Where Has Common Courtesy Gone?

Whatever happened to the concept of personal courtesy? I keep waiting for consideration to return, but I’m not holding my breath. The “human touch”, complete with decency, civility and proper etiquette appears to have vanished. Often, these cherished values have been replaced with isolation, unkindness, insensitivity, poor manners, and excuse-making.

Since I am a behavioral health provider, I recently contacted a managed care organization to check on some billing information for a patient. Most MCO’s now have a voice prompt menu which serves to conveniently block the provider from reaching a live customer service agent. The automated menu responds with, “Please say your tax identification number.” I go ahead and provide the number. They repeat the number back to me and then the machine asks me, “Is the tax identification number correct or incorrect?” I respond with “correct.” The prompt responds with, “I’m sorry I did not hear your tax identification number correctly. Please repeat.” I repeat the process and the prompts continue to block me from moving through the system. I finally press the zero key on my phone, hoping to bypass the menu and get an agent, but the system does not permit it. Through personal ingenuity, I finally find a way to reach a human agent. To my dismay, I am asked to repeat any information I provided on the prompts. I am then subjected to a written customer disclaimer script and then my call is placed on hold. This cost containment strategy is one example of the type of incivility that most Americans are exposed to in the process of trying to get their needs met.

There are other everyday examples of individual’s incivility. For instance, what about drivers who tailgate and drive carelessly while using a cell phone? How about those who make mistakes and yet refuse to acknowledge their failures? People rarely say they are sorry for hurting and offending others. What happened to a firm handshake and a smile during an introduction? What about gestures such as sending greeting cards to friends, recognizing family and friend’s birthdays and other special occasions, keeping in touch with loved ones, and learning how to forgive oneself and others for being less than perfect.

Have you ever endlessly waited in a restaurant for a friend to show up? When they arrive, do they provide a volley of excuses for being late? Promptness takes planning and consideration for the feelings of others. Promptness shows our family and friends the degree to which we cherish our relationships.

It seems like Americans are in a hurry. I’m not sure where people are going, but the speed and volume of life has been turned up. The frantic pace of living causes people to become insensitive to others. How many times have people in their haste to get somewhere fail to open a door for others? How many times have drivers forbidden you to make a lane change when they are fully aware that you are signaling for entrance? How many people are inconsiderate in canceling appointments without providing 24 hour notice to service providers? How many children show a selfish sense of entitlement, lacking a sense of gratitude for what they have been given?

Demonstrating etiquette or good manners appears to have been lost in our current way of living. Little gestures like saying “thank you,” showing kindness to others (especially toward special needs individuals), and showing proper manners needs to be resurrected.

We need the kind of civility which requires us to think more about the needs of others than our own desires. That may involve taking on volunteer service, going out of our way for friends and family members, and supporting those who are grieving significant losses. Our care and concern for others must not be conditional. It cannot be contingent upon others responses to our deeds. We need to learn to display care and concern for others because it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because others appreciate our efforts. We act with kindness because it is apart of our character, not because we assume others will value our efforts. We do it anyway, even if our efforts are not always appreciated.

As a society, we need to get back to the basics of kindness, rules of etiquette, sensitivity, and consideration for others. Many of us feel isolated due to a lack of connectedness. In this impersonal world, we must all strive to make us all feel more like a global family. We can accomplish this by showing the human touch rather than the automated responses characteristic of our current culture.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.