, Malia. I was so excited to see them. They came to visit as my daughter was involved in some business matters. Amy was selected to accept a marketing award for her company for a plan she orchestrated involving a high-rise condominium in Washington, D.C.

The night of the awards ceremony, my daughter left Malia alone with me. As Amy walked out the door for the evening, Malia stood next to me and began sobbing. Tears filled her little face as she fell to the floor. I watched with curiosity. Abruptly, Malia shook off her distress, got up and meandered into our family room.

Sensing that she was over her troubled feelings about her mother’s departure, I proceeded to check some e-mail messages in my office. Soon afterwards, as I glanced back across my shoulder, I observed this little figure approaching me with a very big book. Malia was pointing at the book and making sounds that let me clearly know that she wanted it read. She gently handed me the book and then she surprised me. With arms wide open, she was gesturing for me to hold her. I took her into my arms and read her favorite book about spring-time flowers. After we read the story and looked at all the pictures, she nestled into my arms. I put a blanket around us and relished the moments of bonding with my baby granddaughter.

Afterwards, I thought about what my daughter was doing right, and ways in which all mothers can foster their child’s bonding:

Don’t “put the breaks” on your life. As soon as possible, take your baby outside the home. Put your child in a stroller, and resume normal activity. Go shopping, walking, do errands, and take your baby to be around other children.
Don’t react to temper tantrums. Don’t display anxiousness, anger, or a desire to fix things for your child. Maintain a sense of detachment, wait patiently, and move on.
Don’t get hooked into over-dramatizing when your child gets hurt. Kids can “read” a parent’s anxiety and will learn to “awfulize” negative events.
Never do for a child what he can do for himself. Let your baby experience frustration about handling play tasks without interference. Appropriate frustration teaches self-reliance.
Get your baby involved with other children and adults. Don’t worry if your baby is cautious at first. Keep exposing him to new social situations.
If you drop your child off at a day-care center or baby-sitter, promptly leave. Don’t get caught up in worrying about any emotional fallout that your baby might experience.
If you are married or have a partner, make sure that your connection does not get short-changed because of the baby. You need to have alone-time, so hire a baby sitter you trust.
Your partner needs to be involved in every aspect of your baby’s care. If he is unwilling, he should seek counseling to address the issue. It is that important.
Displaying affection to your baby is critical. Put your negative energy aside, and have fun with your baby. Make mundane experiences like changing a diaper a playful event.
Surround your child with stimulating toys, games, dolls and activities. Take your baby to the zoo, ball-games, art fairs, and social events.
Read to your child often, and play soft, soothing music for comfort.
Read up on child-care topics to develop self-confidence and choose your pediatrician wisely.
Remember that parenting is an art, and that mistakes will be made. As the Good Book says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”

Babies will bond with others when they are given the freedom to do so. Don’t get so caught up in “stranger danger” that you inhibit your child from learning ways to connect with others.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. The book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.

MOMS WHO HAVE THE BABY JITTERS

Although I personally have never given birth to a baby, I have “heard” that it is not an easy task. At least that’s what my wife tells me, and I don’t question her assessment for a moment! It is a profoundly difficult event for a mother.

After the baby is born, how does a mother navigate the equally difficult task of parenting her new child? Even for those of us who have studied child development, or the art of parenting, what plan of action is necessary to make sure that a child is nurtured and cared for without undue anxiousness and stress on the part of the mother?

Often, a mother who is anxious about parenting will over-function by be overly-protective. A mother who lacks confidence will display her tentativeness with her baby in many ways. A mother may withhold the baby from other children, adults, and social situations outside of the home. Withholding the child from other potential caretakers, such as relatives, day-care programs, and friends may also pose a problem. Often, a mother may over-react to a baby’s symptoms or illnesses through repeated visits to the doctor’s office. Another potential problem may be protecting the baby from exploring his environment and developing natural curiosity. The jitters may show when a mother is excessively reactive to her child if the baby cries or sustains a minor injury. A tentative mother may be afraid to establish logical consequences for a toddler when she misbehaves. Being overly-emotionally attached to the baby or displaying the opposite pattern of detachment can create problems. There are also those mothers who avoid delegating responsibilities to significant others. There may be the jitters about the perception “that others can’t manage my child as well as I can.”

Most of these problems can be alleviated if you have appropriate support. For example:

How much emotional and practical support do you receive from your partner? Telling your partner (if you have one) what you need and want from him in terms of caretaking is important.
Are you giving yourself time for your own personal needs, interests and desires apart from your baby? Carving out time for yourself is important to maintaining a strong sense of self and rejuvenating your emotional battery.
Do you lean on parents, friends, or neighbors to assist you in the parenting of your child?
Do you have a quality pediatrician who will answer your questions and return your calls without making you feel neurotic? The choice of doctors is important in making you and your baby feel secure.

It is not unusual that I find a process of triangulation established when a baby becomes the buffer for a couple’s relationship that is strained. This unnecessary stress may cause a mother to cling co-dependently to her child in order to get her needs met. This pattern is unhealthy for the entire family. I recommend couples counseling in order to promote relationship harmony and unlock partners from this damaging interactional pattern.

The concept that “it takes a village to raise a child” is not far from the truth. Young children need the support of the entire family community. If the family is broken due to strained relationships, fix it for the well-being of your baby. You and your child will need parenting, nurturing, coaching, encouragement, and a host of mentors along the path of your child’s development. There is no need to have the parental jitters if you can utilize all the resources of the village.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. The book can be purchased at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.