HAVE YOU MASTERED THE ART OF CHOOSING?

One of the hallmarks of those who feel victimized is their inability to choose. It doesn’t matter whether it is a big decision or a minor one - avoiders lack the ability to make a choice. Have you ever been with someone while dining out who takes an inordinate amount of time choosing from the menu? They agonize as they contemplate the significance of what to eat. Making a wrong decision appears catastrophic. The primary fear appears to be the misfortune of making a mistake. According to those who are decision-phobic, mistakes must be avoided at all costs. Making a mistake is considered a personal failure and it can’t be tolerated. It takes courage to feel comfortable about making a decision that may involve the potential for risks and mistakes.

Many people are terrified of making mistakes. The origins of this fear may stem from parenting issues during childhood. One’s parents may have either been over-functioning adults, not allowing their children to make their own decisions - the parents may have been highly controlling, critical and intimidating; or they may have been “absent” parents. In either case, the underlying message was, “Others can do for you much better than you can do for yourself.” Powerful words originating out of childhood can be tools that affect people’s opinions, choices and behavior. Toxic words can rob a child of the courage to function independently.

We make decisions based upon the best information available to us at the time the choice is made. One can always second-guess a decision, but it is important to maintain the “mantra” of no regrets. A friend of mine once said that there is no such thing as a calculated risk. All risks ultimately involve jumping off the deep end and hoping for the best. There are no assurances in this business of taking risks. One must forgive oneself for being less than perfect and learn to live with the consequences of each action. Taking personal responsibility for change is essential and it is courageous.

In order to assist indecisive people I ask them, “What is the worst thing that can happen if your decision is a mistake? Having individuals realistically evaluate potential outcomes of their behavior helps them to get things in perspective. The process of choosing needs to be viewed apart from the decision to be made. If you choose, you are courageous whether things turn out right or go awry. The process of choosing empowers and gives us the needed courage to make future decisions. Once a decision is made, mistakes don’t seem as debilitating. A choice that doesn’t go according to plans can be changed. Once we have internalized the power of choosing, we can always select new paths for behavioral change. No one choice seems so dramatic. It’s through changing behaviors such as decision-making that we learn personal growth and development.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble available at http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.