IF THE EARRING FITS, WEAR IT

My personal experience has led me to propose a theory about the life-changing passages affecting my life and other men. Contrary to the writings of those who specialize in adult development, I believe that men are entitled to two mid-life crises rather than the one we all talk about. One transitional passage is not enough for most men. The second passage, not previously explored, allows my comrades to make necessary changes that were not resolved during the first crisis. According to my theory, the first mid-life crisis is designed to provide men with the opportunity to act like rebellious teenagers. It is an emotional transition which grants the experiencer a means for throwing aspects of his life overboard. As he plays with newly discovered toys, he sifts through the “why” of his life and determines what’s worth hanging onto. This existential process which involves reflecting on one’s meaning and purpose may result in dramatic life changes. People in a man’s way may be unintentionally hurt as he reflects on the psychological forces affecting his life.

The second, and milder crisis, is one that has been ignored by scholars who seek to understand human behavior. I call it the “cosmetic crisis.” As a man reaches his AARP years, he begins to get the hint that women are no longer looking at him in an endearing manner. He discovers that his physicians and clients look more like teenagers than adults. He comes to the conclusion that an older man can no longer gauge the age of other people. He finds that his short term memory begins to fade; and as he peers into a mirror, he has images of his parents looking a lot like him not too long ago. His body begins to fail as he finds himself peeing more often, sagging in unappealing places, gaining weight, and growing breasts along with hair in all the wrong places. His eyes appear puffy, his hairline recedes, and he struggles to get out of bed in the morning due to unusual aches and pains. The mid-life man begins to yearn for the days of his youth. He pulls out old pictures of himself which are reminders of his youthful potency. With desperation, he begins the grieving process over the loss of his youthful physical prowess.

These deteriorating changes in physical image ultimately lead to the emergence of the second mid-life crisis. Prior to my 60th birthday, I decided that I’d had enough. I needed a new me. I had seen an advertisement on television touting the benefits of “Hollywood hair.” As the infomercial explained, this was not a hair transplant, but a “hair system” consisting of real hair follicles. I became curious because I liked the idea of being able to make my hair look the way I wanted it to look. After much agonizing, I took the leap and decided to let the hairstylists remake me. My wife supported me in this passage and liked the finished product. She said she thought I looked too cute. My comment to her was, “So what did I look like before this project started?” My clients were somewhat confused because the blend looks pretty natural. Many would say, “I like your new hairdo.” When I told a few of my clients what I had done, they gave the look a thumbs-up.

My next goal was to compliment my new hair with an earring. Why not? I had remembered when my son purchased an earring and how I felt about it at the time. He wore it as he toured the country playing in drum and bugle corp. That way, I didn’t have to see it very often. Now it was my turn. I concluded that it is never too late to turn back the clock. But this venture took immense courage. I stalled for months as my wife kept encouraging me to get my ear pierced. I didn’t even know which ear was supposed to be pierced. My wife said, “If your straight, left ear, if you’re gay right ear.” “But what if you’re not sure? I told my wife.

Earring day finally arrived. We headed for Claire’s Boutique incognito. We went early because I was hoping that no one would be in the store other than the employees. I sheepishly told the clerk what I wanted and she told me sit in a stool which faced the window to the mall – so much for anonymity. To make matters worse, there were two ten year old girls in the store with a mother who wanted to see the “piercing procedure.” Both of these young ladies were contemplating getting their ears pierced and asked me if I would be their role model for this painful process. With eyes wide open, these two darling girls watched the pinching of my ear. I tried to be a big boy and act like it didn’t hurt.

My next mid-life hurdle was dealing with my children’s reaction as they had flown into Scottsdale for my 60th birthday. When my son first saw me, he cracked up. There are no words to express the look on his face. He proceeded to give me my payback for the browbeating I gave him about his adolescent experiment on his left ear. In desperation I exclaimed, “I can do anything I want, I’m 60 years old! My friend did a great job of convincing my 92 year old mother that my mental faculties are still intact. His support helped her to stop perseverating about my well-being.

Men, don’t forget the second mid-life crisis. Although human behavior experts don’t acknowledge this passage, you are entitled to it no matter what others may think. Remember, you can be innovative in recreating yourself cosmetically. It’s never too late to develop a new you.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.