THE COUPLE BUBBLE

Often partners struggle in their efforts to communicate in their relationships. They are unable to promote the kind of understanding that enhances their connection to one another. It is not unusual for a couple to express to me, “At least we don’t have the problem of fighting with each other.”

What many fail to realize is that learning to “constructively fight” is an important ingredient for a successful relationship. Many couples avoid dealing with difficult issues through distancing from their partner and I call this the “couple bubble.”

It is essential that couples address the issue of their style of relating. Does the partner play the passive role, failing to take the risk of sharing necessary thoughts and deep feelings? Is she afraid to set limits in the relationship and hold her partner accountable for his behavior? Does she acquiesce in the relationship and harbor resentment because she feels a loss of power and control?

Often individuals relate in an aggressive manner in relationships. Is he controlling about finances and other issues? Is there verbal intimidation through threats and yelling? Is there a critical, judgmental way of relating? Is he persistent, nagging, bullying, and manipulative?

A friend of mine recently told me that he was not impressed by those in a relationship who avoid conflict. Disagreeing with each other’s beliefs may be an inevitable byproduct of an honest dialogue about differences in perspective. The central issue is learning a style of relating that will permit a constructive, nonviolent expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings.

Couples need to learn to promote understanding in an assertive manner. I define assertiveness as sharing one’s thoughts and feelings in a way that makes appropriate contact with others and is not aimed at intentionally inflicting emotional damage. This means that partners must be ready to listen to each other without making value judgments, and to share their thoughts and feeling in a considerate fashion. I call this process “promoting understanding.” Here are some guidelines for promoting understanding in a relationship:

When you speak to your partner about an issue, use “I” messages. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, rather than delivering “you” messages; i.e. “You make me feel…”
Take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Soften your messages with exploratory statement such as, “Help me understand your perspective. I don’t get it, could you repeat that please?”
Take turns reflecting or paraphrasing what your partner is expressing.
Fight the urge to defend yourself and make value judgments about your partner’s perspective.
Say the difficult messages in a kind way. “One of the problems that I see in our relationship is…”
Don’t bring up relationship history; it is toxic to the communication process.
Avoid “pressing the play button.” If you see yourselves going down the “old road”, call a time out. Either state your position in a different way, or if things are too heated, wait for a better time to resume your discussion.
Remember that outside stressors can affect communications, and therefore acknowledge to each other the stressors you face.
If you acknowledge each others vulnerabilities, you can use your weaknesses as communication bridges, rather than weapons of projected anger.

In order to feel safe with your partner, you must feel that your opinions will be valued and respected. Remember that nagging, avoiding, bullying or throwing up the past has no place in honest communications. Also, aligning yourself with your children to make a point is unfair to your partner and your kids. True intimacy emerges in a relationship when both partners respect and value the process of promoting understanding to foster a more meaningful relationship.

James P. Krehbiel. Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com.