Many people have features of an addictive personality. They heed the call to the “pleasure center”, located in the frontal lobe of the brain. As many of us yield to the urges and cravings of the pleasure center, our negative beliefs and behaviors reinforce the need to continue self-defeating addictive behavior.
Beneath the addiction, one finds personality characteristics which sustain the addiction. According the Charlie Whitfield, an author on addictive behavior, these characteristics are common to all addictions. People most likely experience problems with trust, dependency, abandonment, shame, guilt, and the expression of deep feelings. Once the addiction is uncovered, these issues must be addressed through group addiction's meeting or individual therapy. Often adults whose parents were alcoholics choose to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings in order to resolve the fallout from family behavior. Family members can be affected by addictive behavior and may adopt behavioral characteristics similar to the addict.
Addictive behavior lies on a continuum. For some of us, our tendency to compulsively engage in a particular behavior may not affect our everyday functioning. For example, many people may engage in a pattern of ritualistic jogging. This may be considered a positive addiction because the activity promotes physical fitness and can release endorphins which elevate one’s mood and behavior. If, however, the jogger begins to dismiss friendships, social activities and responsibilities in order to sustain the jogging pattern, then the activity takes on a different meaning. Furthermore, many joggers may become so obsessive about their interest that they begin experiencing significant weight loss, making them appear too thin and fostering body misperception problems.
People struggle with addictive patterns such as weight gain, gambling, sexual addictions, eating disorders, compulsive shopping and self-cutting. I am merely providing a brief list of addictive behaviors. A comprehensive list is too exhaustive to print.
Many people ask me, “Are there any common characteristics or features that link all of the various addictions into a pattern? The following is my perception of the common threads that link all addictive behaviors:
Ÿ Most addictive behaviors are an attempt at avoiding unpleasant and painful experiences.
Ÿ Most addictive urges and cravings are triggered by underlying self-defeating beliefs.
Ÿ Most people with addictions experience masked emotional problems such as anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive characteristics.
Ÿ Most addictions are fueled by thwarted anger and self-blame, particularly among adolescents.
Ÿ Shame-based beliefs and feelings are at the core of all addictions.
Ÿ Most people who experience addictions complete a “repetition cycle” of abuse. The cycle starts with experiencing an urge, yielding to the cravings, feeling numb with a decrease in anxiety, manifesting guilt and remorse, followed by an escalation of anxiety and a repeat of the cycle.
Ÿ The primary goal of addictive behavior is to decrease anxiety.
People who experience addictions that are affecting their lifestyle and relationships can benefit from finding a quality counselor who is trained in addressing issues related to addictions treatment. There are also many outpatient and inpatient treatment programs within the Phoenix metropolitan area available to assist children and adults experiencing addictive behavior. If you think you might have a problem with addictions, listen to your partner, listen to your friends, and listen to your own inner-voice. Don’t wait until you “hit rock bottom.” Demonstrate courage by addressing your problems now.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, cognitive-behavioral therapist, and freelance writer. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
REFLECTIONS ON THE RUN-AWAY WEDDING
While many of us have spent an inordinate amount of time analyzing the reasons why the “bride-to-be” would avoid her marriage vows, I have wondered about the wedding itself. What role does our “bigger is better” mentality play in creating conflict, pressure, and social relationships built on a lack of authenticity?
It is my understanding that the institution of marriage represents an intimate, committed, respectful and sacramental bond between two people and the social community that honors the partners. Those who choose to marry hopefully spend a significant amount of time developing a loving relationship based on a psychological and spiritual commitment to each others well-being. The courting process takes time, patience and understanding. It is not easy.
So why complicate that which is already difficult by planning a wedding consisting of 14 bridesmaids, 14 bridegrooms and 600 guests? Since extravagant weddings are culturally condoned and accepted, very few of us ponder over the implications of such an event. I can’t even imagine the planning that is entailed in holding a wedding of this magnitude!
I think it is appropriate to ask the question, for what purpose is such a wedding desirable? Who benefits from such an extravagant affair? Is it about the parent trying to impress others with their financial means? Does it have to do with the parents feeling the need to seal the approval of their daughter? Do the parents or daughter feel that a bigger wedding will make for a more meaningful, committed marriage? This certainly was not the case with the run-away bride.
When parents spend huge sums of money to put on a wedding, I wonder about the dynamics of the family. Are the relationships loving and authentic? Whose wedding plan is it? To what extent do the bride and groom have a vested interest in the plan? How does the planning and extravagant wedding affect the ability of the bride-to-be to discuss her insecurity about the up-coming marriage? Do the dynamics within the family create an artificial barrier which inhibits communications about the marriage event?
The stress and pressure involved in getting married is significant. One of the reasons why the run-away bride episode has created so much attention is that many women can identify with the feelings of fear and avoidance. But most comparisons stop there.
What is it about our culture that makes us feel that overindulgence in any manner makes things better? We talk about our “spoiled” children, but as adults we do very little to prevent over functioning on their behalf. As parents, we complain about our rebellious children, but are often reluctant to set reasonable limits. Many of us give our children everything they want and then pay a price by having to deal with their attitude of entitlement.
As I “gaze into my crystal ball,” I wonder if the run-away bride’s parents are still in bewilderment over what has happened to their wonderful daughter. Could it be that the enormity of a wedding itself plays a role in the insecurity that couples feel prior to the ceremony?
Postscript: Is anyone surprised that this marriage has now been called off for good? Obviously, after further contemplation, the fiance realized that there was too much baggage.
James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
It is my understanding that the institution of marriage represents an intimate, committed, respectful and sacramental bond between two people and the social community that honors the partners. Those who choose to marry hopefully spend a significant amount of time developing a loving relationship based on a psychological and spiritual commitment to each others well-being. The courting process takes time, patience and understanding. It is not easy.
So why complicate that which is already difficult by planning a wedding consisting of 14 bridesmaids, 14 bridegrooms and 600 guests? Since extravagant weddings are culturally condoned and accepted, very few of us ponder over the implications of such an event. I can’t even imagine the planning that is entailed in holding a wedding of this magnitude!
I think it is appropriate to ask the question, for what purpose is such a wedding desirable? Who benefits from such an extravagant affair? Is it about the parent trying to impress others with their financial means? Does it have to do with the parents feeling the need to seal the approval of their daughter? Do the parents or daughter feel that a bigger wedding will make for a more meaningful, committed marriage? This certainly was not the case with the run-away bride.
When parents spend huge sums of money to put on a wedding, I wonder about the dynamics of the family. Are the relationships loving and authentic? Whose wedding plan is it? To what extent do the bride and groom have a vested interest in the plan? How does the planning and extravagant wedding affect the ability of the bride-to-be to discuss her insecurity about the up-coming marriage? Do the dynamics within the family create an artificial barrier which inhibits communications about the marriage event?
The stress and pressure involved in getting married is significant. One of the reasons why the run-away bride episode has created so much attention is that many women can identify with the feelings of fear and avoidance. But most comparisons stop there.
What is it about our culture that makes us feel that overindulgence in any manner makes things better? We talk about our “spoiled” children, but as adults we do very little to prevent over functioning on their behalf. As parents, we complain about our rebellious children, but are often reluctant to set reasonable limits. Many of us give our children everything they want and then pay a price by having to deal with their attitude of entitlement.
As I “gaze into my crystal ball,” I wonder if the run-away bride’s parents are still in bewilderment over what has happened to their wonderful daughter. Could it be that the enormity of a wedding itself plays a role in the insecurity that couples feel prior to the ceremony?
Postscript: Is anyone surprised that this marriage has now been called off for good? Obviously, after further contemplation, the fiance realized that there was too much baggage.
James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Friday, May 12, 2006
THE POWER OF WORDS
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Don Ruiz, in his book called the Four Agreements, talks about the power of words. Most of us have had things said about us that were emotionally damaging. Early childhood recollections of slights and criticisms impact all of us in negative ways. We tend to vividly remember comments that were expressed in a way that made us feel small. I can still remember how embarrassed I felt when a girl I dated to the homecoming dance turned on me in front of her friends. I felt devastated. I couldn’t understand how a night I enjoyed turned out to be such a humiliating experience because of the words and body language expressed by this young girl that I was infatuated with. I never wanted to date again. Negative early recollections have a way of crystallizing and emerging as “hot buttons" later on in life.
I had a client who had a first grade teacher who was intimidating and mean. He is a sensitive guy, and the mere mention of that experience caused an emotional reaction. In fact, it was a presenting issue that we dealt with within the first several sessions. When a partner in a relationship continues to get beaten down through the use of negative communication, those words ultimately create a sense of indifference. After a period of time, the partner quits caring. One shuts down to the power of words and gives up on the relationship. The Bible says that “love covers a multitude of sins" but some words are so damaging that irreparable harm may be done. Forgiveness no longer has much meaning. Trust and respect have been broken.
Words that others communicate are either uplifting or destructive. Destructive comments are often internalized and later recycled as we repeat the intergenerational pattern of pain. It is imperative that we take responsibility for the pain of our past and commit ourselves to not re-offend at the expense of our loved ones.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Don Ruiz, in his book called the Four Agreements, talks about the power of words. Most of us have had things said about us that were emotionally damaging. Early childhood recollections of slights and criticisms impact all of us in negative ways. We tend to vividly remember comments that were expressed in a way that made us feel small. I can still remember how embarrassed I felt when a girl I dated to the homecoming dance turned on me in front of her friends. I felt devastated. I couldn’t understand how a night I enjoyed turned out to be such a humiliating experience because of the words and body language expressed by this young girl that I was infatuated with. I never wanted to date again. Negative early recollections have a way of crystallizing and emerging as “hot buttons" later on in life.
I had a client who had a first grade teacher who was intimidating and mean. He is a sensitive guy, and the mere mention of that experience caused an emotional reaction. In fact, it was a presenting issue that we dealt with within the first several sessions. When a partner in a relationship continues to get beaten down through the use of negative communication, those words ultimately create a sense of indifference. After a period of time, the partner quits caring. One shuts down to the power of words and gives up on the relationship. The Bible says that “love covers a multitude of sins" but some words are so damaging that irreparable harm may be done. Forgiveness no longer has much meaning. Trust and respect have been broken.
Words that others communicate are either uplifting or destructive. Destructive comments are often internalized and later recycled as we repeat the intergenerational pattern of pain. It is imperative that we take responsibility for the pain of our past and commit ourselves to not re-offend at the expense of our loved ones.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy is available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
THE URGENCY OF DOING
Life is too short. But the fear of passing time may give us an urgency about making things right. Such a feeling of urgency may create the conditions for changing the quality of our character and behavior. We don’t have forever to redeem the losses from our personal history. We must make amends with those we have offended, heal our relationships with those we care about, and move on. This is what fully functioning people do. They don’t wait, they don’t procrastinate, but rather they act. It was Roberto Assagioli, the great Italian physician and psychiatrist who wrote the book, The Act of the Will. The entire book is based on the assumption that people can learn to mobilize, to act. Assagioli actually teaches people how to act rather than react to life.
When I worked in educational systems as a guidance counselor, I would invariably meet with a child who would respond to a request that I have made by saying, “I’ll try to do that!" To demonstrate to the student the impact of trying, I would say to him, “Try to get up out of the chair you are sitting in." The child would look at me dumbfounded, and I can assure you in thirty years of working with children no one ever stood up following my request. Next I would say, “Get up out of that chair!" No problem, every student would stand up immediately. Trying is another word for excuse making. People don’t try to change, they commit themselves to doing it. It is only when one gives up the illusion of trying and makes a serious effort to alter one’s behavior that real change emerges.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He has released a book entitled Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. Copies are available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
When I worked in educational systems as a guidance counselor, I would invariably meet with a child who would respond to a request that I have made by saying, “I’ll try to do that!" To demonstrate to the student the impact of trying, I would say to him, “Try to get up out of the chair you are sitting in." The child would look at me dumbfounded, and I can assure you in thirty years of working with children no one ever stood up following my request. Next I would say, “Get up out of that chair!" No problem, every student would stand up immediately. Trying is another word for excuse making. People don’t try to change, they commit themselves to doing it. It is only when one gives up the illusion of trying and makes a serious effort to alter one’s behavior that real change emerges.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist. He has released a book entitled Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy. Copies are available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE
I think my mother has finally "stepped out of the bubble." After years of being in a fog due to an unfortunate series of painful ailments, she has recently told me that she feels alive again. Her attitude has changed for the better, and she still climbs on the bus at her independent living facility to go the the grocery store. It's never too late to change! My mother is 91 years old.
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