My personal experience has led me to propose a theory about the life-changing passages affecting my life and other men. Contrary to the writings of those who specialize in adult development, I believe that men are entitled to two mid-life crises rather than the one we all talk about. One transitional passage is not enough for most men. The second passage, not previously explored, allows my comrades to make necessary changes that were not resolved during the first crisis. According to my theory, the first mid-life crisis is designed to provide men with the opportunity to act like rebellious teenagers. It is an emotional transition which grants the experiencer a means for throwing aspects of his life overboard. As he plays with newly discovered toys, he sifts through the “why” of his life and determines what’s worth hanging onto. This existential process which involves reflecting on one’s meaning and purpose may result in dramatic life changes. People in a man’s way may be unintentionally hurt as he reflects on the psychological forces affecting his life.
The second, and milder crisis, is one that has been ignored by scholars who seek to understand human behavior. I call it the “cosmetic crisis.” As a man reaches his AARP years, he begins to get the hint that women are no longer looking at him in an endearing manner. He discovers that his physicians and clients look more like teenagers than adults. He comes to the conclusion that an older man can no longer gauge the age of other people. He finds that his short term memory begins to fade; and as he peers into a mirror, he has images of his parents looking a lot like him not too long ago. His body begins to fail as he finds himself peeing more often, sagging in unappealing places, gaining weight, and growing breasts along with hair in all the wrong places. His eyes appear puffy, his hairline recedes, and he struggles to get out of bed in the morning due to unusual aches and pains. The mid-life man begins to yearn for the days of his youth. He pulls out old pictures of himself which are reminders of his youthful potency. With desperation, he begins the grieving process over the loss of his youthful physical prowess.
These deteriorating changes in physical image ultimately lead to the emergence of the second mid-life crisis. Prior to my 60th birthday, I decided that I’d had enough. I needed a new me. I had seen an advertisement on television touting the benefits of “Hollywood hair.” As the infomercial explained, this was not a hair transplant, but a “hair system” consisting of real hair follicles. I became curious because I liked the idea of being able to make my hair look the way I wanted it to look. After much agonizing, I took the leap and decided to let the hairstylists remake me. My wife supported me in this passage and liked the finished product. She said she thought I looked too cute. My comment to her was, “So what did I look like before this project started?” My clients were somewhat confused because the blend looks pretty natural. Many would say, “I like your new hairdo.” When I told a few of my clients what I had done, they gave the look a thumbs-up.
My next goal was to compliment my new hair with an earring. Why not? I had remembered when my son purchased an earring and how I felt about it at the time. He wore it as he toured the country playing in drum and bugle corp. That way, I didn’t have to see it very often. Now it was my turn. I concluded that it is never too late to turn back the clock. But this venture took immense courage. I stalled for months as my wife kept encouraging me to get my ear pierced. I didn’t even know which ear was supposed to be pierced. My wife said, “If your straight, left ear, if you’re gay right ear.” “But what if you’re not sure? I told my wife.
Earring day finally arrived. We headed for Claire’s Boutique incognito. We went early because I was hoping that no one would be in the store other than the employees. I sheepishly told the clerk what I wanted and she told me sit in a stool which faced the window to the mall – so much for anonymity. To make matters worse, there were two ten year old girls in the store with a mother who wanted to see the “piercing procedure.” Both of these young ladies were contemplating getting their ears pierced and asked me if I would be their role model for this painful process. With eyes wide open, these two darling girls watched the pinching of my ear. I tried to be a big boy and act like it didn’t hurt.
My next mid-life hurdle was dealing with my children’s reaction as they had flown into Scottsdale for my 60th birthday. When my son first saw me, he cracked up. There are no words to express the look on his face. He proceeded to give me my payback for the browbeating I gave him about his adolescent experiment on his left ear. In desperation I exclaimed, “I can do anything I want, I’m 60 years old! My friend did a great job of convincing my 92 year old mother that my mental faculties are still intact. His support helped her to stop perseverating about my well-being.
Men, don’t forget the second mid-life crisis. Although human behavior experts don’t acknowledge this passage, you are entitled to it no matter what others may think. Remember, you can be innovative in recreating yourself cosmetically. It’s never too late to develop a new you.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Saturday, March 03, 2007
IS AMERICA SLEEP WALKING THROUGH ITS POLITICAL ISSUES?
A patient of mine recently experienced an unusual problem. Apparently, she got out of bed in the middle of the night, walked outside into her garage and entered her sports car. She was changing her car clock when her partner, who was in a panic, located her in the car. My patient was awakened by her partner and was confused and bewildered as they left the garage to resume their evening’s sleep.
Sleep walking is not an unusual pattern. For many, it is an infrequent occurrence, but for others it is a lifelong experience. Recently, I have been wondering about the manner in which many of our citizens are “sleep walking” through the impact of our political landscape. As a society, we appear to be distracted and asleep at the wheel. It seems as if there is a chronic pathology among of our people characterized by naivety, indifference, and a lack of awareness to political and cultural issues.
I recall Jay Leno canvassing the streets of Los Angeles trying to find one American who could tell him how many Supreme Court justices serve on our highest bench and to identify one of their names. The responses were pathetic and called attention to the lack of political awareness of our citizenry. Recently, as my wife and I boarded a plane to return to Arizona, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was sitting in the third row of the plane. I was not aware of one on-coming passenger who seemed to recognize her or acknowledge her presence. When we deplaned and headed for the luggage area, while other passengers appeared to be oblivious to the relevance of the situation, I proceeded to introduce myself and carry on a brief conversation with her. As one of my 15 year old patients once said, “Why should I care about politics, I can’t change anything anyway.” Nevertheless, it is my belief that feeling powerless is never an excuse for sleeping through the political process.
Although I certainly respect and support our current troops deployed in Iraq and other locations, there is something quite disturbing about the false sense of patriotism displayed by Americans. For example, I believe many of us have trivialized the concept of war through the simplistic use of bumper stickers, ribbons and other insignias signifying troop support. What do these symbols really mean for most Americans? Are they true signs of patriotism by those who fully understand the impact and implications of our current war in Iraq? My brother, who was a Lieutenant and company commander in Viet Nam cringes at the naivety and lack of awareness that many Americans possess about the nature of terrorism, combat and military missions. Maybe if the military adopted a conscription policy, some Americans might rethink their form of patriotism? Maybe if they knew their own children would be subject to going off to Baghdad, they would reconsider the way they demonstrate their loyalty to our military efforts. You might recall what happened when the President tried to make nice with Congressman Jim Webb over the involvement of Mr. Webb’s son in the Iraq war. Congressman Webb bluntly told the President to mind his own business.
Americans tend to believe that if they project an image of patriotism, they are exempt from a deeper understanding of the implications of the war in Iraq. How many of our people are aware of how our wounded soldiers are being treated at Building #18 in Walter Reed Hospital? Do we understand that the hospital is under constant review for improper patient treatment and deplorable conditions? Are we aware that inpatient soldiers have complained about the unsanitary conditions at the hospital including rodents infesting the environment? How many in the Bush administration or Congress are aware of the conditions our soldiers are subjected to and do they care? Would any of us send our loved ones to heal in an environment like that? Is this how we support our troops? Shouldn’t we all be concerned about this issue? Instead we sleep walk through the military and political debate over the mission and purposes of the Iraq war. We believe that the political voices in Washington D.C. are more competent and convincing than our own. We take the easy way out from committing ourselves to being patriotic in the truest since of the word. We must walk the walk through political action, not words.
Will we sleep walk though the debate on global warming as our oil companies try to pay off researchers so they will reinterpret their findings to soften the implications of global warming? We minimize the problem by either ignoring it or by pretending to care by talking about minutiae such as using HOV lanes and not burning wood in our fireplaces as means of eradicating the problem of pollution. Is Al Gore’s documentary, Inconvenient Truth, really that inconvenient that we are willing to deny its truth? Our war in Iraq will continue to kill and maim many, but global warming has the potential to kill us all. Will we sleep walk through this problem by displaying our symbolic bumper stickers or will we attack the problem with action? It will not be the terrorists who do us in, for the enemy is at home.
Americans can no longer afford to sleep walk through the critical political issues that we face globally. Our indifference, lack of awareness, denial, shallowness, and lack of motivation will only serve to escalate the dangers that we confront. It will not be “the axis of evil” that consumes us but our own ignorance and laziness.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sleep walking is not an unusual pattern. For many, it is an infrequent occurrence, but for others it is a lifelong experience. Recently, I have been wondering about the manner in which many of our citizens are “sleep walking” through the impact of our political landscape. As a society, we appear to be distracted and asleep at the wheel. It seems as if there is a chronic pathology among of our people characterized by naivety, indifference, and a lack of awareness to political and cultural issues.
I recall Jay Leno canvassing the streets of Los Angeles trying to find one American who could tell him how many Supreme Court justices serve on our highest bench and to identify one of their names. The responses were pathetic and called attention to the lack of political awareness of our citizenry. Recently, as my wife and I boarded a plane to return to Arizona, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was sitting in the third row of the plane. I was not aware of one on-coming passenger who seemed to recognize her or acknowledge her presence. When we deplaned and headed for the luggage area, while other passengers appeared to be oblivious to the relevance of the situation, I proceeded to introduce myself and carry on a brief conversation with her. As one of my 15 year old patients once said, “Why should I care about politics, I can’t change anything anyway.” Nevertheless, it is my belief that feeling powerless is never an excuse for sleeping through the political process.
Although I certainly respect and support our current troops deployed in Iraq and other locations, there is something quite disturbing about the false sense of patriotism displayed by Americans. For example, I believe many of us have trivialized the concept of war through the simplistic use of bumper stickers, ribbons and other insignias signifying troop support. What do these symbols really mean for most Americans? Are they true signs of patriotism by those who fully understand the impact and implications of our current war in Iraq? My brother, who was a Lieutenant and company commander in Viet Nam cringes at the naivety and lack of awareness that many Americans possess about the nature of terrorism, combat and military missions. Maybe if the military adopted a conscription policy, some Americans might rethink their form of patriotism? Maybe if they knew their own children would be subject to going off to Baghdad, they would reconsider the way they demonstrate their loyalty to our military efforts. You might recall what happened when the President tried to make nice with Congressman Jim Webb over the involvement of Mr. Webb’s son in the Iraq war. Congressman Webb bluntly told the President to mind his own business.
Americans tend to believe that if they project an image of patriotism, they are exempt from a deeper understanding of the implications of the war in Iraq. How many of our people are aware of how our wounded soldiers are being treated at Building #18 in Walter Reed Hospital? Do we understand that the hospital is under constant review for improper patient treatment and deplorable conditions? Are we aware that inpatient soldiers have complained about the unsanitary conditions at the hospital including rodents infesting the environment? How many in the Bush administration or Congress are aware of the conditions our soldiers are subjected to and do they care? Would any of us send our loved ones to heal in an environment like that? Is this how we support our troops? Shouldn’t we all be concerned about this issue? Instead we sleep walk through the military and political debate over the mission and purposes of the Iraq war. We believe that the political voices in Washington D.C. are more competent and convincing than our own. We take the easy way out from committing ourselves to being patriotic in the truest since of the word. We must walk the walk through political action, not words.
Will we sleep walk though the debate on global warming as our oil companies try to pay off researchers so they will reinterpret their findings to soften the implications of global warming? We minimize the problem by either ignoring it or by pretending to care by talking about minutiae such as using HOV lanes and not burning wood in our fireplaces as means of eradicating the problem of pollution. Is Al Gore’s documentary, Inconvenient Truth, really that inconvenient that we are willing to deny its truth? Our war in Iraq will continue to kill and maim many, but global warming has the potential to kill us all. Will we sleep walk through this problem by displaying our symbolic bumper stickers or will we attack the problem with action? It will not be the terrorists who do us in, for the enemy is at home.
Americans can no longer afford to sleep walk through the critical political issues that we face globally. Our indifference, lack of awareness, denial, shallowness, and lack of motivation will only serve to escalate the dangers that we confront. It will not be “the axis of evil” that consumes us but our own ignorance and laziness.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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