Recently my daughter came to visit me with her one year old daughter, Malia. I was so excited to see them. They came to visit as my daughter was involved in some business matters. Amy was selected to accept a marketing award for her company for a plan she orchestrated involving a high-rise condominium in Washington, D.C.
The night of the awards ceremony, my daughter left Malia alone with me. As Amy walked out the door for the evening, Malia stood next to me and began sobbing. Tears filled her little face as she fell to the floor. I watched with curiosity. Abruptly, Malia shook off her distress, got up and meandered into our family room.
Sensing that she was over her troubled feelings about her mother’s departure, I proceeded to check some e-mail messages in my office. Soon afterwards, as I glanced back across my shoulder, I observed this little figure approaching me with a very big book. Malia was pointing at the book and making sounds that let me clearly know that she wanted it read. She gently handed me the book and then she surprised me. With arms wide open, she was gesturing for me to hold her. I took her into my arms and read her favorite book about spring-time flowers. After we read the story and looked at all the pictures, she nestled into my arms. I put a blanket around us and relished the moments of bonding with my baby granddaughter.
Afterwards, I thought about what my daughter was doing right, and ways in which all mothers can foster their child’s bonding:
Don’t “put the breaks” on your life. As soon as possible, take your baby outside the home. Put your child in a stroller, and resume normal activity. Go shopping, walking, do errands, and take your baby to be around other children.
Don’t react to temper tantrums. Don’t display anxiousness, anger, or a desire to fix things for your child. Maintain a sense of detachment, wait patiently, and move on.
Don’t get hooked into over-dramatizing when your child gets hurt. Kids can “read” a parent’s anxiety and will learn to “awfulize” negative events.
Never do for a child what he can do for himself. Let your baby experience frustration about handling play tasks without interference. Appropriate frustration teaches self-reliance.
Get your baby involved with other children and adults. Don’t worry if your baby is cautious at first. Keep exposing him to new social situations.
If you drop your child off at a day-care center or baby-sitter, promptly leave. Don’t get caught up in worrying about any emotional fallout that your baby might experience.
If you are married or have a partner, make sure that your connection does not get short-changed because of the baby. You need to have alone-time, so hire a baby sitter you trust.
Your partner needs to be involved in every aspect of your baby’s care. If he is unwilling, he should seek counseling to address the issue. It is that important.
Displaying affection to your baby is critical. Put your negative energy aside, and have fun with your baby. Make mundane experiences like changing a diaper a playful event.
Surround your child with stimulating toys, games, dolls and activities. Take your baby to the zoo, ball-games, art fairs, and social events.
Read to your child often, and play soft, soothing music for comfort.
Read up on child-care topics to develop self-confidence and choose your pediatrician wisely.
Remember that parenting is an art, and that mistakes will be made. As the Good Book says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”
Babies will bond with others when they are given the freedom to do so. Don’t get so caught up in “stranger danger” that you inhibit your child from learning ways to connect with others.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He recently released his new book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. The book is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.
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