THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD PARENTING

Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.

Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.

The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.

For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that sub-personality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these sub-personalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.


James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.amazon.com. He can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.