While many of us have spent an inordinate amount of time analyzing the reasons why the “bride-to-be” would avoid her marriage vows, I have wondered about the wedding itself. What role does our “bigger is better” mentality play in creating conflict, pressure, and social relationships built on a lack of authenticity?
It is my understanding that the institution of marriage represents an intimate, committed, respectful and sacramental bond between two people and the social community that honors the partners. Those who choose to marry hopefully spend a significant amount of time developing a loving relationship based on a psychological and spiritual commitment to each others well-being. The courting process takes time, patience and understanding. It is not easy.
So why complicate that which is already difficult by planning a wedding consisting of 14 bridesmaids, 14 bridegrooms and 600 guests? Since extravagant weddings are culturally condoned and accepted, very few of us ponder over the implications of such an event. I can’t even imagine the planning that is entailed in holding a wedding of this magnitude!
I think it is appropriate to ask the question, for what purpose is such a wedding desirable? Who benefits from such an extravagant affair? Is it about the parent trying to impress others with their financial means? Does it have to do with the parents feeling the need to seal the approval of their daughter? Do the parents or daughter feel that a bigger wedding will make for a more meaningful, committed marriage? This certainly was not the case with the run-away bride.
When parents spend huge sums of money to put on a wedding, I wonder about the dynamics of the family. Are the relationships loving and authentic? Whose wedding plan is it? To what extent do the bride and groom have a vested interest in the plan? How does the planning and extravagant wedding affect the ability of the bride-to-be to discuss her insecurity about the up-coming marriage? Do the dynamics within the family create an artificial barrier which inhibits communications about the marriage event?
The stress and pressure involved in getting married is significant. One of the reasons why the run-away bride episode has created so much attention is that many women can identify with the feelings of fear and avoidance. But most comparisons stop there.
What is it about our culture that makes us feel that overindulgence in any manner makes things better? We talk about our “spoiled” children, but as adults we do very little to prevent over functioning on their behalf. As parents, we complain about our rebellious children, but are often reluctant to set reasonable limits. Many of us give our children everything they want and then pay a price by having to deal with their attitude of entitlement.
As I “gaze into my crystal ball,” I wonder if the run-away bride’s parents are still in bewilderment over what has happened to their wonderful daughter. Could it be that the enormity of a wedding itself plays a role in the insecurity that couples feel prior to the ceremony?
Postscript: Is anyone surprised that this marriage has now been called off for good? Obviously, after further contemplation, the fiance realized that there was too much baggage.
James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist in private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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