SUPER-DADS AND THEIR SONS

Super-Dads are fathers who are perceived by their sons to possess qualities and achievements that are unattainable by the child. Super-Dad’s past or current performance seems overwhelming and larger than life. Sons put their Super-Dads on a pedestal and believe that they will never be able to measure up to their father’s expectations.

Super-Dads have a tendency to over-parent and have expectations for their sons that mirror their own achievement. Super-Dads, in an effort to keep their boy in line, will often parent through the use of power and control. When a Super-Dad sees his son straying from the right path, he will typically increase his pressure in an effort to gain compliance. He may lecture, use moral injunctions, or employ “cheerleading” techniques in an effort to get his son to mirror his own behavior.

Often, I may see a depressed and angry teenage boy for counseling at the request of the Super-Dad. However, the presenting problem may be the critical, intimidating behavior of the father. I once counseled a high school senior who was terrified of communicating with his Super-Dad. The father had been a star basketball player and he wanted his son to excel at the sport. The son, who was an average player, confided that he hated the sport and wanted to drop out of competition. However, as trapped as the son felt, he kept going to practices and games. He believed that his father would be crushed if he knew how much he despised playing. He tried exploring his feelings with his father, but Super-Dad insisted that the son continue on the team. The son believed that his desires were being discounted. He was afraid to take the matter into his own hands and quit.

At times, a Super-Dad who excelled academically can overwhelm a son by continuously focusing on school success to the exclusion of other aspects of the son’s life. Super-Dad and son may engage in power-struggles over school performance issues. The Super-Dad will talk to his son through lecturing, advice-giving, chastising, and moralizing rather than exploring issues. The Super-Dad may be oblivious to the fact that his son’s compliant responses are in reality an effort at avoidance.

Super-Dads, in an effort to clone their own behavior through their child, may actually foster conflict and passive-aggressive behavior. Super-Dads efforts may go unrewarded as they sabotage their own goals with their sons. Their son may learn to resent their father’s way of conditionally communicating, and find passive-aggressive ways to pay them back.

Case in point may be the interpersonal pattern of communicating which exists between our current president and his father. President George H. Bush was an exemplary student, an excellent athlete, and a President who made notable positive contributions to foreign policy during his administration. He surrounded himself with talented and knowledgeable statesmen who paved the way for a successful foreign policy, including his mission in Iraq.


I believe that President George H. Bush’s pattern of communicating with his son tended to mirror the Super-Dad syndrome. The harder George H. tried to reach out to George W., the more distance he created with his son. It was not intentional, but the pattern evolved into a self-defeating manner of interacting. It is my belief that President George W. has never been able to live up to his father’s expectations. He has indicated that he never wanted to be President. He started to become rebellious during his adolescent and early adulthood years, and he has continued to demonstrate on-going signs of reactivity and resentment toward his father.

It appears that President George H. and George W. have a strained relationship. President George W. may have created insurmountable wreckage during his presidency as opposed to his father’s successes. In George W’s efforts to compensate for his own insecurity, he has turned his back on his father’s values and ideals. Political analysts believe that he has ignored his father’s warnings, advice, and input. He has detached himself from Dad’s support as he chooses to go it alone. It seems that Super-Dad, George H., grieves the loss of his son, but feels helpless in his efforts to save his son from his own demise.

How do Super-Dads make peace with their sons? They accomplish this by developing unconditional involvement with their sons and explore problems in a non-evaluative manner. Super-Dads encourage their sons to follow their own dreams, not the goals and aspirations of the father. They encourage their children to be authentic, and support them in their vision for the future. Only then can the pattern of relationship wreckage be broken.



James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS - WITHOUT THE FLUFF

The meaning of Christmas is not embedded in the holiday tradition itself. Although bumper stickers reading, “Jesus is the reason for the season,” are clearly noticeable, it is significant to note that the early Christian church did not celebrate the birth of Christ. Nowhere is Christmas mentioned in the New Testament as a historical and biblical account. The tradition evolved later in church history. In fact, for these and other reasons, many Christians bypass Christmas as a holiday, preferring to place emphasis on Easter, notable for the biblical account of the resurrection of Christ.

Regardless of the history, I choose not to be so literal about my holidays. In spite of the commercialism and materialism which tarnishes the spirit of Christmas, the holiday does signify some universal meaning. For the Christian community, the meaning of Christmas must take on a broader significance in today’s world. The question we must pose is, “Will I turn inward and be exclusive in my dealings with other people who share different faith traditions, or will I recognize, respect and embrace the richness of cultural differences. This issue is of primary importance in light of recent political/cultural polarization fostered by many in our Christian community and our federal government.

Recently, a story came to my attention about Christmas decorations displayed at the Seattle airport. A Rabbi had made a request, not because of the Christmas arrangements, but because his holiday had been ignored. The Rabbi requested that the airport display Menorahs symbolizing Hanukah. The airport bulked at the suggestion, the Rabbi threatened suit, and the airport proceeded to remove the Christmas trees. The Rabbi had never asked that the trees be removed. I’m sure the airports reasoning went something like, “If we have to display Menorahs, God only knows who else we will have to support!”

As tormented as he is, Rodney King had it right – “Can’t we all just get along.” Herein lays the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not about turning inward, it’s about looking outward. It’s not about merely looking through the eyes of your own faith, it’s about seeing through the eyes of our friends who happen to share a different faith orientation. The true meaning of Christmas is tainted by our need to defend and protect our beliefs. True faith calls for reaching out to others who don’t necessarily share our same beliefs.

The true meaning of Christmas is a call for tolerance, acceptance, and unity. What a wonderful tribute could have been demonstrated in the Seattle airport to the universality of faith traditions had they opened their hearts and minds to a Rabbi, rather than blaming him for stirring up the pot.

What is wrong with us? As Christians, we politicize private medical decisions, expect the world to eagerly embrace our ideals without emulating them, and continue to profile people who share different values and cultural perspectives. We deny our insensitivity, stay within our emotional bubble and celebrate our Merry Christmas with those like us.

The true meaning of Christmas involves “getting our heads out of the sand”, and clearly viewing the world the way it really is. It means joining hands with those who are different than we are, and embracing their right to live freely in this wonderful country. May we all pause this Christmas and take action to support the poor, the needy, the disenfranchised, and particularly our brother and sisters who see the world from a perspective different from ours.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at http://www.amazon.com James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com

HOW TO AVOID POWER-STRUGGLES WITH YOUR KIDS

Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your child. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your child may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.

Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Parents will attempt to get their child to manifest certain desired behaviors while the child may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Children demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Parents may employ various methods in trying to hold their children accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their children. None of these methods generally work very effectively.

Parents who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their children. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a child’s desire for more freedom, or a child merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if parents will change their tactics with their children. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:

• Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
• Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Children should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
• Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your child (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
• Don’t get “hooked” by your child’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
• Consequences for children should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a child while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
• By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a child’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with children about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome). Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your child that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a child to change his perspective about schooling.
  Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits.
• Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
  Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your children make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.

Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your children, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Children will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your child’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your children to emulate.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S. LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at amazon.com. James can be reached at http://www.krehbielcounseling.com/.

THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD PARENTING

Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.

Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.

The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.

For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.