HOW TO FEEL GOOD WITHOUT TRYING SO HARD

Most people want to feel good, but they may hinder their efforts in creating a sense of well-being. In their desire to feel better, individuals assume that they must try harder to create happiness. “Avis, we try harder” characterizes their mantra. Unfortunately, those who strive to feel better, often end up defeating their own purposes.

When it comes to emotional balance, setting the expectation bar too high, excessively pushing oneself, and feeling a need to be in control of all of life’s circumstances can create unnecessary pressure and anxiety. Learning assumptions related to “the law of reverse effort” are important to living a peaceful existence. This calls to recognition the concept of mindfulness, the Eastern philosophy for staying in present experience.

Often, people associate mindfulness with inactivity or passivity although quite the opposite is true. Mindfulness is a proactive process filled with energy and conscious learning. We must take our journey “down stream” rather than continuously striving to force change. We must learn to let things be the way they are.

Often, we view life as a challenging chess game to be mastered. We will talk about doing things the “right” way, fearing and anticipating mistake-making. We may fear that if we were to lose control, our world would collapse like a house of cards. We may fight to stay in control and yet experience the feeling of being out of control. Our personality may be so tightly wound that pulling one string from the ball of yarn may make the sufferer feel like everything is unraveling.

To feel good, we must transform certain underlying assumptions that affect our state of mind:

Cease trying to please everybody because it is impossible.
Give up trying to control every situation because it is unrealistic.
Learn to set limits and back off from performing to get approval from others.
Find inner-validation rather than seeking it from others.
Welcome new challenges and risks and refuse to fear rejection and mistake-making.
Give up the notion that there is a “right” way to do everything.
Life is a series of problems to be solved, not a competitive game requiring closure.
Remove our narrow concept of success. After all, what do we want to be remembered for when we are no longer around? Do we want to be remembered for our exemplary performance or the quality of our character?
Remember that showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but of courage.
Replace our either/or thinking; either I must be totally in control of matters or I will be completely out of control.
Forgive ourselves for our past and refuse to anxiously anticipate the future.

Feeling good involves untwisting negative thinking based upon the assumptions listed above. Often, this process does not happen until we “bottom out” with depression and anxiety. We can’t get out of the trap until we sink into it. Overcoming by yielding is the key to our escape from unhappiness. Learning to be kind to ourselves takes practice. It requires a concerted effort to transform our thinking and behavior so that we learn to self- nurture. Unlearning old habits is not easy. However, learning to feel good without trying so hard is worth it.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.