SURVIVING THE ADOLESCENT PASSAGE: WHAT A PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW

Parenting a teenager is no easy task. Parenting your adolescent son or daughter during the turbulence of this transitional period is an art. Ask anyone who’s involved in doing this job. They’ll tell you that you don’t fix your kids during this time-frame; you just stay on the edge of the storm. Parenting takes a great deal of courage, patience, and learning through trial and error.

As a therapist, parents frequently ask me, “What are some guidelines to keep in mind which will help me and my youngster navigate the adolescent years?” The following principles are ones that I have found important as I have raised my own children and worked with other teens in schools and clinical counseling situations. There are no “magic bullets”, but hopefully these suggestions with be of assistance to you.

Get in touch with you own child-within.
Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? What kinds of experiences did you have? Can you unblock any painful memories? Can you relive positive memories and experience them in the present moment? What’s that feel like? It is important to recapture your own childhood so that you can stay connected to your teen and do not live vicariously through her experience. Understanding your own childhood will allow you to continue emotional contact and share lighthearted common experiences with your child. Shared playful activities, such as going to a ball game, biking together, or taking a fishing trip together can build bridges. Maintaining positive physical contact with your teen is critically important. Although your child may not request physical affection, initiating it is important to maintaining a strong emotional bond.

Teach the lessons of life through shared experience.
Resist the urge to moralize, lecture, and give unwarranted advice. Your child will tune you out. It is more effective to use positive and negative consequences as a way of setting limits. One method I used to reach my kids about current issues was through the use of the newspaper. Often, I would come across articles which had a direct impact on teen problems. For example, I would talk with my kids about their “heroes” who went astray through self-medicating. I would ask them to read the article and ask them how they felt about it. Sometimes when my teens had made mistakes, I would share my own blunders in a connecting way and then we would explore better ways of behaving.

Major in the majors issues, not the minors. Know your bottom-line expectations.
Be firm, courageous and unified on the big boundary issues. Don’t get locked into focusing on minor issues which distract from your most important values. What tint your teen decides to use as hair color may not be as critical as how he treats other people. Set consequence that are reasonable and be consistent in enforcing them!

Don’t over-function on behalf of your child.
Never do for your child what he can do for himself. Failing to follow this policy is an invitation for your teen to avoid responsibility for his behavior. I can’t tell you the number to times that I used to facilitate parent/ student/teacher conferences where the parents anxiously took notes during the conference while their child “snored” his way through the experience. Remember, who owns the problem?

Keep a sense of proper perspective.
Talk about your own feelings with your teen. By sharing yourself, you keep the doors of communications open. Learn to keep mistakes in perspective. Just how horrible is this problem? Very few mistakes are catastrophic. For example, my daughter came home extremely late from a party in high school. My first reaction was to confront her and chastise for her inconsiderate behavior. I had tried that disciplinary action before and it accomplished nothing productive. Consequently, this time when she got home, I attempted to promote understanding by telling her how afraid I was about her late arrival. My response surprised her and opened the door for us to talk about the issue from my perspective.

Discuss goal-setting with your teen.
Kids, during the teenage years, have trouble making a connection between the present moment and the future. Teenagers need the opportunity to explore their dreams. They need help in finding their niche. Talk with you child about her shot-term and long-term plans. Goal-setting helps kids stay grounded and active in the present. When my son showed an interest in music, I did everything possible to encourage his activity in that area. I paid for private lessons, and attended his concerts regularly.

Never give up hope. As difficult as things may get for you and your teenager, change is always possible. Remember, there are no sacred ways of parenting. If one plan doesn’t work, try an alternative strategy. Try a paradoxical (opposite) manner of handling a problem. You might be surprised at the results. Never forget that ultimately your teen should be held responsible for the choices he makes.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

HAVE YOU MASTERED THE ART OF CHOOSING?

One of the hallmarks of those who feel victimized is their inability to choose. It doesn’t matter whether it is a big decision or a minor one - avoiders lack the ability to make a choice. Have you ever been with someone while dining out who takes an inordinate amount of time choosing from the menu? They agonize as they contemplate the significance of what to eat. Making a wrong decision appears catastrophic. The primary fear appears to be the misfortune of making a mistake. According to those who are decision-phobic, mistakes must be avoided at all costs. Making a mistake is considered a personal failure and it can’t be tolerated. It takes courage to feel comfortable about making a decision that may involve the potential for risks and mistakes.

Many people are terrified of making mistakes. The origins of this fear may stem from parenting issues during childhood. One’s parents may have either been over-functioning adults, not allowing their children to make their own decisions - the parents may have been highly controlling, critical and intimidating; or they may have been “absent” parents. In either case, the underlying message was, “Others can do for you much better than you can do for yourself.” Powerful words originating out of childhood can be tools that affect people’s opinions, choices and behavior. Toxic words can rob a child of the courage to function independently.

We make decisions based upon the best information available to us at the time the choice is made. One can always second-guess a decision, but it is important to maintain the “mantra” of no regrets. A friend of mine once said that there is no such thing as a calculated risk. All risks ultimately involve jumping off the deep end and hoping for the best. There are no assurances in this business of taking risks. One must forgive oneself for being less than perfect and learn to live with the consequences of each action. Taking personal responsibility for change is essential and it is courageous.

In order to assist indecisive people I ask them, “What is the worst thing that can happen if your decision is a mistake? Having individuals realistically evaluate potential outcomes of their behavior helps them to get things in perspective. The process of choosing needs to be viewed apart from the decision to be made. If you choose, you are courageous whether things turn out right or go awry. The process of choosing empowers and gives us the needed courage to make future decisions. Once a decision is made, mistakes don’t seem as debilitating. A choice that doesn’t go according to plans can be changed. Once we have internalized the power of choosing, we can always select new paths for behavioral change. No one choice seems so dramatic. It’s through changing behaviors such as decision-making that we learn personal growth and development.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE COUPLE BUBBLE

Often partners struggle in their efforts to communicate in their relationships. They are unable to promote the kind of understanding that enhances their connection to one another. It is not unusual for a couple to express to me, “At least we don’t have the problem of fighting with each other.”

What many fail to realize is that learning to “constructively fight” is an important ingredient for a successful relationship. Many couples avoid dealing with difficult issues through distancing from their partner and I call this the “couple bubble.”

It is essential that couples address the issue of their style of relating. Does the partner play the passive role, failing to take the risk of sharing necessary thoughts and deep feelings? Is she afraid to set limits in the relationship and hold her partner accountable for his behavior? Does she acquiesce in the relationship and harbor resentment because she feels a loss of power and control?

Often individuals relate in an aggressive manner in relationships. Is he controlling about finances and other issues? Is there verbal intimidation through threats and yelling? Is there a critical, judgmental way of relating? Is he persistent, nagging, bullying, and manipulative?

A friend of mine recently told me that he was not impressed by those in a relationship who avoid conflict. Disagreeing with each other’s beliefs may be an inevitable byproduct of an honest dialogue about differences in perspective. The central issue is learning a style of relating that will permit a constructive, nonviolent expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings.

Couples need to learn to promote understanding in an assertive manner. I define assertiveness as sharing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that makes appropriate contact with others and is not aimed at intentionally inflicting emotional damage. This means that partners must be ready to listen to each other without making value judgments, and to share their thoughts and feeling in a considerate fashion. I call this process “promoting understanding.” Here are some guidelines for promoting understanding in a relationship:

When you speak to your partner about an issue, use “I” messages. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than delivering “you” messages; i.e. “You make me feel…”
Take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Soften your messages with exploratory statement such as, “Help me understand your perspective. I don’t get it, could you repeat that please?”
Take turns reflecting or paraphrasing what your partner is expressing.
Fight the urge to defend yourself and make value judgments about your partner’s perspective.
Say the difficult messages in a kind way. “One of the problems that I see in our relationship is…”
Don’t bring up relationship history; it is toxic to the communication process.
Avoid “pressing the play button.” If you see yourselves going down the “old road”, call a time out. Either state your position in a different way, or if things are too heated, wait for a better time to resume your discussion.
Remember that outside stressors can affect communications, and therefore acknowledge to each other the stressors you face.
If you acknowledge each others vulnerabilities, you can use your weaknesses as communication bridges, rather than weapons of projected anger.

In order to feel safe with your partner, you must feel that your opinions will be valued and respected. Remember that nagging, avoiding, bullying or throwing up the past has no place in honest communications. Also, aligning yourself with your children to make a point is unfair to your partner and your kids. True intimacy emerges in a relationship when both partners respect and value the process of promoting understanding to foster a more meaningful relationship.

James P. Krehbiel. Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE PERSONAL PASSION TO WRITE

People often ask me, why do you write? Writing has always fascinated me. During high school, when I was going through the turbulence of adolescence, I wrote a series of poems to soothe me. My parents moved our family to a new city during my junior year of high school and it led to some emotional upheaval as I was forced to leave my school and lifelong friends. Writing provided me with a way of managing my feelings during a time when I felt rather helpless.

It wasn’t fashionable for boys to excel in grammar and composition, but throughout school I enjoyed and was proficient in language skills. I recall diagramming sentences in elementary school. While others groaned through the experience, I found the process challenging and enjoyable.

In college, I took courses in grammar, composition and poetry, even though my undergraduate major was in sociology and anthropology. I recall taking a Victorian Poetry course, even though the entire class was composed of English majors. I was forced to become a quick learner when it came to interpreting classical poetry.

There was a period in adulthood when I was going through my “midlife crisis” that I began writing poetry again. I wrote a poem called, So I Walked the Road Home which described my need to get closure on certain aspects of my childhood experience. The poem describes how I had returned to the site of my old little league baseball diamond, only to find that the fence had been removed and the field was now used for girl’s softball. Another poem entitled, A Home Within explored my journey to find a sense of true love and inner validation.

There has always been an inner tug or urgency to write a book and publish it. Having completed that task through my work called, Stepping Out of the Bubble, I now have focused my attention on article writing. I have written a plethora of articles on topics ranging from management skills to those related to personal growth and development. Writing for me is an avocation, a calling, although I am a paid contributing writer for FamilyResource.com, an online tool for families. Some of the personal benefits one can derive from writing are:

Writing is a soothing experience which “calms the waters.”
Writing taps into passions, dreams, needs, and feelings.
Writing helps to resolve life transitions.
Writing helps to provide closure to unfinished chapters in life.
Writing provides a sense of empowerment and competency.
Writing helps to explain oneself to the world.
Writing helps to fine-tune thinking about topics that are important.
Writing provides an opportunity to dialogue with others over differences in perspective.
Writing helps to establish a sense of personal identity.
Writing provides exposure to other people and organizations.
Writing provides an avenue for conveying strongly held beliefs and convictions.
Writing is a tool for sharing other peoples’ life story.
Writing is a means for conveying our fascination with specific interests and activities.

For me, writing is a cherished gift that has no end. As long as I am alive, I will hopefully have new and fresh ideas to share with others. Those who catch the vision of writing will find a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Writing brings out our best instincts and provides us with a tool for conveying our inner yearnings and ethical and moral principles. Writing provides us with an avenue for creating meaning by sharing our deepest convictions with the world. All we really have in this life are our truest sense of self, our experiences, our valued relationships, and the memories that surround these ideals.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble: Reflections on the Pilgrimage of Counseling Therapy available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached through his website at www.krehbielcounseling.com.